We pick the winners of the weekend’s biggest matchups every Friday, using an irrefutable sports prediction process. Hey, the coin never lies! But it doesn’t really tell the truth, either. Meh. Home team in ALL CAPS.
Tonight: Fresno State over SAN JOSE STATE. It’s football, and it will be on when your drunken self staggers back from your regularly-scheduled evening of overindulgence.
Saturday: OHIO STATE over Michigan. It’s sad that the Wolverines could have brought a better team to what I would call the best rivalry you can find.
No. 19 CINCINNATI over No. 20 Pittsburgh. The Bearcats are for real, Miss Jackson. At least until Tennessee scoops up Brian Kelly and leaves the program in the dust yet again.
AIR FORCE over No. 15 TCU. Air Force won a game earlier this year without completing a single pass. Don’t expect a repeat of that this weekend, but it would be nice to see.
Sunday: TITANS over Jets. Tennessee is winning with defense and an old, addiction-riddled quarterback that has a track record of saying inappropriate things. The Jets only have one of those.
RAVENS over Eagles. Fairly nice regional matchup of feces-consuming fanbases here. These teams are only about two hours away from each other in terms of distance, but light-years apart in terms of competent clock management. Donovan McNabb will garner some satisfaction that his team will actually earn a loss instead of a tie.
CARDINALS over Giants. It’s not that I really like the home team here, it’s just that the horseshoe has to fall out for New York at some point. Kurt Warner can put a pretty little bow on his MVP campaign with a good showing here. Christian joke.
Once again, the site will be dark over the weekend, so we’ll be able to jump about 10 inches higher than usual.
What to watch for in this weekend’s biggest matchups. Home team in ALL CAPS.
SPRING TRAINING over Winter Meetings – Oooohhhh! Which Major League free agent will sign where? Oh wait. There’s football on. Try me again in March.
#4 FLORIDA over #25 South Carolina — Ah, the Spurrier Bowl. This is the only game between two ranked teams this weekend. Good day to go outside, get some fresh air, and head on over to the strip club.
LAKERS over Pistons – This is the late game on ESPN tonight. Can AI ruin the LA’s perfect record? I doubt it. Which means it will probably happen.
UFC 91 over Simpsons Re-Runs — I don’t know much more about UFC than what Vince tells me. I just like all the punching and choking and blood. Reminds me of home. Still too homoerotic for you? Then I suggest you look at more ring (sorry: octagon) girls like Arianny Celeste. Hey silly, that water totally missed your mouth! LOL!
Cowboys over REDSKINS — Romo and Witten return, but will likely be rusty. I have no idea why the ‘Boys should win. It just seems like the NFC East team with more to lose wins every divisional game. Not that I plan on backing that up with facts.
That’s it for the week. I’ll see you on Monday. Stay safe: wear a condom if you have sex with a stranger, wear a seatbelt if you drive, and wear gloves if you kill a hooker.
What to watch for in this weekend’s biggest matchups. Home team in ALL CAPS.
BACON over Fries — Frankly, I expected it to be a little closer. I bet that district’s gonna see some pork, huh? High five? (image from Holy Taco)
#1 Alabama over #16 LSU — If only the fans’ pure, blinding, scalding hatred were enough to win, then this would be a blowout for the home team. Still: Geaux Tigers.
#2 TEXAS TECH over #9 Oklahoma State — Logic tells me that this is a let-down game for the Red Raiders, but who am I to deny my illogical belief in a coach who loves pirates?
Girlhole over MAN CAVE — I respect that companies are getting sponsored links, but I’m still creeped out by the term “man cave.”
EAGLES over Giants — Angry Philly crowd. National TV. The Giants have been dominant, but I could see a hiccup this week.
Titans over BEARS — Assuming Grossman starts. Although it’s not like Kyle Orton should be seen as some kind of savior.
To close out the week, we pick the winners of the weekend’s biggest matchups. Home team in ALL CAPS.
Friday: OFFSEASON over Baseball Season. No more baseball highlights for at least…when does the next season begin? Three weeks from now?
Knicks over SIXERS: The Philly Curse is back on, and the Knicks roll to 2-0. Why? Because William Penn is still busy rolling cars on 12th Street. That’s why.
Saturday: Rangers over MAPLE LEAFS. If you find yourself next to a girl that likes hockey, just nonchalantly ask, “So, you think Lundqvist is the real deal?” That whooshing sound you’ll hear next will be her panties hitting the floor. I love hockey.
No 2. ALABAMA over Arkansas State. Jeez, Tide. Don’t hurt yourselves. Who’s next on your schedule? Team Germany?
No. 8 GEORGIA over No. 5 Florida. Tim Tebow will look to circumcize the Dawgs in The World’s Largest Cocktail Party. Hehe, I said ‘cock.’
No. 6 TEXAS TECH over No. 1 Texas. I slept on the Red Raiders last week. Not this time. After drubbing Kansas in their own homecoming game, Tech finally has a chance to pave their own way to the BCS. I say they cash it in.
What to watch for in this weekend’s biggest matchups. Home team in ALL CAPS.
DRUGS over Isiah Thomas? — Holy crap. More on this Monday.
(8) Texas Tech over (23) KANSAS — Or not. Hell, I don’t know. Punter’s been doing the picks the last couple weeks, and I like the way he actually knows stuff about college football. I should really just get a Labrador retriever to make the picks.
(1) TEXAS over (6) Oklahoma State –Given the way NCAA football has gone the last two years, now would be a good time for Texas to implode at home. But the Cowboys are still reeling from all of T. Boone Pickens’ donations evaporating in the mortgage crisis.
(13) LSU over (7) Georgia — Because why should anything in the SEC be easy?
Bolt Bus over CHINATOWN BUS — Wi-Fi and drivers that speak English. Now if only I could afford the train…
STEELERS over Giants — Santonio Holmes will be sitting the game out, but it’s not like he’s been doing much anyway. Offensive line or not, I still trust Roethlisberger more than Eli.
PATRIOTS over Rams — St. Louis has put together two straight unlikely wins over strong teams. Can they do it again? Um, no.
Rain over WORLD SERIES — Game 3 won’t be until Sunday night, and changing over to a football game won’t be an option. Sweet.
That’s all for this week. Have a safe and safe-sex filled weekend, and I’ll see you Monday. Not literally, though. I’m a total recluse.
This weekend’s biggest matchups. Home team in ALL CAPS.
Tonight: BOISE STATE over Hawaii. How could Hawaii let June Jones go? There’s a program in shambles, but with lovely scenery.
Saturday: RAYS over Red Sox. Meh. Those Boston fans will just transpose themselves directly to basketball season.
TEXAS A&M over Texas Tech. I love the Red Raider program, but they commit BCS suicide like clockwork every year. That train should come in…right about now.
MICHIGAN STATE over Ohio State. D’Antonio will have the healthier running back. He’ll also have the Buckeyes’ number in East Lansing.
TEXAS over Missouri. Colt McCoy needs to keep adding to his Heisman résumé, and taking down Chase Daniel’s team would be a nice reference for the Longhorn QB.
Sunday: CINCINNATI over Pittsburgh. You heard it here first.
HOUSTON over Detroit. Two in a row for an underrated Texans team that’s finally learned how to win.
GREEN BAY over Indy. Let’s see which quarterback looks most like Brett Favre.
We’re dark again this weekend. Is that why you won’t give us a job?
