My favorite part of NMA World Edition’s recap of the rising violence in the NHL Playoffs should be players drowning each other, morphing into literal devils and damage-dealing penguins (!) or attacking one another with rocket shoes, but it isn’t — it’s the fact that I guess Taiwanese animation doesn’t have a pre-rendered hockey helmet in their clip art so they just gave everybody motorcycle helmets. That’s amazing.

So yeah, here’s the blood and guts report from our favorite, barely-talented journalistic savants. Come for the fans high-fiving each other for getting hit with body parts, stay for the child-on-child violence.

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If I’d been smart, I would’ve saved the awkward Arsenal Wishes You A Merry Christmas video and paired it up with this clip of the Chicago Blackhawks making goodhearted, ironic fools of themselves for a holiday-themed white folks in Christmas sweaters Friday Face-Off. Come to think of it, I could’ve done that with the Andy Roddick rapping The Humpty Dance in a Christmas sweater video too. We really think sweaters are awesome, don’t we?

Regardless, the Blackhawks win. As Sportress Of Blogitude points out, “You might think there’s no such thing as — John Scott” is the best imaginable Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer NHL parody song line, plus you’ve got kids throwing around wrapping paper in slow motion. They would’ve beaten anybody I put them against, except maybe that baby polar bear.

I’d ask the Caps to do something similar, but I know it’d be disappointing.

[h/t to Puck Daddy]

The adjective the announcers use to describe this goal is Datsyukian (“of or relating to Pavel Datsyuk”), but to me it was absolutely Isaiah Riderian. Watch in amazement as Detroit Red Winger Todd Bertuzzi grabs the Blackhawks goaltender by the jersey and literally punches him in the back of the head with a between-the-legs shootout goal torn from the pages of the latest Research and Development camp highlight video.

Harrison Mooney of Puck Daddy gives us the play-by-play:

It’s the threat of [Tampa Bay Lightning's] Marek Malik’s world-renowned between-the-legs shootout goal that causes goaltender Alexander Salak to cheat to his right. Once he does, Bertuzzi passes the puck forward to himself, then flips the puck up over Salak’s left pad instead.

The NHL season hasn’t even started yet, and we already have a contender for best shootout goal. It’s going to be a fun year.

Say what you will about Bertuzzi (and you will), but it’s a hell of a goal.

Compare and contrast:

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Over the summer we’ve shared a video of Dwyane Wade losing a game of Knockout and multiple examples of LeBron James having no idea how to interact with sports children. Chicago Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews takes a different approach — instead of losing to camp kids on purpose or getting lost in the moment, Toews notices a kid who isn’t keeping his head up and (pretty clearly) purposefully deposits him on his ass. If that picture of him with the beer bong didn’t clue you in, this guy is a role model.

The best part is Toews going “you aight, buddy??” as the kid picks huge chunks of ice out of his face and goes AW-HAW HAWW, because he’s hurt and can’t articulate his actual thoughts, which are “no I’m not f**king all right, buddy, you shouldered me in my face and I AM TEN”. Second best part is the guy doing the voice over. They cut away from the cut before he gets up, and the announcer is all “he should be able to attend camp in a few days”. Yes, once he’s recovered from a broken neck and bought a new pair of underwear.

Third best part is watching it again. Haha, man, that little guy got drilled.

[h/t Puck Daddy]

The American Mustache Institute has announced its list of 19 finalists for this year’s Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year. Sadly, your elementary school lunch lady once again missed the cut. But the sporting world has some well-known names up for this fuzzy honor, including Minnesota Twins pitcher Carl Pavano, Sacramento mayor and former Phoenix Suns guard Kevin Johnson, Chicago Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville, Major League Baseball umpire Jim Joyce, and the UTEP Miners mascot, Paydirt Pete. Pete is also a nominee for the New Face of NAMBLA competition.

The AMI Goulet awards are not a contest of the greatest mustache, but rather the celebration of the person who best represents mustached Americans. You know, if you put it that way, I have to put my vote with Carl Pavano. Think about it – he took fat paychecks from a large American company to rarely show up for work, was eventually let go, and now he collects paychecks from a smaller American company just to spend the rest of his days on easy street. *wipes away single tear* That’s a gosh-darned American right there.

Rest of the fur-lipped nominees after the jump:

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While I find the ritual of marriage to be generally positive and beneficial to the advancement of mankind, I generally think weddings are stupid, overpriced and just offensive…just like Joey Harrington. But he can play the piano! Great. Call me when he learns to play quarterback.

Anyway, this video from Chez Wyshynski reveals a fun little moment between the best man and the maid of honor (I would have guessed “matron of honor;” the short hairstyle is a raging clue) who decided that just walking into a room and waving to their friends and family wasn’t good enough for them. No, they had to put on hockey jerseys and pantomime a little do-si-do in Blackhawks and Red Wings sweaters. And of course the guy lost. Get used to it, guy. Your wedding will be coming soon enough.

I can make that joke because I’m already stuck doing the dishes this week. That has me wondering, if the Stanley Cup did fit into a dishwasher, would it be dishwasher safe? Whatever, just watch the video. Read the rest of this entry »