I OFFICIALLY SAY THE “R” WORD

… retarded?

RETIREMENT – THERE I SAID IT

ANTHONY “SPICE” ADAMS – NFL FREE AGENT

And so begins the epic retirement announcement video from nine-year NFL veteran a defensive tackle Anthony Adams. If every pro athlete retired like this, the world would be a happier place. Highlights include an announcement dinner at a White Castle, an incredible shirt that links exercise to bacon, and that adorable little girl being interviewed. Oh, and a well-timed job application.

If you only watch one video of an ex-football player being depressed in a fast food restaurant today, make it this one.

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We miss you, J-Cutty.

We’re going to get into this more in-depth tomorrow in the With Leather Fantasy Football Support Group, but it’s just remarkable to me how many high profile players were injured in the past two weeks. Tonight’s a perfect example, too, as both the Chicago Bears and San Francisco 49ers will face off on Monday Night Football without their starting quarterbacks. Obviously, that’s bad news for the Bears, as Jay Cutler had been just Dilferesque enough to support the Bears’ amazing defense.

But it might be good news for the 49ers. Nothing against the equally Dilferian Alex Smith, but I’m sure there are some fist-pumping San Fran fans out there. You don’t have to celebrate your QB’s injury, but it’s okay if you say something like, “Hey, at least we’re not stuck with Jason Campbell.”

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Chicago Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall, while controversial and an all-around enigma to most NFL fans, will always be one of my favorite football players, because I was fortunate enough to cover his college career at the University of Central Florida. He was a goofball then and hardly the headache that he’d later become, so I’ve always been able to laugh off the majority of his antics. You know, as long as they didn’t involve domestic violence charges and whatnot.

Unlike some former UCF players – *cough, Atari Bigby, cough* – B-Marsh still shows plenty of love for his alma mater, where his four-year career culminated in an incredible 2005 Hawaii Bowl performance that earned him MVP honors, despite Matt Prater shanking an extra point to cost UCF the game. That leads us to this morning’s Tweets from Marshall, which included the above picture of a package he received from the UCF athletics department.

After he opened the package, Marshall Tweeted another picture of the new UCF gear that he received. Oh, and there’s totally a naked dude’s ass in the picture, too. NSFW after the jump, if you dare.

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First the newsy part – with very little surprise, former reality TV star and current girl who had a son with Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari, has “opened her home” to People Magazine, which is a very pleasant way of saying that she sold the first photos of her son, Camden Jack, to the popular celebrity magazine. And there he is above… wait a second, is that baby smiling? Yo, someone get Maury Povich on line 1, because I think we have a serious paternity test issue here. The fact that this kid didn’t pop out of the womb with two middle fingers in the air already has me concerned enough.

And now the fun part. Yesterday, my cool cousin with a sleeveless letterman jacket, Christmas Ape, posted one of the greater J-Cutty stories that we’ve heard in quite some time, and I don’t care if it’s an urban legend or not, because it just has to be true. In fact, if you go back and watch the highlights of him throwing four interceptions against the Green Bay Packers, and imagine him yelling, “DOOOONNNNNN’T CAAAAAAAAARE” after each one, well, it’s amazing.

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Week 2 of the NFL season and we already have a Thursday night game. I’m not ready for this yet. I’m not ready for the stress of choosing which bench player to drop so I can pick up the Raiders defense so I don’t have to play the Bears against the Packers tonight. My bench is solid and I don’t want to drop Kendall Hunter or Santana Moss yet. I hate myself for choosing the Bears when I knew that I’d have to worry about Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. Twice.

Oh well, at least we have an NFL game and two college games tonight. That’s why I love America. Do you know what the contributor for the North Korea sports blog “With Olive Drab” is watching tonight? Probably just highlights of Kim Jong-Il waving to people. Let’s be thankful for what we have.

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As I perused the sports news this morning, I noticed a few things. For starters, a bunch of running backs had awesome games, which sucks for a guy like me who wants to sell high on Kevin Smith and Alfred Morris. Second, Jon Hamm is still my favorite St. Louis Cardinals fan and he’s packing heat. Third, Rihanna apparently performed at the closing ceremony of the 2012 Paralympics in London and she got a massive tattoo under her boobies. Needless to say, a lot of stuff happened.

But my two favorite moments of NFL Sunday came as a result of someone else’s misfortune, and if there’s one thing that I’ve learned from my friends with kids, it’s that I love watching people fall down or be humiliated. In the case of Cleveland Browns quarterback Brandon Weeden, well, he probably wishes that he stayed in bed yesterday.

As you can see in the above GIF (via) and the video below, the rookie QB got off to a rough start during the pregame ceremony as Weeden was almost trampled by soldiers carrying the giant American flag across the field.

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