As we grow more impatient and tiresome of this NBA lockout, I’m going to offer a promise – no more stories about Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian after today. I will not bring up the fact that Kris Jenners, Humphries’ new manager, is trying to make her three daughters all get pregnant at the same time. But I do say “after today” because I can’t not bring up the low-flying tabloid story about Humphries’ in-flight encounter last Sunday.

In a story that has to be complete fiction but somehow apparently isn’t, Humphries was flying from Los Angeles to New Orleans and seated right next to him in first class was none other than Ray J. For those of you lucky enough to have been in a coma for the past 5 years, Ray J is better known as Brandy’s rapping brother and the guy who made a sex tape with Humphries’ new wife.

Awk. Ward.

After minutes of “awkward silence,” Ray J walked up to Humphries’ seat to congratulate him, but Kris acted like he didn’t recognize him. According to a source, “Ray J said, ‘Come on, you know who I am. I just want to say congratulations.’ Then Kris, realizing he was cornered, said, ‘Oh yeah, yeah, I’m sorry I know who you are.’ ” (Via the New York Post)

Ray J also allegedly texted Kim on her wedding day: “And to think you really have me to thank for all this.” Now he has the balls to walk up to Humphries and say, “You know who I am?” How the hell are these guys even on the same flight? There are coincidences and then there are nightmares. I’ve attended an ex-girlfriend’s wedding before. That’s pretty awkward. This doesn’t even have a proper word.

But if it’s being reported that it happened, I want to at least address it in a new feature… We Like to Think It Happened Like This.

People Magazine paid Kim Kardashian $1.5 million for the exclusive rights to publish her wedding photos in its latest issue, and I say that they only paid Kim because she’s the only person on the cover of this issue. Forget about that guy she married – New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries – because this isn’t about him. He’s just the dude who put the ring on her airbrushed finger.

But aside from the obvious, that this is just the first indication that Humphries is just along for a reality career that has been planned out slightly better than Paris Hilton’s, maybe there’s a perfectly good reason that only Kim, who is famous because she let Brandy’s brother mount her like a Shetland pony, appears on the cover of People’s wedding issue.

“It’s all about the bride. We wanted her. It’s her day, we wanted her on the cover,” said Garcia.

“He’s got a little height on her,” added Garcia of the New Jersey Nets forward. “It’s kind of tough to get them in the [same] shot.” (Via The Hollywood Reporter, which also points out that Arsenio Hall is still alive)

Translated: “We’re just saving some time and effort for her next wedding cover shoot.”

Whatever, it’s not like this is the first time that Kim has been on the cover of People without Kris…

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In case you weren’t aware, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries married Kim Kardashian over the weekend, in a wedding ceremony that reportedly cost close to $18 million. Of course they didn’t pay for any of it themselves, because E! wants to be able to call everything they paid for an exclusive and that RU486 advertising money has to go somewhere. In all, I wish just one of the helicopters flying overhead had been loaded with napalm.

As The Superficial points out, it’s pretty bad that an $18 million wedding didn’t include first class airfare for the groom’s parents. Mom and Pop Humphries, as well as Kris’ sister Kaela, flew coach from Minnesota to attend the lavish wedding, and while I can’t prove it at all, I’m going to assume that Khloe Kardashian spent $1 million on a private jet to take her from the couch to the car.

But the biggest news from the weekend had nothing to do with the wedding. Instead, it’s all about how Kim became famous in the first place – porn. The website that hosts Kim’s infamous amateur sex tape experienced quite a boost in traffic.

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On the next episode of Entourage...

A few weeks ago, I made fun of Miami Heat forward Chris Bosh because he had such a typical and unoriginal bachelor party for a guy who is the highest paid player on a team that features LeBron James and Dwyane Wade. Bosh, of course, took some friends to Las Vegas, just like your best friend, old college frat buddy, and 90% of male Americans. So what did New Jersey Nets forward and future Mr. Kim Kardashian Kris Humphries do for his bachelor party? He went to Las Vegas with all of his friends and teammates.

Just kidding, he was with the other male Kardashian accessories, Lamar Odom, Rob Kardashian and Scott Disdik, who has never made a facial expression in his life. So what was Kim up to? She was partying with her girls. Then they ruined Humphries’ life fun.

Later, Kim crashed her fiance’s stag party at Lavo in Vegas around 2 a.m., where the 6 ft 9 inch power forward partied with Kim’s brother Rob, Khloe’s husband, Lamar Odom, and a gaggle of NBA stars.

Of course, it was all filmed for an upcoming episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians on E! Entertainment TV. So check your local listings! (Via Sandra Rose)

Haha, you bet I will!

As for that “gaggle” of NBA stars, I’ve looked and looked but I can’t find another name other than Odom. People says that he was with “several NBA players” but your guess is as good as mine. Then again, it’s not like Humphries is exactly Mr. Popular so I shouldn’t be surprised that Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard and Blake Griffin were no-shows.

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