After it was revealed that Tiger Woods had snogged just about every Perkins waitress, porn star and party girl on both sides of the Mississippi during his marriage, it seemed pretty obvious that his ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, was going to hold him upside down and shake him until every last penny of his billion dollar net worth fell out. So we were all a little surprised when she walked with just $100 million, with which she purchased the above 6-bedroom mansion in Palm Beach.

But now, according to the Daily Mail, Nordegren is proving that there’s only one way to get the stink of the world’s best golfer’s affairs out of your carpet – tear that mother f*cking house down. Claiming that 6 bedrooms aren’t enough for her and her two children, Nordegren had the entire 9,000-sq. ft., $12 million mansion demolished so she could build a new, larger mansion from scratch.

In related news, women everywhere just hatched schemes to get professional athletes to marry them.

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With Leather's 2011 Random Hot Girl Who Was Shoehorned Into The News, Jessica Burciaga

As always, we take tabloid gossip about our favorite superstar athletes with a grain of salt because tabloids suck, but we also can’t ignore their reports because they’re usually so hilarious. In the case of Kobe Bryant, well, “once a cheater” and all that jazz. Fresh off a pretty embarrassing 4th quarter choke job against my preseason No. 3 Chicago Bulls, the news around the Los Angeles Lakers is less about Bryant’s 27 points (and 8 turnovers) with a torn ligament in his wrist and more about what will presumably be an incredibly messy divorce from his wife of 11 years, Vanessa.

According to the collection of “professional” poop-throwers known as TMZ, Kobe is super bummed that Vanessa is heading for the big D – and we don’t mean Dallas *spits tobacco* – and now he’s using his two daughters to make Vanessa realize that she can still make more money married to Kobe it work.

Kobe Bryant has NOT given up on saving his marriage … and sources close to the family tell us his two daughters are playing a major role in his effort to reconcile … TMZ has learned.

We’re told Kobe is “deeply depressed” over the situation — and is very concerned about how his daughters will handle growing up in two separate households.

Thanks TMZ, all I wanted for Christmas was a collection of sloppy ellipses. Kobe could very well be trying to salvage his marriage, which would make sense if anyone values more than half of $300 million, but I think we can probably agree that after a 2003 rape allegation that turned into an admitted affair and now these allegations that he cheated with Playmate Jessica Burciaga (above in case you aren’t staring and are actually reading this) among others, it’s going to take a pretty huge ring to get Vanessa to stick around after this one. And I just so happen to have a picture of that ring after the jump.

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As we learned the other day, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant and his wife, Vanessa, gave their two young daughters the greatest gift of them all this year – a lifetime of two Christmases. The Bryants are divorcing after a 10-year marriage that began when the two met on the set of a rap video, which is just a shame because rap video marriages are supposed to last forever.

However now, not even a week after the story broke, another rap video starlet is being dragged through the mud, and this time it’s not for a feature in Dirty Girls magazine. Former Playboy Playmate Jessica Burciaga was named by TMZ as Bryant’s mistress, and the 28-year old cover model of Performance Auto and Sound and Lowrider magazines is irate over it.

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That's their Christmas card. Seriously.

Maybe the coolest thing that I saw on TV this year took place last week when Barbara Walters interviewed her Most Fascinating People of 2011 (that were most likely picked by the ABC network) and she told the Kardashians to their faces: “You don’t really act. You don’t sing. You don’t dance. You don’t have any — forgive me — any talent.” Oh you’re forgiven, you silver fox. You’re forgiven all night long, because I absolutely love that they thought they were going to be praised yet again and that mean ol’ lady just sucker punched them all.

And the reason I’m bringing this up is because I’m kind of starting to feel bad for Kris Humphries, but not in a “This poor guy is being dragged through the mud” kind of way. More like, “Good Lord, this oaf really had no idea what he was getting himself into.” And we should probably point and laugh when he gets sideswiped on Good Morning America, because he’s a fool for thinking they wanted to talk to him about being a NBA free agent. Even teams don’t want to talk to him about that!

Now he’s being painted as verbally abusive and an all-around dick by this scripted, favorably-edited swill, and I sort of feel bad for him, mostly because his ex-wife is out doing stuff like this…

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It has been just over 8 years since Katelyn Faber accused Kobe Bryant of sexual assault. That’s important to note because even despite her husband admitting to having an affair with Faber while denying that he raped her, Vanessa Bryant stood by her man. Kobe paid Faber off, even after she refused to testify, and then we went to Jared’s and bought Vanessa a rock so big that her ring finger needed a personal assistant.

So 8 years later, they’re getting divorced. That begs the question – what the hell could be so much worse than being accused of anal rape that could lead to divorce now?

† Kobe’s latest extra-marital affair was so blatant, the couple’s daughters were said to be in the woman’s presence on a number of occasions and were fully aware their dad was cheating on their mother.

† And the Lakers superstar’s wife learned that Kobe’s many promises to “never do that again” were just a bunch of hooey, and that he laughed off his apologies to her in conversations with his closest friends.

(Via the Chicago Sun-Times)

Hooey, I tell you! Hooey! What else is Hooey? Being worth $300 million and not having a pre-nup. Have we learned nothing from Tiger Woods?

Once again, I will gladly remind all of you aspiring athletes and celebrities that if you’re thinking about getting married, take a good, long, hard look at Kobe and Tiger. Then take one simple glance at Derek Jeter. Then sign a few balls and throw them in the backseat of your car.

After the jump, we remember the Bryants’ marriage. I feel it is best viewed while listening to the greatest love song ever written (with apologies to Tesla).

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Back in August, Linda Hogan went on just about every hacky radio show that would listen to her about her book, “Wrestling the Hulk: My Life Against the Ropes”, and eventually that took her to Matty P’s Happy Hour, which is a show that has featured such celebrities as Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite and that swastika-tattooed girl that Jesse James slept with. A “caller” asked Linda if it was true that her ex-husband, Hulk Hogan, and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake had a homosexual relationship, and she was totally surprised that someone asked her about something she wrote about in her book that she was promoting. So of course she said yes, while trying to be coy about it so she didn’t “end up getting a lawsuit.”

*record scratch*

As reported earlier, the wrestling icon, 58, filed court papers last week accusing his ex, 52, of defamation, after she accused him of brutal physical abuse and cheating on her with a male wrestler.

Clarified Hogan about Linda’s charge that he had a sexual relationship with fellow wrestler Brutus Beefcake: “If any of that was true, I would admit it, and I was a homosexual I would embrace it. It’s just so crazy to hear, so I have a real problem with it….If you’re going to say I’m something that I’m not to try to ruin my career and my livelihood….I have to answer her back.”

(Via MSNBC)

It is being reported that Brutus (real name: Edward Leslie) is also suing Linda for defamation, and I’m quite eager to see the judge’s response to a man who spent the 80s dressed as a flamboyant, shirtless barber in a bowtie, with the last name Beefcake. But damn straight, pun mildly intended, that’ll show the woman who just took 70% of everything Hogan had. Now he can get some of that money back and spend the rest of his life trying to get this picture off the Internet…

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