On Saturday, more than 450 competing comrades took to the Vuoksa River in Losevo, Leningrad Oblast – what, you’ve never been before? Oh it’s great, there’s a farmer’s market every Saturday morning. It’s where I get my toilet paper and vodka. But this past Saturday marked the 8th annual running of the dolls, of the sex variety, as men and women ages 16 and up borrowed or purchased the finest inflatable sex dolls from local sex shops and raced down the river.

Participants in the Bubble Baba Challenge did their best to float to a three-minute finish (Ed. – Show offs), and when the waves and latex settled, Vladislav Pavlenko was the champion with his female watercraft, “Vanilla Pelotki,” while Vera Tatosyan had the best time of the women with “Yosya.” Other sex doll names included: “Unstoppable Chick,” “Cuddly Female Racoon [sic],” “Big Tit Excess,” “Sexual Goddess,” “Roach,” “Miss Peep,” “School Girl,” “Indefatiguable” and “Luba For A Price.” And next year I will introduce my own floating lady, “USS Stokke.”

In Russia, the dolls sex you, St. Petersburg Times:

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Maria Sharapova apparently does more than play tennis, wear bikinis, and shoot commercials. She also sends me dirty text messages donated $100,000 to eight Chernobyl recovery projects and was named a Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations Development Programs.

"My first step is to focus on the Chernobyl-affected region, where my family has roots," Sharapova said Wednesday during a ceremony at the United Nations. "Today, it is poverty and lack of opportunities that pose the greatest threat for young people in the Chernobyl region."

This may or may not be more than what I was doing when I was 19. Like, I could have done something important on a global scale in between beer pong tournaments and 40s nights, and just not remember. Happens to Ted Kennedy all the time.

Bonus points for Maria if she showed up to the UN wearing this.