Last night, the Boston Bruins took a commanding 3-1 lead over the Toronto Maple Leafs in their first round Stanley Cup Playoffs series, and nobody really cares about that because Happy Endings star Elisha Cuthbert was in the crowd and – did that girl just get sassy with Alex Kerkovich?!?! Short answer – no. Long answer – still no, but with more clarification, obviously.

That young lady standing in front of Cuthbert is April Reimer, wife of Leafs goalie James Reimer, and since the goalie is the easiest person to blame any time the opposing team scores a goal, there’s a chance she wasn’t going to be very happy after the Bruins scored on her husband in overtime. That’s why this exchange between Elisha and April has us sassy Internet bloggers’ wives gossiping this morning.

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This week has already been highlighted by “news” that includes people accusing Beyonce of treason for lip-syncing the National Anthem, Manti Te’o playing the “What would you do?” game with Katie Couric, and Sheryl Crow, of all people, being dragged through the mud over Lance Armstrong admitting that he used PEDs, so I think it’s safe to say that this is quite the slow news week. But then, that’s what happens when you let those lazy football players take an extra week off before the Super Bowl.

Speaking of slow news and football players, I’m sure you’ve already read Wes Welker’s wife Anna’s less-than-favorable comments about Ray Lewis after the AFC Championship Game, in which she encouraged people to check out his lesser moments on his Wikipedia page. Of course, Anna (maiden name Burns, which means “fiery when drunk” in Irish) has since apologized, and we’ve heard very little from Lewis himself, making this almost a complete non-story.

That is, unless… yes, I think that’s… OH MAH GAWD, THAT’S LINDA HOGAN’S MUSIC!

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There once was a time when someone would send me a story that started off with “According to the National Enquirer…” and it would go into my deleted bin right after I’d send a quick “Come on, bro” response to that bro. But then something funny happened – the Enquirer totally nailed the Tiger Woods cheating scandal. Granted, that’s basically a prime example of the old adage about throwing sh*t at a wall, but it was still big enough to buy Enquirer a shred of credibility.

Well, friends, a shred ain’t enough to make me buy into this latest Enquirer “exclusive”.

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Last week, we brought you news that Kanye West had announced during his concert in Atlantic City that he had indeed conceived a child in the maternal dungeon that is Kim Kardashian’s womb. And, of course, the sports-related part of that story is that Kardashian is still married to Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries, so I vaguely speculated that this development could have a huge impact on the couple’s neverending divorce proceedings that are already costing them millions of dollars.

As it turns out, we almost – almost – had a contender for the most ridiculously amazing story of the year, thanks to California paternity laws.

They’ve been separated for more than a year, but that don’t matter much in California, where the husband of a pregnant woman is PRESUMED to be the father.

Translation — Kris Humphries has the edge going in as Kim Kardashian’s baby daddy. If he were to lay claim to the kid, Kim and Kanye would have to present “clear and convincing evidence” to a judge that Kanye did the dirty. (Via TMZ)

Unfortunately, as awesome as it would be to see Humphries proclaim, “Hurrr, that’s my kid now” and force Kardashian and Kanye to publically describe their sexual conquest – I’m sure there’s a tape – it turns out that the rule isn’t that simple. Humphries and Kardashian would have to actually be living together in order for him to stake his derpy claim to the child.

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Great.

There was a rumor earlier this year that Kim Kardashian was pregnant with Kanye West’s baby, but everyone in her camp of evil harpies denied it because it would have meant that she had been sleeping with West while she was still “happily married” to Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries and then he could have taken her to court and shouted, “Hurrrrr, pay up, derp.” Well now it’s official – Kardashian is indeed preggers, as West announced the conception of the antichrist at his concert in Atlantic City last night.

West delivered the news to a crowd of 5,000 at the casino hotel’s Ovation Hall in song form: “Now you having my baby.”

The 35-year-old West told concertgoers to congratulate his “baby mom” and that this was the “most amazing thing” as the crowd roared

Kardashian confirmed the news a few hours later on her official site. (Via the New York Daily News)

And then somewhere, while perched atop her throne of devoured skulls, Kris Jenner shouted, “DAMN YOU, KANYE! THAT NEWS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SOLD!” Then she rescheduled Kendall’s upcoming photoshoot with Penthouse, probably.

So what, then, does this mean for Humphries’ divorce, which has already famously cost a ton of money, as it has dragged on longer than his actual marriage to the woman who rose to fame for being Paris Hilton’s friend before releasing an amateur sex tape with Brandy’s brother and now pretends to be ashamed of that video even though she’s created an empire that endears toxic behavior and success without merit? *deep breath*

For an expert opinion, I turned to With Leather’s foremost legal authority, Danger Guerrero, who responded with this official insight…

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While he spends most of his days peddling overpriced autographs on his website and pimping his LockerDome webpage on Twitter, baseball’s all-time hits leader, Pete Rose, is still trying desperately to cling to relevance ever since he seemingly gave up his quest to be admitted into Major League Baseball’s Hall of Fame. Back in July, word surfaced that Rose’s plan to recapture his glory included a reality television show about him and his significantly younger Playboy model fiancée, Kiana Kim, and their road to marriage.

Of course TLC, the network that has brought us such educational classics as My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, Abby and Brittany, My Strange Addiction, Breaking Amish, Toddlers & Tiaras and, obviously, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, picked the show up, because it had just enough train wreck flair to warrant a six-episode run. And now, there’s no turning back, because Pete Rose: Hits & Mrs. has a debut date.

Chronicling preparations for Rose and his fiancee, ex-Playboy model Kiana Kim, as they blend their families and prepare for wedded life, the six-part docu-series will launch on the cable network Monday, Jan. 14, at 10 p.m.

According to the official synopsis, the 71-year-old Rose — who has been banned from professional baseball due to his gambling — and Kim will face “challenges other families face.” The upcoming nuptials mark Rose’s third trip down the aisle, while Kim has two children from a previous relationship. (Via The Hollywood Reporter)

Challenges other families face? I suppose that means the trials and tribulations of a couple 40 years apart, as women who can only find love with men north of 70 who have always looked like pillow cases stuffed with rocks need a couple to look up to. Perhaps if Cooperstown never comes calling, there will be a place in the reality TV Hall of Fame for Rose. Somewhere between the woman who eats couch cushions and that guy who punched Snooki.

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