In yesterday’s Top Sports Moments of 2011 feature, I pointed out that New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has already proven time and again that he does relationships right. While other athletes have been taken to the cleaners by their wives in divorces because of infidelities, Jeter just brings home whichever girl or girls he wants, does his thing and then sends them home with an autographed ball in the morning. And you would think that a guy as wealthy and smart as Michael Jordan would have caught on to that logic by now, but you’d be wrong.

Jordan proposed to his girlfriend of 3 years Yvette Prieto sometime around Christmas, and that’s a good thing if you’re into that whole “love” idea. But I’m a capitalist, and I know that if I had already lost $186 million in my first divorce (Jordan was married to his first wife Juanita for 18 years before they divorced in 2007), I wouldn’t be so quick to get married again, especially when I’m now worth billions and own a NBA franchise.

I know, I’m playing the role of Scrooge here, and I should be happy for Air Jordan that he found love again, this time with a smoking hot Cuban model. But I just can’t help but think that somewhere Kobe Bryant is reading this post and whispering, “You gotta be f*cking kidding me.”

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Back in October, we were treated to a second Valentine’s Day when Rachel Uchitel married the love of her life at the same chapel in Las Vegas that united Britney Spears and Jason Alexander in their neverending holy matrimony. Uchitel, who is of course Tiger Woods’ most famous mistress, married former Penn State fullback Matt Hahn, who once scored one whole touchdown, and then they Tweeted a bunch of pictures of themselves getting dressed up for a Nickelback concert night on the Vegas strip to celebrate their nuptials with class and style.

Wanna hop in my time machine, travel back to October and make bets on why they actually got married?

“Expecting big things for 2012…Five down, four months to go,” Uchitel tweeted.

The former “Celebrity Rehab” star secretly married Hahn in October and the two have been living in San Francisco since their wedding…

(Via CBS News)

Wait, hold on. I know I suck at math, but her wedding was only two months ago and she has been pregnant for five? Color me shocked.

Last week, at the Major League Baseball winter meetings in Dallas, the unthinkable happened – the Florida Marlins actually spent money. But almost as remarkable, Albert Pujols signed a contract with a team not named the St. Louis Cardinals. As we all know all too well by now, Pujols signed a 10-year, $254 million guaranteed contract with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, presumably because it’s a team so Christianly nice it has Angels in it twice.

The real reason that the Angels made the splash was that they had just signed a $3 billion TV deal with Fox Sports, so owner Arte Moreno, despite previously lambasting his fellow owners for long, guaranteed contracts, was playing with house money. Also, it helped nab C.J. Wilson at a bargain, so why not do it? The reason the Cardinals didn’t match the offer is because they didn’t just sign a $3 billion TV deal and it would have meant that ¼ of the team’s payroll would be locked up in a soon-to-be 32-year old for a decade.

But now we’re in that awful aftermath period, like the complete opposite of orgasmic bliss, as the Cardinals are trying to focus on remaining competitive and Pujols and his camp try to save some face with a community that now questions his motives. So of course his wife, Deidre, went on the St. Louis Christian radio station that they help fund, and she offered some insight.

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Just when we all thought that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries had ruined the sanctity of marriage forever, Kristin Cavallari took to her Twitter account earlier this afternoon to strike an arrow through the hearts of the non-believers. Kristin has announced that she and Chicago Bears Quarterback Jay Cutler are engaged once more! Ah, that must be great news to Bears fans right now.

In case you forgot – in which case, you should see a physician to treat your amnesia – Cutler and Cavallari were previously engaged for a whopping three months. Cutler proposed during a spur-of-the-moment trip to Cabo in the spring (everyone knows Cancun is the spring spot, brah) but they just couldn’t withstand the media scrutiny, and they split in July.

And that’s not to say that the scrutiny has dissipated. Cutler was recently named the 5th most disliked player in the NFL, behind Mike Vick, Plaxico Burress, Ben Roethlisberger and Albert Haynesworth. That’s some pretty specific company, what with two felons, an accused rapist and a guy who stomped an opposing player’s head and then never tried hard again. But let me just remind everyone that Cutler is a great guy with a great sense of humor and he does so much to help children with diabetes.

And yes, yes I am just being nice so he will invite me to a fashion show. Sue me.

I don’t want to dip too much into our uncle Matt’s territory, but there was no way I wasn’t going to acknowledge the way “Saturday Night Live” absolutely destroyed the Kardashian family and especially Kris Humphries the other night. As we all know, Kim Kardashian and her Satanic soul thief mother, Kris Jenner, made at least $17 million off of her wedding to Humphries, regardless of what they try to convince their masses of mouth-breathing enablers.

Thankfully, in an episode of SNL that was otherwise as disappointing as we’ve come to expect, the show hit hard and early at the E! network’s biggest money maker, and the hardest hit were Humphries and Olympic legend Bruce Jenner, who was played to an amazing accuracy by Taran Killam. Andy Samberg’s brief impersonation of Humphries made my heart smile, and I can watch this video over and over. For our Canadian friends who can’t watch Hulu, I apologize, but I urge you to just accept our eventual dominance.

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Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo and receiver Miles Austin spoke with students at Cedar Hills High School in Texas yesterday about the dangers of drugs. One of the students asked the most important question anyone could ever ask about drugs: “Do you have any kids?” Now, to be fair, I assume that the context of that question involved Romo admitting that heavy drug use could cause a man to dump Carrie Underwood for Jessica Simpson. Either way, Romo’s answer shocked the assembly – nay, the universe!

“I got one on the way. My wife’s pregnant.”

That’s right, Admiral Fumbles managed to thread the needle with a laser beam pass to Candice Crawford’s womb. Crawford, of course, is the former Miss Missouri whom Romo wed five months ago. She’s the sister of actor Chace Crawford, whose eyebrows can haunt a man’s dreams for eternity.

But the timing of Romo’s announcement is rather peculiar for nosey media types, since there have been heavy rumors about Simpson being pregnant for 5 years the past few months. Simpson is engaged to former San Francisco 49ers and New Orleans Saints tight end Eric Johnson, but she certainly doesn’t look pregnant to me…

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