Last night, as my beloved (when it’s convenient) St. Louis Blues were allowing the Los Angeles Kings to score two goals in the third period and even the series at 2-2 in the process, one of my favorite women in all of show business was not only attending that game, but she was also live-Tweeting the experience, as it was her first ever NHL game. That woman is Retta, who plays the wonderful Donna on Parks and Rec, and she was also the comedienne who delivered my favorite coverage for the 2012 Summer Olympics in Tweet form.

At that time, I pleaded with NBC through Twitter and telepathy to assign Retta to full-time Olympic coverage and now I’m asking the embattled home of my favorite TV show (Parks and Rec, obviously) to let her be an analyst for the rest of the NHL’s Stanley Cup Playoffs. I guarantee it would increase ratings by at least one person. That person being me. Hey, it beats the crap out of me making endless jokes about not knowing what channel the games are on.

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I’m not the kind of guy who likes to toot his own horn, because rib removal surgery isn’t something that is covered under my health insurance, but back in the day I was quite the mediocre little league baseball player. In fact, I received more than a few participation trophies, and they didn’t just give those babies out to anyone whose parents ponied up $70 for the uniform and league fees.

Anyway, there was one year that we had this a-hole coach – the kind of guy who’d start his son at every position before he’d give anyone else a chance (and I think his son was 5 years older than all of us) – and he’d always tell kids to lean into the pitch and take a bean ball on purpose if we had runners on. The joke was on him, because we were dorky little sissies, so we’d often scream and then run away, but it seems that his message may have gotten through to Chicago Cubs center fielder Julio Borbon, who reminded us yesterday that there’s flopping in baseball.

San Diego Padres reliever Luke Gregerson put a pitch in the dirt and while it clearly missed Borbon’s foot, the batter acted like he was Bear Grylls’ producer.

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At 3-5, the Chicago Cubs aren’t exactly already eliminated from the NL Central race, but apparently one Cubs fan decided that this season was over before it ever really even started. Yesterday around 2 p.m., a man pulled up to Wrigley Field in a truck and handed off a box to a security guard…

Haha, not so fast, Brad. He instructed the guard to deliver the box directly to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts. The box never made it to Ricketts, though, because that nosey security guard and his buddies opened it first and found…

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At 61-101, the Chicago Cubs amazingly weren’t the worst team in Major League Baseball last season. That honor went to the 55-107 Houston Astros, but since they are already on pace to finish this season 162-0, the With Leather Worst Team Watch is focused solely on the Cubbies for the time being. Wait, that’s not fair. Let’s throw the Miami Marlins, Colorado Rockies and Minnesota Twins in there, too, just so we have a little balance and wiggle room.

But team president Theo Epstein doesn’t want us counting the North Siders out just yet. And maybe, this blogger writes with a partially serious face, we should take the Cubs just a little more seriously this year. After all, people thought the ’67 Cubs would suck just like the 59-103 ’66 team did, and we all remember what happened with them right? Of course not, so remind us, Chicago Tribune.

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Last year, an enterprising Chicago Cubs fan started a new Twitter account to honor the audacity of St. Louis Cardinals fans (like classy and intelligent me) in believing that they are the “Best Fans in Baseball”. I know it had to be a Cubs fan (or possibly a bitter X-Factor viewer) behind that account because fans of all other teams love and respect the Cardinals and their fans for being so smart when it comes to baseball’s inner workings and appropriate in all ballpark behavior.

Appropriately called “Baseball’s Best Fans”, this account simply retweets butthurt Cardinals fans who don’t like decisions made by the organization or plays on the field, and it’s all glorious. But the hurt is on the other butt now, Cubs fans, as someone has created the Twitter account “Cubs Facebook” which Tweets out actual comments from the official Cubs Facebook page. Even better, this Twitter is also run by a Cubs fan, with the battle cry:

Actual comments found on the Cubs Facebook page. This account is run by Cubs fans. We’re so sorry.

Naturally, we can appreciate how they haven’t all lost every shred of their sanity. And what better time to showcase such an account than right after Cubbies faithful lost their sh*t yesterday as the Tony Campana trade news broke. That’s right, Cubs fans are outraged that Tony “Hey, At Least He Runs Fast” Campana was traded.

Thank God for social media.

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Last we checked in on former Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa, he allowed me to absolutely, 100% legitimately spend two days with him and his new public relations team, as they are trying to attempt to rebuild his image with the hopes of getting him back into the good graces of the incredibly evil Baseball Writers Association of America. Basically, it seems that Sosa wants to get his baseball skeletons sorted out and atone for his sins so he can move on with his life. After all, baseball was very good to him.

Sosa has been opening up a little more since those incredible Flickr and Pinterest photos kicked open the gates of our hearts, and it seems that not only is he intent on being voted into the Hall of Fame, but he also apparently wants the Cubs to accept him back and retire his number. At the very least, though, he doesn’t want to come off as desperate, hence the new image makeover and some very meticulously worded quotes.

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