Click the link to make the picture bigger. She isn’t wearing pants! Just kidding, I’m a greeting card writer by day and YOU’VE JUST SIGNED UP FOR FREE FANTASY FOOTBALL THROUGH DRAFTSTREET. Enjoy winning $250, sucker!

But no, seriously, every month now we give you a chance to win a little cash from these guys, and if you aren’t playing along with us each time, you should be. Draftstreet literally gives you cash money just to know about them, and they give you a fun little salary cap micro-managing game that takes a few seconds and could win you more than I make all day. If you like football, fantasy sports, or our UPROXX© brand webpage, help us out. The explanation blurb:

The game happens this weekend, and it’s going to work a lot like our baseball games; you’ll sign up (for free, again, I’m not going to make you pay for anything) and pick your team, choosing two QBs, two WR, two RB and so on until you’ve exhausted your salary cap, and the team with the best performance in this Sunday’s games wins money. So do the next five top teams. That’s right, we’re paying out to the top 6 teams from a $250 cash pool.

And as an added bonus, you get to tell your friends how badly you murdered me. Seriously, I have Colt McCoy on my team. What am I thinking? The game starts on 10/16 and includes Monday night, so sign-up, log in and get your team ready. Let me know who you pick and why in the comments section, so I can finish in the top 100 (at least) next time.

Unless you want this Godless thing tearing through your cheerleader dreams to haunt your nightmares you’ll sign up for our free fantasy football game through Draftstreet.com. I don’t really know what one thing has to do with the other, but I’m no theologian, and I’m going to threaten you with it anyway.

If free money for doing almost nothing isn’t enough (it is seriously free money, why aren’t you doing this) I’m playing, and I challenge you — yes, challenge you — to defeat me. My newfound Texans fan powers will lead my running back, Arian Foster, to 400 carries for over 8,000 yards this week. Hopefully that’ll make up for my quarterback, because I used all my money on Foster and ended up drafting Jake Plummer. Whoops!

Our Explanation Blurb™, in case you haven’t read it:

The game happens this weekend, and it’s going to work a lot like our baseball games; you’ll sign up (for free, again, I’m not going to make you pay for anything) and pick your team, choosing two QBs, two WR, two RB and so on until you’ve exhausted your salary cap, and the team with the best performance in this Sunday’s games wins money. So do the next five top teams. That’s right, we’re paying out to the top 6 teams from a $250 cash pool.

It’s easy as hell, and I drafted my team in about 40 seconds before posting this. Uh, maybe that’s why I never win. But I still could win, and that’s awesome. The game happens on 10/16 and includes the Monday game, so go ahead and do this immediately. And remember, participation gets you

1. Free money
2. No Spongebob nightmares
3. The ability to laugh at me thinking Jake Plummer still plays football
4. Fame and fortune (on the Internet)

Do you like football? Do you like beautiful women? Then play the latest installment of our free fantasy football game through DraftStreet and prove it. I don’t believe you like either thing until you play this.

We’ve done a couple of freerolls already this season, cementing me as one of the worst fantasy football players of all time — in the first game I finished 72nd overall, and in the second I finished a number so high I’m unable to count it. I’m sure to make up for it with this week’s team, where I draft Peyton Manning, Andre Johnson, Mario Williams and James Harrison.

Here’s how it works:

The game happens this weekend, and it’s going to work a lot like our baseball games; you’ll sign up (for free, again, I’m not going to make you pay for anything) and pick your team, choosing two QBs, two WR, two RB and so on until you’ve exhausted your salary cap, and the team with the best performance in this Sunday’s games wins money. So do the next five top teams. That’s right, we’re paying out to the top 6 teams from a $250 cash pool.

Sign up, tell your friends, tell your girlfriends, get your parents to sign up and try to win them some money. Christmas is coming up, and you can buy a lot of presents with a big chunk of $250. My birthday is coming up too (in January), and apparently I could really use a book about who is and isn’t good at football.

Sports

The Drew League Vs. Goodman League Game: Only The Highlights - I feel like sub-NBA basketball leagues (or “directly-to-the-right-of the NBA leagues”, I don’t really know how they’re organized) might be the most fun thing ever. It’s just guys dunking and people going OHHHHHHHH. It’s like how video games want basketball to be. [The Smoking Section]

Knockout Of The Week: Flying Switch Kick - The only way this could be better is if Marcus Lelo Aurelios had set his leg on fire before doing it. I want to start knocking out strangers like this. Just yell FLYING SWITCH KICK BOOM and lay them out. [Cage Potato]

