Morning Links: Tim Tebow’s Next Girlfriend Is In For A Surprise

Written by Brandon Stroud / 01.10.12

Tim Tebow's Next Girlfriends

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The Bizarre Twitter Obsession With Tim Tebow Possibly Having Herpes - Apparently Twitter has never heard of cold sores. Ron Mexico has herpes AND murdered a bunch of dogs, let’s stay focused here, people. [Buzzfeed]

Arkansas State’s One-Armed Fan Deserves Props for an Awesome Sign - Well done. Also, it’s fun to pretend “Brobible” rhymes with “probable”. [Brobible]

The Best Of #Jack Donaghy - “I tracked him down to an address in Brooklyn. He’s on LinkedIn, Lemon. He might as well be dead.” [UPROXX]

emmy-rossum-has-dead-eyesThe World Was A Much Better Place With MTV’s Rock N Jock Sports - Don’t sleep on this gallery of pants Dan Cortese has worn. MTV should bring this back, but first they’ve got to seem like they’re run by human beings again. [With Leather]

Jay-Z Delivers New Song “Glory” For Baby Blue Ivy - Nas should record a Blue Ivy diss track, now. Jay whimpering about how beautiful his daughter is really puts those SHE’S THE DAUGHTER OF THE ILLUMINATI SATAN rumors into perspective, doesn’t it? [Smoking Section]

“Shameless” Season Two Review: Emmy Rossum Now Even More Naked than Ever - I love how HBO and Showtime have basically just turned into the Mr. Skin Network. Emmy Rossum should try filming an episode with her shirt on and see if the show gets any better. [Pajiba]

Kenny Powers Is Back. Thank God. - “You know what? I can already tell that I don’t like you. And I’m probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull-ups or push ups you can do.” [Warming Glow]

Here’s The Ghost Rider 2/He-Man Mashup Absolutely No One Saw Coming - Solid, but not as good as the Four Non Blondes/He-Man mash-up (though few things are). [UPROXX]

What’s With The Devil Inside’s Ending? - I hate this so much I can barely put it into words. This is the Lynchburg Virginia Haunted House of movies. Sure, the house is great, but there’s a dude waiting to tell me to go to his church and get keen on Jesus at the end. [Film Drunk]

Is Spanish Actress Lina Sanz Angelina Jolie’s Long Lost Twin? - I bet Angelina Jolie is really tired of people sending this to her. I also bet she’s never used a computer, and sends e-mails via courier. [The FW]

The Largely Depressing Fates Of 10 Iconic Child Actors - If the people who wrote this think Chunk losing weight and becoming a lawyer is depressing, they should read about what happened to the little girl who voiced Ducky in The Land Before Time. THAT sh*t is depressing. [FARK]

Altering More Childhood Memories with Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone Cosplay - Forget Betty, Pebbles circa ‘The Pebbles & Bamm-Bamm Show’ is where it’s at. [Unreality]

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This Week In Chicks Who Date Athletes: Kim Kardashian Butt-Watch Edition

Written by Ashley Burns / 06.28.11

Ever since the E! network allegedly paid for a 20-carat engagement ring and gave it to New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries to give to Kim Kardashian, it’s been a nonstop whirlwind of marriage preparation for the talentless giant ass and the guy she’ll probably leave at the altar. But of course all that preparation will focus on her ass, because why shouldn’t it?

After a recent filming of Project Runway, for which Kardashian was a special guest judge with all of her fashion expertise, host Heidi Klum went for a jog with Kardashian to help her get in wedding shape.

She is set to wed NBA player Kris Humphries later this year and has vowed to ‘slim down’ before the big day.

‘I want to really get in fab shape!’ she has said.

She has been has been hitting regularly, some times managing multiple workouts a day.

Meanwhile, the star went out of her way to prove that her curves are all natural in teh latest episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. (Daily Mail)

(It’s a banner day for tabloid “journalism” when writers are misspelling “the”. I’m hardly Hunter S. Hemingway, but come on. The British have lost the right to question our academic system for the next 24 hours.)

You know, they say the camera adds 10 pounds, which means that bridesmaid Khloe Kardashian will be wearing something from the Barnum & Bailey collection. As for Kim, a virginal bride should traditionally wear white on her wedding day, which has limited her color selection to “burnt match”.

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Did Rashard Lewis Bang LeBron’s Girl?

Written by Ashley Burns / 06.10.11

After the Miami Heat lost to the Dallas Mavericks in Game 4, Stephen A. Smith reported that LeBron James was distracted by “personal issues” and that is supposedly an excuse for a superstar delivering an 8-point performance in the freaking NBA Finals. Smith, though, has a direct line to Worldwide Wes, Maverick Carter and ultimately James, even though he won’t simply admit it and pretends that he makes predictions on his own, so he’s probably right. Now we know that James may have been distracted because Rashard Lewis allegedly had sex with his girlfriend, Savannah Brinson.

