We use the “REASONS TO HATE SOCCER” tag pretty liberally at With Leather, but this has been one of the worst-ever weeks to be a soccer fan. The embarrassment ranges from flopping shame all the way up to fans slicing open their own players’ heads with beer bottles, so it’s only fitting that Friday would feature the crown jewel of any depressing soccer week: the stadium-wide riot.

Here’s the gist: Gremio played Huachipato in a Copa Libertadores group stage match and tied up 1-1. Not something you’d think would cause a bunch of macho posturing, right? Well, apparently Gremio manager Vanderlei Luxemburgo started laughing at/antagonizing/making snide remarks to Huachipato manager Jorge Pellicier. The Huachipato players decide to kick his ass, but Luxemburgo thinks he’s in the clear and jogs away with a smile on his face. He runs into a bunch of riot cops, however, and with nowhere to go just kinda falls down and receives stage 1 of a riot ass-whomping. That causes every fan, player and ball boy within a mile radius to charge in and start fighting and it was all extremely necessary.

Luxemburgo’s explanation:

“None of this was necessary,” Luxemburgo said.

Oh, sorry.

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It’s pretty sad that I have to preface every soccer violence story with an, “at least nobody tried to kill them with grenades” thing, but here we are.

By way of Dirty Tackle comes this clip from a match between Baquedano and Pablo Lizama in Melipilla, Chile, wherein a ref stops play for roughing and fan interruptions and gets brutally beaten in a rough style by fans. At least nobody tried to kill him with a grenade.

The sad thing is that they probably DID try to kill him. They only succeeded in beating the ref and his assistant within an inch of their lives and removing half of their teeth (refer to the banner image for more details), but a former Baquedano coach talked to an English-language Chilean site about players have skipped a few steps of rational anger and moved straight-on into murder:

“Unfortunately, football has too many players like this. In Holland, an assistant referee was murdered by some young players. The surprising thing is that the only people who work at FIFA are mafia types and complete idiots. That works from the top down.”

Video if the incident is after the jump. It’s brutal, but thankfully you don’t get to see a lot of it, because when a crowd of people attacks somebody, really all you see is a crowd. Still though, viewer discretion is advised.

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I think we all need to take a seat, maybe form a circle and just relax for a few minutes. We get a little bit too crazy about sports sometimes, and we tend to overreact toward athletes and media analysts for their decisions and/or opinions. I mean, take Twitter, for example. Have you seen the horrible verbal venom that is spewed at famous people on that “social media” site on a daily basis? Hell, I’m as guilty as the next guy for making cracks at some athletes, but I’m talking about the violent threats.

It’s really getting out of hand, and it’s been spilling out into our stadiums and arenas now, ruining the idea of fun competition for everyone. What the hell’s the point of going to a game or a bar these days if you constantly have to look over your shoulder and wonder if someone is about to stab you? Sports are supposed to take our minds off the really sh*tty things in life and provide hope and inspiration. Instead, we have people slaughtering each other in the streets.

Everybody calm down and let’s remember why we’re here in the first place… to hope that the other team loses and pray for people to be fired. That’s what sports are all about, dang it.

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Or as we would call it in the United States, “Man Getting Hit By Soccer”.

Witness the “not a moral Kick” that departed Chilean player Jorge Valdivia’s foot and reached its final destination somewhere between the balls of Uruguay’s Alvaro Gonzalez during Friday’s 1-1 draw. I’m not sure what was immoral about it, because it looked like an accident, or like Gonzalez stepped right into it to take the world’s most believable flop. Actually, it looks like something that would show up in Paul Blart: Soccer Player, so maybe he was aiming directly for the laughs.

Regardless, this man took a soccer ball to the junk, and that’s exactly the kind of thing the Internet exists for. I sure hope he was wearing a World Cup [editor's note: Brandon has been fired for making this joke]!

Compare and contrast with the original, as seen here:

Barney’s movie had heart, but Uruguay vs. Chile had a football in the groin.

[h/t Dirty Tackle]

This is acutally helmetcam footage of a BMX racecourse in Chile, not Mexico, but props to Ufford on the headline anyway. But this is kind of a big deal: the Valparaiso Cerro Abajo Urban Downhill Race draws bikers from around the world and over 10,000 spectators each year, to the point where the city shuts down to facilitate the race. And you’ll soon see why I had to wear rubber underpants while I watched this. It’s amazing video.

The course took a toll on the riders, and vice versa–several jumps had to be repaired between runs. Filip Polc of Slovakia posted the best time of 2 minutes and 34 seconds, but I’m more impressed that nobody died.

Death defiance awaits you after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Bryan Carrasco plays for the Chilean under-20 national soccer team and today he is well on his way to becoming a global Internet superstar. During a 1-0 loss to Ecuador in the South American Under-20 World Cup qualifier, Carrasco took flopping to a whole new level by grabbing Edson Montano’s hand and slapping himself in the face. The act drew a free kick for Carrasco, but now that the video has made the web rounds, he has brought shame to his nation. Just kidding, nobody cares about soccer.

Except for The Daily Mail, of course, which gave that wanker bloody ‘ell:

It was certainly a slap in the face for football as well as Carrasco and to compound his felony, the whole thing was picked up on TV and played again and again by disbelieving pundits.

It all proved in vain for our Chilean cheat though, who at 5ft 6in is in danger of being accused of Little Man Syndrome. His side lost 1-0 to exit the tournament before it even began.

Hmmm, 5-foot-6, chip on his shoulder and willing to do anything to win? Carrasco will be in a New England Patriots jersey by June.

Video after the jump…

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