I apologize in advance for this, as it was written by an extremely old man.

The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards 2013 went down in Los Angeles on Saturday, and good Lord, I can’t even begin to explain it. When I was a kid, the Kids Choice Awards were a very straight-forward thing … they’d give a blimp to whichever celebrities were nice enough to show up, they’d give a “best team” award or whatever to whoever won the Super Bowl that year (which automatically made them the most popular team with kids), Michael Jordan or Paula Abdul or whoever would show up to get a lifetime achievement award and somebody would get slimed. That’s Nickelodeon’s thing, and I get it. I mean, I’ve seen basically every episode of ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’ (even the Alanis ones), so I know that when you say “water” you get a bunch of water dumped on you, and when you say “I don’t know” you get slimed.

Now they give awards to themselves (best cartoon: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! etc.) and slime EVERYBODY at ALL TIMES. Everything has slime coming out of it. The kids just go SCREEEEEEEEEEE the entire time, because they are reacting to stimulus response I guess, and there’s no set up or build or honor to being slimed. This year they slimed Dwight Howard, so obviously there is no prestige left anymore.

I cannot break down this highlight video, but I’m going to try.

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Oddly enough, on a site that heavily features objectified boobs galleries and asinine retrospectives of children’s cartoons, one of the most popular things we’ve shared over the last few months was the epic ski jump fail of Japanese layabout Daiki Ito. If you haven’t watched it, watch it. It’s even better than you’re imagining.

Ito’s flop was legendary, but he had to start somewhere. Enter this 11-year-old kid on his first run at a ski jump in California’s Kirkwood Mountain Resort. He takes off and things look pretty good, but then … no.

The picture kinda spoils the final half of his downhill adventure, but the video is below.

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Mater Dei School’s principal is Harvey Dent. He’s the type who leaves things like “will we have school today” to chance. He organized an assembly and gave his students the opportunity to be off the Monday after Super Bowl XLVII, but only if they could make free throws under pressure.

He let an eighth-grader shoot a three-pointer for the day off, and the eighth-grader failed. A seventh-grader failed, too.

Finally, first-grader Blake Harper stepped up to the free throw line for his shot at glory. Spoiler alert: he drains the shot, and is then immediately overtaken by a zombie wave of excited school children (including a tall, blonde kid who I’ll assume is their leader, because he holds up his arms and steps back to survey his works). No report on how Blake or the others spent their Monday, but I guess at least one of them spent it in traction.

You are a true hero to anyone who loves weird principals and hates going to school, Blake.

[h/t to Bob's Blitz]

We may have found the second book for the With Leather Book Club

Dennis Rodman, the former NBA great whose off-the-court life has included multiple arrests for domestic abuse, a nolo contendere to drunk driving and a tag team pro wrestling match against Karl Malone, has written a children’s book. Because of course he has.

Behold: Dennis The Wild Bull, a story about how being different makes you special, as told through the eyes of a bull that looks and acts exactly like Dennis Rodman.

The Hall of Famer’s book, “Dennis The Wild Bull,” came out today, and fans will immediately recognize Rodman’s influence. The large red bull on the cover has flowing red hair, two nose rings, a tattoo and red stubble under his chin.

…

“More than anything, I just want little kids today just to understand: Ain’t no matter what you do in life — be different, rich or poor, man — guess what? It’s OK to be who you are pretty much and you’ll be accepted,” Rodman said.

If you want to be “who you are pretty much,” you can pick up the book on Amazon.

I can’t decide which is funnier, the namedropping of Rodman’s previous books in the Associated Press release or Rodman’s follow-up, wherein he describes his ability to write “Dennis Rodman, but an animal” as “pretty much incredible.”

The author, whose previous works include titles such as “Bad as I Wanna Be” and “I Should Be Dead by Now,” chose a different audience this time. He said even now, he is recognized by children who never saw him play, and those are the ones he wanted to reach.

“For a guy like me to be very eccentric, to even go to extremes to write a children’s book with all the wild things I do and make it believable was pretty much incredible,” Rodman said.

Co-written with Dustin Warburton, the book tells the story of Dennis, a bull who is taken away from his family and forced to live with other bulls in a rodeo. Though he looks nothing like them, they come to accept him and they all become friends.

I hope this is a trilogy, and that part one ends with Dennis The Wild Bull going to jail like Not Tank Abbott in Bar Brawler. I also hope that Rodman accidentally hears Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer for the first time next Christmas and just goes “ffffuuuuuuuuu.”

For bonus lulz, here’s the pensive author portrait on the back of the book:

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A kid ran out onto the court during last night’s Baylor/Oklahoma game. OshKosh B’gosh promptly fined him for wearing Nordstrom Baby.

In a better world, this is a Baby’s Day Out situation where the kid is super aware of what he’s doing and is trying to motivate Baylor/get on SportsCenter. It’s better than the alternative, which is, “whoops, lost my baby, and there he goes.” (via Bob’s Blitz)

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Links

The Woman Who Eats Cat Fur And 7 More Awesome Internet Finds From UPROXX Readers |Warming Glow|

The Internet’s 15 Best Tributes To Christian Bale |UPROXX|

Pulp Fiction almost starred Daniel Day-Lewis as Vincent Vega |Film Drunk|

For Absolutely No Reason, The Tim Duncan Outlet Pass Slow Jamz Mixtape |With Leather|

Here’s Amy Adams As Lois Lane |Gamma Squad|

Watch LL Cool J Performing Live In 1985 For A Group Of Kids |Smoking Section|

Dennis Pitta Is Not Elite-Level Ticklish |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Sorry for the deluge of wrestling content so far this week. Pay-per-view weekends double my expected column output, and for non-wrestling fans who come here for cheerleader slideshows and videos of people getting kicked in the balls, that can be agony.

Anyway, that said, you will forgive me when you see this clip of adorable 2-year old Nikoh doing WWE Superstar impressions. It is so, so much better than you’re expecting. He covers John Cena, CM Punk, Team Hell No (both of them), briefly dabbles in Zack Ryder and tops things off with a Bryan Alvarez impression. No, really.

This is the kind of thing you should already be showing to people, so please, go do that. Nikoh’s parents, please don’t ever take this video down. It’s the greatest.