I have a very reliable source who clubs and drinks with all of the athletes that come through Orlando. He was all over the Tiger Woods issue and knew what all happened with Tiger prior to it being released publicly. My buddy has a place in Orlando, Lake Nona to be exact, and he lives among some athletes that live there in Orlando. Needless to say he golfs, drinks, and parties with some of the best people in central Florida. So when word got to him while at the bar last night, he called me. Word got out while drinking with friends, that Rashard Lewis slept with Lebrons girl while visiting South Beach. (Via Hello Beautiful)

Part of me wants to just rant* for days about how douchetastic that paragraph is, but we like to keep it succinct around here, so I’ll just say that as someone who lives in Orlando and knows plenty of guys like this, this “source” wears a fedora 24/7.

As for the actual meat of the allegation, I have a hard time believing that a girl would give up her Bentley for a Geo Prism. But if we wax hypothetical, maybe Bron is out there banging half the world and she just got fed up and said, “F*ck it.” And then she did. Either way, James’ career is now defined by two things – 1) Disappearing in the playoffs when he’s needed most and 2) People banging the girls in his life.

Would Michael Jordan let his teammates bang his mom or a washed up, overrated rival sleep with his girlfriend? Well, maybe if he lost a bet, but for other purposes, no.

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Who On Earth Is Bret Lockett?

Written by Ashley Burns / 06.09.11

In Touch magazine is “reporting” that New England Patriots “star” linebacker Bret Lockett is having an affair with Kim Kardashian, who recently said yes when New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries offered her the ring that E! bought. As an avid football fan, I can honestly say I’ve never heard of Lockett and I asked a few of my Pats friends and they had no clue who he is either. That’s because in two seasons since he was an undrafted free agent signed by the Cleveland Browns, he has 7 tackles. So yeah, In Touch, he’s a huge star.

A “friend” close to Lockett claims that he and Kardashian have had graphic sexting sessions recently even though she’s been dating Humphries, and if there’s one thing that we can all agree on it’s that a reality TV star whose rise to fame was instigated by the release of a sex tape that she made with an F-list rapper is always monogamous. The ladies at Jezebel did the dirty work of posting the alleged conversation between Lockett and Kardashian so I didn’t have to shame my family by opening an issue of In Touch. Brace yourselves, because it’s so hot that my pants melted.

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Avril Lavigne And The Famous Women Who Throw Like Girls

Written by Ashley Burns / 05.31.11

Ever since I was a young St. Louis Cardinals fan, and therefore generally regarded as a classier and more intelligent young baseball fan, I have gotten a kick out of the idea of having celebrities throw out a ceremonial first pitch. Watching male celebrities throw baseballs like they are battling through a lovebug swarm is an unparalleled joy for me, and no matter how many times some actor makes an ass out of himself in front of a crowd of thousands, teams keep inviting them and these celebrities keep answering the calls. (My joy turns to rage, though, when these same actors try to play baseball players in movies, because nobody wants to see Freddie Prinze, Jr. show off his 52-mph antics and pretend like he could score Jessica Biel.)

But while I enjoy watching the men make asses of themselves, it’s the opposite when the ladies take the mound (awesome sports porn film title, BTW). Take Avril Lavigne, for instance, as she threw out the first pitch as a Tampa Bay Rays game over the weekend, in case you didn’t read yet another outstanding installment of The Dugout below. Avril and her Hot Topic “riot grrl” demeanor became yet another sad example of the female celebrities who throw out a first pitch and go from cute to disappointing-but-still-bangable in just seconds. I don’t know how to describe it other than it’s like the first time you witness a girl fart.

Like I said, I don’t care if a guy makes an ass of himself, but with all those players readily available, does nobody step up and offer the ladies some assistance to at least make an effort? Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the standard for every girl. Some of them really pull it off, but others are just flat out DERPtastic, as you can see after the jump.

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Reggie Bush Would Like His Privacy

Written by Ashley Burns / 05.16.11

Of the things that New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush is famous for, perhaps the most notable is his past relationship with Kim Kardashian – a girl who is famous because she filmed herself having sex with Brandy’s brother – followed by that time he had to give his Heisman Trophy back for taking gifts in college and maybe that time he pushed Matt Leinart into the end zone. But mainly he’s known for being Ray Jay’s sloppy seconds and sending Kim on a wild roller coaster of dating professional athletes.

Now, though, Reggie is back in the dating game, as he has been romantically linked* to Rihanna, who is famous because she’s really talented, but also because Chris Brown punched her repeatedly. This is certainly a case of trading in a Honda Civic for a Bentley, if that Civic has a huge ass and equally talentless, nihilistic siblings.

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