Seems like quite the prophetic photoshop now.

Cristiano Ronaldo is a world class athlete who is immensely wealthy and considered to be one of the most attractive men on the planet by women everywhere. So it’s no shocker that the Real Madrid superstar has once again found himself at the center of the tabloid gossip universe, this time amid rumors that he cheated on his girlfriend of three years, supermodel Irina Shayk.

At the center of this controversy, though, is an old friend of ours – Miss Bum Bum Brasil 2012 runner-up Andressa Urach. The same runner-up who spent the week after last year’s pageant on a boat, hooking up with the winner, Carine Felizardo. And now Urach claims that Ronaldo is “obsessed” with that runner-up butt, enough that they recently had sex in a hotel on the night before Real Madrid’s 4-1 UEFA Champions League semifinals loss to Borussia Dortmund.

But Ronaldo denies that it ever happened, according to a super serious Twitter statement.

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"Yo I said best of 9."

Hey, remember when Georges St-Pierre defeated Nick Diaz at UFC 158 by unanimous decision after he spent five rounds dropping Stockton’s finest on the ground and completely eliminating his ability to box? And remember how, after all of the horrible things that GSP and Diaz had been saying about each other leading up to the fight, GSP and Diaz were like, “Yeah, that was all fake and we really respect each other”? Oh, and remember how Diaz was also like, “I’m probably going to jail because I don’t pay taxes, so I’m going to retire”?

Well, go ahead and forget everything except for that first part, because Diaz isn’t retiring and his team is back to crapping all over GSP, because they think that St-Pierre either needs to forfeit his belt an cough up part of his PPV purse or Dana White and the UFC need to schedule a rematch. Oh Nick Diaz, you can’t ever leave us.

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Prior to this week, the most I’d ever known about anything involving deer came down to: 1) Venison is delicious as long as I convince myself it’s not Bambi and 2) You can buy deer piss in hunting stores. The latter, I’m sure, is common knowledge, but I learned about bottled deer urine in high school, when I thought it would be hilarious to buy two bottles and pour them out in my classrooms. Needless to say, I didn’t have many friends.

But this week the big buzz for the ignorant types like me involves deer antler spray, which apparently possesses some performance-enhancing drug-like qualities. That’s why some people are accusing Ray Lewis of using such a spray to boost his recovery time from his torn triceps injury earlier this season. Of course, Lewis has denied that he would ever consider using a PED to help make sure that he wouldn’t miss the remaining games of his final season, and the whole thing has him agitated to all heck. Heck, I say!

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Stop me if you’ve heard this one before – a lady walks into a bar and she hates Lance Armstrong because she’s married to his former teammate and they both think he’s a lying dick. Wait, I don’t think I told that punchline correctly. Either way, Armstrong’s whistleblower, Betsy Andreu, is back in the news because she wants more attention believes that the shamed Tour de France champion is going to use tonight’s interview with Oprah Winfrey to sway public opinion back in his favor. Because when Oprah’s minge speaks, we listen.

However, Andreu – wife of Armstrong’s former teammate and close friend, Frankie Andreu – is really feeling the need to point out the obvious.

“I do not think he will ever fully admit or take responsibility for his drug taking,” the wife of Armstrong’s former teammate and one-time friend, Frankie Andreu, told Celebuzz in an exclusive interview.

“Going on Oprah is just a way to win public sympathy for him… I think it will be more crocodile tears from Lance – he chose Oprah because she is not known for hard hitting interviews.

“My husband and I just want him to go away.” (Via Celebuzz)

Apparently they want him to go away to prison, because Betsy also added that she believes that Armstrong is deserving of a full criminal investigation. And she might be on to something here, because if Armstrong admits to Oprah and her army of Bon Bon couch warriors that he used performance-enhancing drugs as he is expected to do, he could be facing all sorts of heck. Heck, I say!

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In case you haven’t been paying attention, it’s been a rather rough month for 7-time Tour de France champion first guy to finish, Lance Armstrong, as the International Cycling Union has basically demonized the poor bastard and forever branded him a cheater. Armstrong, of course, “gave up” his fight against the UCI and U.S. Anti-Doping Agency after a supposed wealth of evidence exposed him for using performance-enhancing drugs during his career as the greatest American cyclist to ever squeeze his balls into skin-tight shorts.

Now, Armstrong is officially walking away from the one organization that has been his saving grace to the people who still call themselves fans – Livestrong. After stepping down as the cancer philanthropy’s chairman, Armstrong has now entirely resigned from the board in order to save it from any further embarrassment. But don’t worry, he is gone but unforgotten.

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"Yeah, this cologne really works."

Alex Rodriguez made $29 million this season. He’ll make $28 million next season, $25 million in 2014, $21 million in 2015, $20 million in 2016 and another $20 million in 2017. This is important to note, because if you share those numbers with any New York Yankees fans right now, they might stab you, so maybe keep this info between us. Their rage, of course, stems from the fact that the Bronx Bombers are down 0-2 to the Detroit Tigers in the ALCS and the man with the largest contract in baseball history flat out sucks.

And if Yankees fans were upset with A-Rod before, I can’t even imagine how they feel now, as the New York Post has revealed that after he was benched in the 8th inning of Game 1 on Saturday night, A-Rod was hitting on women in the stands. Rodriguez spotted the girls, wrote a note on a ball and had the ball boy give it to them, all while his teammates were doing the heavy lifting for a 9th-inning comeback.

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