The big horse racing event of the weekend was clearly the 28th Breeders Cup Turf at Churchill Downs and its $26 million purse on Saturday, as 18-year old Joseph O’Brien, riding St. Nicholas Abbey, became the youngest jockey to win the event. And while that’s all fine and dandy if you’re a fan of Irish horses, the real horse racing fun began last Thursday in Australia with the Crown Oaks race during Oaks Day. I mean, as if I even had to tell you that.

The race was a “star”-studded affair with celebrities like Elizabeth Hurley, Joan Collins, some girl named Ruby Rose, former Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins, and a slew of other people I’ve never heard of showing up to watch horses run in a circle. But the brightest star of the bunch was Sarah Jessica Parker, who was in the country/continent to promote her new, incredibly aptly-titled film, I Don’t Know How She Does It. Parker looked fantastic as she waved to the crowd and posed for pictures with the winning jockey, Danny Nikolic. However, there was a brief scare when she tripped on the track and medical personnel attempted to put her down.

(Images via Getty.)

I honestly cannot remember the last time somebody not wearing a clown suit pied somebody in the face and it was actually funny. My only quandry here is whether ESPN NFL analyst Mark Schlereth deserves special distinction as a “clown.” But really, wouldn’t it be easier to just snap him with a towel, hide his car keys, or just pin him down with a couple friends in the cafeteria and stick a gravy ladle where the sun doesn’t shine? And HOW DARE HE let Chris McKendry walk into the studio unscathed. This never would have happened if Emmitt Smith was still there. via.

"Laettner" might not seem like a Polish name, but the board decided that he'd swallowed enough of Mike Krzyzewski's vowel-deprived DNA to qualify as Polish-American.  Oh, and don't worry about my false allegations of gay sex amongst the Duke basketball team — Laettner never left his apartment without a handful of spicy condoms.

In order to make his bust for the museum, Laettner's head and shoulders will be lowered into a vat of molten bronze.  The resulting statue will be placed next to other sporting greats of Polish descent, such as the guy who invented ice hockey cleats.

[10,000 Takes]