Chances are that if you know who Jasmine Waltz is without having to Google her, then you’re either a fan of “celebrity” sex tapes or you’re way too involved with David Arquette’s private life. But I won’t blame you for the latter, because he is, after all, a former WCW Champion, so he deserves our respect. I assume, though, that you wouldn’t know Waltz from a Megan Fox impersonator at your cousin’s awesome bachelor party, so here’s a rundown of her résumé:

Quick backstory on Jasmine Waltz. She is an aspiring actress and has dated, hooked up with, or has been linked to David Arquette, Zac Efron, Chris Pine, Ryan Seacrest, Jesse McCartney, Doug Reinhardt and Vinny from “The Jersey Shore.” And those are just the easily Google-able guys, there are probably more secret hook-ups. But we don’t blame them, she’s hot. Like Megan Fox hot!

Apparently she has a type: FAMOUS. (Via Hollyscoop)

And as you can see from that banner pic, she does look a lot like Fox, so that’s probably why all of those young, horny celebrities have been tripping over themselves to spend a romantic evening with her. As I also mentioned, she has a sex tape out there thanks to a sweet $60,000 deal that she signed with Vivid back in 2011, and that means that she has zero vertical talent.

So what the hell am I bringing her up for today? According to Hollyscoop, swimming-legend-turned-poker-pro Michael Phelps is now dating Waltz after he broke up with his Las Vegas waitress and model girlfriend, Megan Rossee.

I have to be honest, if you had told me that a gold medalist swimmer was going to be losing a ton of money by playing professional poker while dating high maintenance, gold-digging models, I would have guessed Ryan Lochte 10 times out of 10. Is it possible that Lochte is actually smarter than Phelps? It sure seems that way. But Phelps is definitely having more fun in the meantime.

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If you head on over to free agent Nyjer Morgan’s Twitter account, you’ll notice that he’s currently taking suggestions for a new Twitter handle and asking his 85,000+ followers to come join him on his new Twitter account that doesn’t even exist yet. And while I could probably spend the rest of the afternoon suggesting new Twitter handles for him – including @Mr239Average, @MilwaukeesWorst and @WorthlessInOctober, among others – I should probably point out that the reason he needs a new Twitter account is because he was “hacked”.

Of course, by hacked I mean that he had an easy password, entrusted it with his girlfriend and then apparently cheated on her (or at least really pissed her off). That’s why if you’re one of the 85K that he’s begging to Jerry Maguire with him, you may have noticed a little craziness on his Twitter feed last night. You know, because he got “hacked”.

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I don’t even know where to start with the 2013 BCS National Championship Game. For starters, I wrote yesterday that my gut said it felt like a 20-point Alabama win. F*ck that. 42-14 didn’t even do this game justice. The Crimson Tide owned the No. 1 Notre Dame Fighting Irish in a way that we’ve never seen before, but this game was over in the first quarter when No. 2 Alabama stormed out to a 14-0 lead. Seriously, there wasn’t a glimpse of life from the Irish that even suggested it was going to be a game.

But I’m a smart guy, and you’re smart readers, and we all know when this title game was actually over. It was when ESPN announcer Brent Musberger had absolutely nothing else to talk about but ‘Bama QB AJ McCarron’s girlfriend and Miss Alabama USA, Katherine Webb. Yes, she’s a very attractive girl. And yes, she is an Auburn girl, which makes it so much more of a statement for Tide fans. However, this should have been about the product on the field. Instead, it’s about how she gained more than 100,000 followers on Twitter last night.

Hell, even Arizona Cardinals defensive end Darnell Dockett wanted to take Webb to Wingstop, because she apparently owes him for all of her new followers (Sure, dude). And, much more importantly to our cause, Kate Upton offered her own shoulder for Irish fans to cry on. Bottom line – this game was a humiliating one for Notre Dame fans. But they were lucky that we had a distraction like Webb.

With that said, here were some of my favorite random BCS title game Tweets, set to the tune of Miss Alabama’s greatest hits. ROLL TIDE!

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Well friends, pack up the hero worship and get the Heisman committee on the phone, because we have a big, old controversy for this year’s Heisman Trophy winner, Johnny Manziel, already. Manziel, of course, turned in a great season with the Texas A&M Aggies, as he passed for 3,706 yards and 26 touchdowns, while rushing for 1,410 yards and another 21 TDs, all of which was good enough to make him the first freshman to ever win college football’s top individual prize.

To make the season even better for the Aggies, Manziel carried them to an 11th win in the Cotton Bowl, as he torched Oklahoma for four TDs, including two in the air and two on the ground. In a year that really lacked college football superstars – mostly thanks to injuries – Manziel was truly the most exciting guy to watch. But none of that matters now because people are upset that he’s a big ol’ boozehound. Allegedly.

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Shaun White is a rock star. He’s 26-years old, a global snowboarding icon, gold medalist and worth millions upon millions of dollars. He’s even been known to trash a hotel room, an act which got him his first-ever shred of negative attention back in September, and people barely ever talked about it. Why didn’t anyone care? Because when you’re a young, long-haired “extreme” athlete, people expect you to be wasted, cause ruckus in a hotel, pull fire alarms and get punched while trying to escape. That’s the gosh-darned American celebrity way of life right there.

Oh, and the other reason nobody really talked about it? Because everyone was still so busy freaking out over the rumors from the 2012 Summer Olympics regarding White dating super duper model Bar Refaeli. Seriously, people were going nuts over that, like, “How the hell is that gorgeous super model dating that redheaded dude?” as if he was the real life version of Rocky Dennis. Gee, I sure do wonder why that gorgeous woman was attracted to the young, famous, wealthy, confident millionaire. Some mysteries were just meant to never be solved.

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For the past few days, some of our Interweb bloggy peers have been speculating that the recent Twitter activity between Minnesota Vikings QB Christian Ponder and ESPN college football reporter Samantha Steele made it seem like they had something going on. Like, maybe they were sexting like the cool kids do. And it turns out they do have something going on, because Ponder is an open kind of dude and he pretty much welcomes men everywhere, between the ages of 15 and 55, hating him.

I don’t want to come off as one of those bros who only talks about Steele because she’s very attractive, because I think she’s excellent at her job. But yes, she is very attractive. And Ponder is showing flashes of being a solid-to-great franchise QB for the Vikings, so of course they’ll just run off and get married now and have a bunch of kids that are really popular and cool, and Ponder will be elected president and they’ll do it in the Lincoln bedroom and everyone will be like, “World peace!” and good for them, because would it kill Ponder to let Adrian Peterson score one damn touchdown this week?

Wow, I’m an emotional mess today because of this news, as I’m sure many other dudes who think Samantha has that whole “Brooklyn Decker with an incredible sports encyclopedia” for a brain thing happening. I guess there are worse guys out there for her – Mark Sanchez, Matt Leinart, Brian Urlacher, to name a few – but we’re allowed to be sad, fellas. So I’ve put together this excessive collection of GIFs for both bros and babes to gauge their emotional response.

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