David Stern loves sending teams around the world for exhibition games, because it means more money for the league and owners. Sure, he’ll say it’s about expanding the league’s brand and creating a broader fan base with the hopes of one day establishing leagues and teams in other countries, but it’s about the money. It’s always about the money. And that’s fine, because money is good and capitalism is splendid as long as they’re prefaced with alley oops.

This week, the Miami Heat and the Los Angeles Clippers are the NBA’s goodwill ambassadors to the Far East, and players like Dwyane Wade and LeBron James couldn’t be more excited about showing off their recently released shoes that the Chinese fans will buy just as fast as the American fans did. Wait no, I mean they couldn’t be more excited about growing the NBA brand. Sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.

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I thought the summary for this video of newly-minted Los Angeles Laker Dwight Howard playing Pop-A-Shot with a kid during a shoe company-sponsored promotional tour of China would be pretty straight-forward (“here’s Dwight Howard doing a thing, everybody”), but I keep noticing funny things about it.

Firstly, it’s from the amazingly-named “funneyballchannel”. Secondly, the description for the YouTube video makes me feel like I just learned how to read. It’s like a basketball ransom collage.

kevin durant China Xi’an station basketball game full
Durant’s 2012 China trip casually connected into seven three-pointers
China performances overtime, Wu You hit shots, Kevin Durant missed lore ball
Really no solution! The Rondo exciting career assists Collection containing the Ten assists
Leisure! Rondo 2012 Taiwan Trip bullfighting with people in the streets
How
Dwight Howard China Shanghai Station

Thirdly, it’s funny enough when Howard starts “cheating” and swatting his opponent’s balls away, but what I love about it is that the kid doesn’t even seem to notice until like three shots have been blocked. I guess that’s how it goes when you’ve locked yourself into Pop-A-Shot greatness. Fourthly, is that the Red Hot Chili Peppers playing in the background? That’s the most surreal soundtrack to a Dwight Howard/Chinese kid arcade showdown ever.

Fifthly, Burnsy is busy for most of the day and doesn’t get to write about this. Sixthly, the follow-up video is Dwight doing shots and screaming I AM A PING PONG MASTAHHHH in a fake Chinese voice when he wins at table tennis:

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Hold your heads high, previous record holders from Australia.

Last year, we brought you the brave news of 357 Australian women who gathered to raise awareness for the lack of women wearing bikinis on a beach one day while they also broke the Guinness World Record for the longest bikini parade. Earlier this year, 450 braver American women gathered in Panama City Beach to break that record, and I’m not being sarcastic with the use of brave this time, because some scary ass people hang out in that town.

And now, in the least surprising global news of the year, the United States has once again fallen behind China. Last weekend, 1,085 women took part in a bikini parade in Huludao, China to absolutely decimate Florida’s record. But after reading this brief description of China’s effort at RT, I can’t help but think it’s a little unfair.

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Allow me to introduce you to FACEKINI, the bikini you wear on your face. No, I didn’t just throw up a pro wrestling photo and pretend it was beach fashion.

Getting a tan at the beach is a sign of beauty for non-bloggers across the western world, but in places like China, people do everything they can to avoid getting burned. Having dark skin means you’re working outside all day, so if you’ve got light skin it means you’re got a higher social status, and, according to a report from NBC’s Behind The Wall, “the fairer you are, the wealthier or more respected you seem”. Because of this, wearing a goddamn luchador mask at the beach has become a thing.

But hey, don’t worry, it’s not all about weird class issues. Some people are wearing Facekinis to avoid being killed by sharks!

“These have been extremely popular,” Zaizaibao, an online seller from Henan on shopping Internet site taobao.com, said.

Another online store sold 542 masks, which come in different colors and patterns, in just 30 days. “We are already out of the pink ones…. All of them sell well. Orange is the most effective in protecting people from sea creatures.”

The report includes a funny aside about government officials being concerned that the masks could be worn during bank robberies, because I guess this is the first time China has ever had masks.

As an American with pale skin I worry less about my position in China’s caste system or whether or not jellyfish is gonna try to sting me in my face, and more about what the worldwide popularity of Facekini could do to our domestic cheesecake bikini photoshoots. Seriously, look at what a Facekini does to Kate Upton:

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We share a lot of NMA World Edition’s ridiculously animated, absurdist news recap videos, but their latest (about world record Olympic swimmer Ye Shiwen) brings up an interesting question of how Asian and Pacific Island nations view each other, and whether or not cultural or racial prejudices get in the way of objective reporting. Well, “objective reporting” in terms of people animating a panda to burn you in the ass and stab you in the back with a huge steroid needle.

This is the blurb from the video’s YouTube description. Read it and tell me whether it sounds like a recap of what happened, or like something your cousin might say about the Olympics on your Facebook page.

When Ye Shiwen broke the world record in the women’s 400m individual medley many were shocked, and some were suspicious. Clare Balding, a British reporter, found herself in the middle of a controversy when she insinuated the possibility of doping.

The top US coach jumped in on the controversy when he said Ye’s win was not only very “suspicious” but “unbelievable” and “disturbing”.

Ye Shiwen was quick to fire back, saying “There is no problem with doping, the Chinese team has a firm policy so there is no problem with that.” The Chinese media has defended their young swimming star saying the other countries are just jealous.

Here’s the video itself, which is glorious as always. You can count on Taiwan to not only depict a teenage Chinese swimmer as the driver of a deadly bulldozer, but to make that bulldozer as bloody as possible.

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"Siri, remind me to watch the MAHGFAQQINN LYMPICS."

One of the strangest and most precious gems from this weekend was discovering that Pulp Fiction slash The Avengers slash Star Wars slash everything else star Samuel L. Jackson loves the 2012 Summer Olympics and can’t stop tweeting about them.

It’s important to stress that this is not a parody, and that these are real tweets from @SamuelLJackson. They cover everything from handball to sync diving to Malaysian badminton, all with Jackson’s contractually obligated tendency to shoehorn curse words into anything he’s saying. The guy works in “f**k” like Jackson Pollock worked in drip. He spells it however he wants, puts it wherever he wants whether it makes sense or not and sometimes ends up with a mangle of consonants because he’s SAMUEL L. MARGHFAGGUIN JACKSON.

Normally I’d want to provide some kind of commentary or context for these, but that’d be like touching a baby bird. Two major warnings before you proceed:

1. These tweets may contain harsh language, and reader discretion is advised.

2. These tweets may contain language you did not know existed.

Please enjoy 20 of the best Sam Jackson tweets from this weekend, and join us every day between now and the end of the Olympics for 20 more.

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