Vegetarian Pig Slop And Heat Wave Rasslin - In case you missed it yesterday, here’s my recap of Anarchy Championship Wrestling’s Sunday show featuring the Portia Perez reference you didn’t get in the Best and Worst of Raw. If you like Best and Worst, read this, because it is almost exclusively “best”. [The Wrestling Blog]

This Is The Trailer For The Postmortal - Drew Magary is doing it right. I published a novel a few years ago and it was a weird little aside to growing up in religious central Virginia. Drew writes something and it’s a “frightening population-bomb dystopia”. Holy sh**, how do I get somebody to call my writing that? [KSK]

With Leather

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/22 - Quick version: John Cena might actually be gay, Kelly Kelly is wandering around out here for no reason and WWE is exactly like Dragonball Z. Okay, that version is actually way more confusing than the long one. Anyway, go read this and comment, would you? [With Spandex]

Gallery: The Homeless World Cup - I’m with Burnsy, the Homeless World Cup doesn’t look very homeless. I want to be homeless in Paris, that sounds awesome. Look at me, I’m a romanticized young white adult! [With Leather]

The Dugout: SFinal Destination - Yesterday we finished up Bill Hanstock’s special guest writer Dugout series about the San Francisco Giants and their penchant for going on the DL, so give the strip a re-read in its entirety. Yes, Jorge Posada’s screen name is pretty awesome. [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

Gallery: Wet Cheerleaders - I’m just going to stop putting “Joe Namath” in the title so you’ll go look at it. There are wet volleyball cheerleader butts in this, in case you haven’t looked. [With Leather]

Not Sports

This Is A Triumph: Live-Action Portal Short Film - I’m making a note here: huge success. It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction. Although if this was a REAL Portal movie, Chell would be played by an orange, blonde 40-year old and GLaDOS would be a manipulative dude in a suit. [Gamma Squad]

Will And Jada Are Getting Divorced - When reached for comment, Will Smith asked “why she ain’t want me, man”. [Film Drunk]

Bret Michaels And Donald Trump May Team Up For Reality Show - It’s like going to your comic book store and finding out there’s a new Marvel Team-Up, but it’s like Cloak and Dagger and one of the New Warriors. And not even Nova, I’m talking Night Thrasher. [Warming Glow]

OK Go Cover “The Muppet Show” Theme - OK Go is a cool website that adds forgettable music to wacky viral videos. Wait, that’s not what this is? [UPROXX]

"Get the hoses ready!"

For all the time that we spend criticizing athletes for the way they use Twitter, we don’t commend them nearly enough. Case in point, during last night’s 27-7 thrashing of the Cincinnati Bengals, New York Jets legend Joe Namath took time away from supporting his team to point out how nice it is when rain makes contact with the skin of cheerleaders. Tweeted Namath:

First of all, I feel like a complete boob for not knowing that Namath had a Twitter account. But at the same time I am disappointed that I haven’t heard more controversy stemming from his account. We all have to start somewhere, though, and thankfully now I know. And is there controversy over this Tweet? Of course there is.

Why, the New York Post is just flabbergasted by this atrocity.

Read the rest of this entry »

Rick Chandler of Off the Bench posted a note on Friday about Phyllis from “The Office” being a former NFL cheerleader, citing a story from years ago on Deadspin.

The actress who plays Phyllis is named Phyllis Smith, and she’s got a fun piece of trivia: She’s a former cheerleader for The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona St. Louis Cardinals. She was a dancer in the mid-80s, a cheerleader and burlesque performer, before she blew out her knee and became a receptionist for casting agencies. That ended up with her, by chance, being cast on “The Office” and becoming the most famous former Buzzsaw cheerleader we know.

Neither story featured any photographic evidence, so it was one of those things that boiled down to “huh”, and you prepared to move on from it with something to nudge people and say should The Office come up in conversation. Well, “pics or it didn’t happen” is now happy to take a back seat to “holy sh** that is phyllis from the office as an nfl cheerleader”.

The pic comes from St. Louis radio station Y98, who conducted an interview with the Bad Teacher star and delivered the goods. It’s a sort of heartwarming reminder of what cheerleaders used to be back in the day, when it was about dancing and having fun and not so much about doing that little hand waggle to move your pom pom while you squat in hot pants.

So with Mose Schrute turning out to be a prominent sports blogger and Phyllis having been a pro cheerleader, what’s next? Did Toby Flenderson compete in the ’96 Olympics? Was Bob Vance the original Ronald McDonald? Come on, out with it.

Edit: So the picture Y98 used is from Sports Illustrated from the long long ago. Thanks to Otto Man (with appropriate quotation marks) for pointing it out. Regardless, hey, she was supposedly a cheerleader, and if you didn’t read Deadspin like six years ago, consider it news.