Deion Sanders and his second wife, Pilar, have had a very well-documented, nasty public battle going ever since they filed for divorce in September of last year. Pilar has accused Deion of being a narcissistic bully, among other things, claiming that the man who once called himself Primetime and wore more gold than Mr. T craved constant attention and demanded regular self-assurance, not only from his wife, but the multiple alleged mistresses that he had during their marriage.

Deion, on the other hand, has tried to maintain the image of a man who cares first and foremost about a stable family life and a sense of well-being for his three children with Pilar – Shilo, Shedeur and Shelomi – and apparently there’s no better way to support normalcy than having your kids fill out police reports and then post a picture of it on Twitter.

As you can see above, Deion and his kids filled out police reports against Pilar yesterday after she and a friend allegedly attacked Deion in his bedroom as the kids were watching TV. And because Twitter has always been known as a medium of truth and justice, Deion openly spoke of the assault to his Tweeps:

I guess each man is entitled to respond to his own divorce and, in this case, alleged domestic assault however he sees fit, so if Deion wants to broadcast his battles on Twitter, more power to him. I just love when Deion is in the news, because then I can share my favorite story about him – Carlton Fisk calling him a “piece of sh*t” – and probably the most unintentionally hilarious video of all-time…

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"Ladies and gentlemen, if the husband is a dipsh*t, you must acquit."

As the 2011-12 NBA season has now lasted longer than his marriage to Kim Kardashian, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries will soon head to court to convince a judge to grant an annulment instead of proceeding with an actual divorce. Kardashian, on the other hand, hired divorce attorney Laura Wasser, who previously helped Maria Shriver, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie take their famous husbands to the cleaners.

Humphries originally wanted to be represented by his family’s attorney in Minnesota – and broadcast the hearing to show us all the real “reality” – but California law requires someone from that state, so instead of finding his own big gun to fire back against Wasser, he’s going in the complete opposite direction – by representing himself. So what does Michael Bluth expect to get out of playing Matlock?

“Kris would like there to be an admission that there was fraud, that there was a malicious intention by the Kardashians to use Kris and to make money and benefit themselves from him ,” says the source. “He wants them to publicly admit that they never intended for it to be a real marriage.” (Via Hollywood Life)

Yeah, good luck with that, dude. Here’s a quick prediction of how Wasser will prepare Kardashian:

Wasser: “Can you cry on command?”
Kardashian: “I’m not sure, I’m not an actress or singer or person with discernible talent.”
Wasser: “Pretend that Nicki Minaj’s cousin just refused to make a sex tape with you.”
Kardashian: *screams out in agony*
Wasser: “Your honor, my client is the victim.”

I was so busy sending free back rub coupons to Emma Stone on Valentine’s Day that I forgot all about Kobe Bryant and his wife, Vanessa, being caught on camera as they shared this smooch at a Los Angeles Lakers game.

That got everyone wondering, “Holy crap, is she going to forgive him for allegedly cheating on her with Playboy model Jessica Burciaga?” And apparently the answer is: “Hahahahaha, hell no.” According to the Los Angeles Times, the kiss didn’t mean much, because the divorce is still moving along and Vanessa is still set to receive a little compensation for her 10-year marriage:

- An estate in the Resort at Pelican Hill that was recently under construction. Property records peg its worth at $11.2 million. Bryant’s agent, Rob Pelinka, was the listed owner until he signed transfer papers Dec. 15.
- A home worth $2.9 million owned jointly by the couple since 2003. Vanessa Bryant signed documents to transfer it into her name Dec. 14.
- A home valued at $4.7 million that was transferred to Vanessa on Dec. 30 from the Kobe Bryant trust.

Between the mansions and the money, Vanessa is expected to net about $75 million from this divorce. Poor Kobe. Only $75 million left to buy a new house and find love somewhere else. Let’s all hope he can get through this. Stay strong, Mamba.

