Seems like quite the prophetic photoshop now.

Cristiano Ronaldo is a world class athlete who is immensely wealthy and considered to be one of the most attractive men on the planet by women everywhere. So it’s no shocker that the Real Madrid superstar has once again found himself at the center of the tabloid gossip universe, this time amid rumors that he cheated on his girlfriend of three years, supermodel Irina Shayk.

At the center of this controversy, though, is an old friend of ours – Miss Bum Bum Brasil 2012 runner-up Andressa Urach. The same runner-up who spent the week after last year’s pageant on a boat, hooking up with the winner, Carine Felizardo. And now Urach claims that Ronaldo is “obsessed” with that runner-up butt, enough that they recently had sex in a hotel on the night before Real Madrid’s 4-1 UEFA Champions League semifinals loss to Borussia Dortmund.

But Ronaldo denies that it ever happened, according to a super serious Twitter statement.

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In talking with a friend of mine yesterday, after news broke that Mindy McCready had killed herself, he asked, “Who the f*ck is Mindy McCready?” I first replied, “A country singer.” That didn’t clear anything up. Next I tried, “Crazy lady, always in and out of rehab”, but that didn’t help either. So I went with: “Roger Clemens had an affair with her back in the 90s when she was like 15 or something” and he replied, “Oh yeah”, and the reason I bring this up is because the New York Daily News editors apparently had a similar discussion with someone last night as well.

McCready’s death and her relationship with Clemens really have nothing to do with each other, unless you count “They’re both things that happened” as a valid excuse, in which case you can go ahead and report to the NY Daily News for your new gig. It’s also important to remember that not only is a very troubled person now dead, but so is her boyfriend, whose murder had people pointing at McCready, and she even killed her dog before offing herself, which… well, my feelings about people who kill pets can best be summed up in one GIF.

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It was roughly a year ago that rumors first surfaced regarding Los Angeles Lakers legend Kobe Bryant and his alleged affair with voluptuous Playboy model Jessica Burciaga, and most of us thought for sure that Vanessa Bryant was going to take her husband to the cleaners in a divorce. In February, despite Kobe and Vanessa being caught smooching after a Lakers game, the L.A. Times reported that the divorce was full-steam-ahead, as it was revealed that Vanessa would be taking a huge chunk of his amassed fortune, as well as three of the couple’s homes.

The news eventually trailed off and the rumors stopped circulating, and we all stopped caring, because athletes get divorced all the time. Also, Kobe had already bought his way out of a divorce for far worse reasons with a nice, humongous diamond ring, so who the hell knew what would happen?

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You may want to sit down for this news, because it will blow your mind, but apparently Kobe Bryant is trying to get laid again. And at the 2012 Summer Olympics of all places. I mean, the Olympics should be a sacred gathering of the world’s greatest athletes and showcase their talents and determination. But I guess things are bound to get a little screwy – pun originally not intended, but what the hell – when you have companies like Durex practically begging athletes to throw on a raincoat and get down.

As for Bryant, he’s now being called out by Australian women’s hoopster Liz Cambage and Australian swimmer Craig Stevens for trying to get down with Australia’s three-time gold medalist swimmer Stephanie Rice. Cambage Tweeted that Bryant was being a little too friendly with the ladies during these games and pointed out that it might not make his wife, Vanessa, very happy, but she later denied that she was referring to Rice. Stevens, though, just flat out called them on their freaky deaky.

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With the widespread use of social media and, more specifically the popularity of a jackass like Jose Canseco, I’m surprised that we don’t hear more from or about Pete Rose. Hell, I’m surprised that what may or may not be his Twitter account only has 4,000+ followers. But I guess that just means that the 71-year old all-time MLB hits leader has settled into the reality that most people just don’t give a crap about him anymore.

Apparently TLC missed that memo. The network once known as The Learning Channel has famously brought us shows like Toddlers and Tiaras, Jon and Kate Plus 8, 19 Kids and Counting, Sister Wives, and Extreme Couponing. Now, the network is adding a Pete Rose reality show to its stable. Is it about a legendary athlete now in his twilight years, ready to do whatever it takes to prove to the fans who once worshipped him that he was wrong for gambling and lying, and beg the forgiveness of the sport that made him a star so that he might one day enter Cooperstown before he takes his final breath?

No. It’s about him and his Playboy model girlfriend. Good for you, Charlie Hustle.

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By all accounts, 2011 was a fantastic year for David Beckham. Granted, it doesn’t take much for Beckham to have a great year, other than just waking up and collecting whatever random amount of money is being thrown at him and his wife, Ginger Scary Sporty Baby Posh Victoria, that day. But last year he was fortunate enough to get the albatross off his back in helping the L.A. Galaxy win the MLS Cup, and unless I missed someone throwing a pot of boiling water at his face, he’s still David-f*cking-Beckham.

Momentum already seems to be carrying over into 2012 for Becks as well, because word is he’s already being heavily considered to be the captain of Great Britain’s soccer team at the Olympics in London, and he’s returning to the Galaxy for two more seasons, as some people assume he’ll eventually make a push to buy the team. But before any of that happens, he has one tiny little thing that he wants to take care of – he really wants to sue In Touch Weekly and prostitute Irma Nici for claiming that he slept with her 5 times to the tune of $10,000 a pop in 2007.

The problem is a judge already said he can’t.

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