Last night, the Boston Bruins took a commanding 3-1 lead over the Toronto Maple Leafs in their first round Stanley Cup Playoffs series, and nobody really cares about that because Happy Endings star Elisha Cuthbert was in the crowd and – did that girl just get sassy with Alex Kerkovich?!?! Short answer – no. Long answer – still no, but with more clarification, obviously.

That young lady standing in front of Cuthbert is April Reimer, wife of Leafs goalie James Reimer, and since the goalie is the easiest person to blame any time the opposing team scores a goal, there’s a chance she wasn’t going to be very happy after the Bruins scored on her husband in overtime. That’s why this exchange between Elisha and April has us sassy Internet bloggers’ wives gossiping this morning.

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“I met Jaimee in Las Vegas.”

Before I get to this week’s recap of the third episode of E!’s brilliant new reality series, What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, I want to share my semi-depression over a missed opportunity. I like to believe that I have my finger forever tapped into the pulse of my beloved Orlando, and if there’s going to be a celebrity appearance, I usually know about it. So as I watched WWRLD last night, I was a little miffed that I never received my VIP passes to the Orlando Grand Prix back in February to watch Ryan Lochte place first in the races that were included in this week’s episode and not win the other races that were excluded, including the one race that he was disqualified from.

But I was even more upset to learn that Lochte was JEAHing it up at an Orlando nightclub this past Saturday night, and I could have met up with him and fulfilled my dream of watching him hit on women in person. Some people want to watch LeBron James dunk, but I’d rather watch Lochte dish out classic lines like, “Hey girl, potato.” I guess that in my quest to completely understand one man’s existence, I’ve lost track of my own.

We live, we learn, we watch this show so you don’t have to.

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Pittsburgh’s 96.1 KISS FM Morning Freak Show, hosted by Mikey and Big Bob, responded to a Twitter rumor yesterday that Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby is dating country-turned-pop star Taylor Swift. Normally, I’d be like, “Stupid morning radio bros startin’ poop with awful photoshops” but not this time, because this rumor totally seems like it could be true.

For example, Swift is playing at the Amway Center tonight in my beloved Bethlehem of the meth belt, Orlando, and I wouldn’t even flinch if someone walked up to me in a strip club and said, “Hey I heard Sidney Crosby’s in town because Taylor Swift is playing a show tonight” because she has a different boyfriend every week. In fact, I’m shocked that she hasn’t dated Crosby yet. Hell, any pro athlete for that matter.

So because it’s eventually going to happen, and Swift will break up with whichever athlete she gets her talons on (please be Tebow, please be Tebow…) and then she’ll write an entire album about him, I took the liberty of writing her first hit single off that album.

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"Oh well, guess I'm just stuck with my $110 million."

Two weeks ago, there was a juicy HOTT GOSS rumor floating around that Tiger Woods was offering his ex-wife Elin Nordegren $200 million to remarry him, and he was backing that up with an additional $350 million prenuptial agreement. Of this rumor, which came from the dismissive-wank-worthy National Enquirer, I wrote that it made no sense, because:

1. Nordegren already took $110 million from Woods in their divorce, so why would she trade the remaining shreds of her dignity for $200 million and endless public scorn?
2. Woods could save his $550 million package and still sleep with pretty much any girl on this planet.

It turns out that option 2 was correct, because the man who is probably going to win his seventh Farmers Insurance Open title today has apparently been dating Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn since November.

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Chances are that if you know who Jasmine Waltz is without having to Google her, then you’re either a fan of “celebrity” sex tapes or you’re way too involved with David Arquette’s private life. But I won’t blame you for the latter, because he is, after all, a former WCW Champion, so he deserves our respect. I assume, though, that you wouldn’t know Waltz from a Megan Fox impersonator at your cousin’s awesome bachelor party, so here’s a rundown of her résumé:

Quick backstory on Jasmine Waltz. She is an aspiring actress and has dated, hooked up with, or has been linked to David Arquette, Zac Efron, Chris Pine, Ryan Seacrest, Jesse McCartney, Doug Reinhardt and Vinny from “The Jersey Shore.” And those are just the easily Google-able guys, there are probably more secret hook-ups. But we don’t blame them, she’s hot. Like Megan Fox hot!

Apparently she has a type: FAMOUS. (Via Hollyscoop)

And as you can see from that banner pic, she does look a lot like Fox, so that’s probably why all of those young, horny celebrities have been tripping over themselves to spend a romantic evening with her. As I also mentioned, she has a sex tape out there thanks to a sweet $60,000 deal that she signed with Vivid back in 2011, and that means that she has zero vertical talent.

So what the hell am I bringing her up for today? According to Hollyscoop, swimming-legend-turned-poker-pro Michael Phelps is now dating Waltz after he broke up with his Las Vegas waitress and model girlfriend, Megan Rossee.

I have to be honest, if you had told me that a gold medalist swimmer was going to be losing a ton of money by playing professional poker while dating high maintenance, gold-digging models, I would have guessed Ryan Lochte 10 times out of 10. Is it possible that Lochte is actually smarter than Phelps? It sure seems that way. But Phelps is definitely having more fun in the meantime.

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If you head on over to free agent Nyjer Morgan’s Twitter account, you’ll notice that he’s currently taking suggestions for a new Twitter handle and asking his 85,000+ followers to come join him on his new Twitter account that doesn’t even exist yet. And while I could probably spend the rest of the afternoon suggesting new Twitter handles for him – including @Mr239Average, @MilwaukeesWorst and @WorthlessInOctober, among others – I should probably point out that the reason he needs a new Twitter account is because he was “hacked”.

Of course, by hacked I mean that he had an easy password, entrusted it with his girlfriend and then apparently cheated on her (or at least really pissed her off). That’s why if you’re one of the 85K that he’s begging to Jerry Maguire with him, you may have noticed a little craziness on his Twitter feed last night. You know, because he got “hacked”.

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