For the past few months, Kim Kardashian and her family of reality TV gypsies have tried their hardest to play the PR game in the wake of her divorce from New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries. As we’ve discussed with great fervor and joy, the public response to her divorce after 72 days of marriage was fiery and hateful, as the Kardashians tried very hard to play the role of victims after milking Kim’s big day for approximately $17 million. Allegedly.

The PR game, of course, was controlled by the producers of Khloe and Kim Take New York, as each episode of the show made Humphries out to be the most despicable man on the planet. Some of us knew better than that – because he’s too dumb to be evil – but Humphries still needed a chance to expose the actual reality and not E!’s warped version.

BOOM! Welcome to divorce court.

Sources tell us … Kris and his lawyer, Lee Hutton, want to “expose the M.O. of reality TV” by proving Kim had no intention of staying married to him, but just wanted big ratings for her reality show.

Now here’s the irony. The duo wants to prove their point by asking the judge to allow TMZ and TV stations to broadcast the trial — something that the judge might find a tad hypocritical … not that we’re complaining. (Via TMZ)

Ummmmm, no. That’s not what hypocritical means, guys. Hypocritical would be Humphries selling the rights to air the divorce after he and his management team edits it to show the “reality” that he wants to show.

What Humphries and his lawyer want to do is broadcast the divorce hearings so us jerkholes that have been bagging on him can see the real truth – that Kim and her mom, Kris Jenner, are manipulative divas with no talent other than preying on the dimwitted for the sake of profit, and that the wedding was their ultimate masterpiece.

But of course TMZ points out one big problem…

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Let’s play a game. Pretend that you were once an inexplicably famous TV star, despite never displaying a single actual talent, and your only contribution to society was an amateur porn tape. You dated professional athletes and made your relationships public news by leaking sordid details to the tabloids, and you eventually decided to marry a mouth-breathing backup forward at the height of your popularity. But then the empire began to crumble when word leaked out that you profited $17 million on that wedding, and the public became enraged when that marriage ended after 72 days.

This game is called “Common Sense Damage Control” and I’m obviously talking about Kim Kardashian, who has possibly put on the worst charade in the history of public perception. After her divorce from New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries, Kardashian used charity work and sharp video editing skills to try and salvage her image by making Humphries look like the bad guy, but none of her efforts really worked. So let’s put ourselves in her shoes.

If the whole world was screaming for your demise because you just received a windfall from an allegedly fake wedding during one of the worst economic periods in American history, would you:

A) Call Oprah and Ellen and beg for them to have you on their shows so you can be open and honest and try to redeem yourself through appealing to the emotions of your angered fans.
B) Take some time off, drop out of the public eye and let people forget about you for a year or so.
C) Air your reality show’s season finale, in which you meet with fake telepathic medium John Edwards, who pretends to channel your dead father, and then sob about how that is your reason for wanting to get a divorce.

Oh you f*cking know it was C. Seriously, if you watch “Kourtney and Kim Take New York”, please email me your address so I can come to your house and throw a brick through your TV.

"Man, this place looks ruff."

Two weeks ago, we mentioned that Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren (inset, attractive) had bulldozed her $12 million home, with very little reasoning or explanation other than she didn’t like it. Turns out that was a little off, thank goodness, because she had somehow found a way to make herself into at least 1/10th of the villain that El Tigre had.

Nordegren recently defended her decision and explained with verification from her construction team that the house was a death trap, as it had been riddled by termites and rot, which I assume is also her nickname for Woods’ genitals.

So not only does she have a great reason for having to tear down the house that will now ultimately cost her close to $25 million, but she also made the best of it for the sake of helping charity. Before the house was demolished, Nordegren had the construction workers go through the house and salvage anything they could – chandeliers, window frames, doors, etc. – and she donated them all to Habitat for Humanity.

You know, if she wasn’t already seeing another billionaire, I might have considered dating this woman.

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