Bad news for sorority girls everywhere – everybody’s favorite brah-diddy Jay Cutler is getting married. The Chicago Bears quarterback, who rose to fame during the NFL playoffs earlier this year by playing through a sprained MCL to fall just short of the Super Bowl, proposed to his girlfriend Kristin Cavallari, who is an internationally-renowned fashion icon rising to fame through hard work, talent and dedication.

Hold on, my trusty falcon, Serge, has just returned from fetching my daily news and he has informed me that neither of those descriptions are true. Oh well. So how did it happen, People?

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Khloe Kardashian is famous because her sister, Kim, made a sex tape with Brandy’s brother and her father helped O.J. Simpson get away with murder (allegedly). Then she became even more famous because she married Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom and America is full of idiots that like to watch talentless people in their everyday routines under the guise of reality programming. Thus, Lamar & Khloe debuted on the third horseman of the network apocalypse, E!, last night and I watched it so I could tell you all about how horrifying it was.

And it did not let me down. Some of the highlights include…

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If you’re like me you spend a lot of time concerned about the love lives of the world’s wealthiest professional athletes. Like, Tiger Woods, for instance, who was callously dumped by his wife Elin Nordegren last year all because he “had sex” with “a bunch of whores”. Whatever happened to “’til death do us part”, Elin?

Well if you’re worried about El Tigre, don’t be. Because he’s back on the horse, and by horse I mean he’s banging dating a 22-year old girl now. The girl in question is Alyse Lahti, daughter of former St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Jeff Lahti and a volleyball star at the University of New Hampshire. And yes, that is Alyse in the Proactiv ad mugshot to the right. She was arrested for DUI last year in my beloved Orange County, Florida.

Which begs the question – She lives in Orlando and I live in Orlando, she likes to drink and I like to drink, so why aren’t we dating? Is it the fact that I’m not a billionaire professional athlete? Wow, that’s pretty shallow, Alyse. And to think I was going to let you sleep in my With Leather t-shirt.

If you’re into Facebook stalking, you can check out more photos of Alyse at the Palm Beach Post. But I try to respect a girl’s privacy. Except in public restrooms.

Sadly, Lamar tapped out a long time ago.

A few months ago, we brought you news that Los Angeles Lakers sweet tooth Lamar Odom and his chupacabra wife Khloe Kardashian would be releasing their own designer fragrance for both men and women. And if you were holding your breath and praying for its release, well wait no longer – “Unbreakable” has arrived. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, Perfumania will be fully stocked with Khlomar’s new fragrance, which includes a variety of unique ingredients that come together to define this unisex scent of love:

It possesses a blend of Italian bergamot, sparkling clementine, Asian saffron, green apple, African geranium, sheer jasmine, lily of the valley, juicy red fruits, texas cedarwood, tonka bean, vanilla bean and dark chocolate. (Via Celebrity Mania)

I guessed a sweaty bag of Skittles and Pacific Ocean seaweed. Close enough.

Video for Unbreakable after the jump…

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For some terrible reason, people watch Bravo and now the network that once celebrated the best of cinema and television is giving us yet another installment of “Real Housewives”. The upcoming season will take place in Miami, and while previous seasons have featured women who aren’t actually married and therefore not actually housewives, this season will push the envelope full of anthrax even further with a drag queen, who is, of course, friends with Dennis Rodman.

Oh, and I suppose I should mention that Scottie Pippen’s wife, Larsa, is going to be on it, too. Because that’s the reason I brought it up anyway. Apparently Scottie wasn’t too pleased with Larsa’s decision to be on the show, but then she reminded him that he’s lost $120 million in investments during his career, so maybe it was the best move to go against his gut feeling.

Please explain to me why this show is called “Real Housewives”, Popeater…

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That bombshell to the right is Candice Crawford, fiancé of Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo and sister of Gossip Girls star Chace Crawford. I’m mentioning her because we glossed over her engagement to Romo last month and I felt bad about that. Romo, of course, had previously been romantically linked to Carrie Underwood (unfairly married to Ottawa Senators centre Mike Fisher) and Jessica Simpson, who is engaged to former NFL tight end Eric Johnson, who I once started on a fantasy squad because Antonio Gates was on a bye. But there’s not excitement among the pretty people, so that can mean only one thing…

Tabloids are reporting that Khloe Kardashian and her husband and Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom are expecting a baby. But according to the Skittles-loving Lamar, there’s no baby on the way. So someone go ahead and put the chains back on the gates of hell for a few more weeks…

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