If you want to see the exact moment my heart begins to swell, this is it.

Pre-show notes:

- Another huge thanks to Dennis Haskins, Action Bronson, Derrick Bateman and the over 6,000 comments that made our Raw 1000 Open Discussion Thread the most populated and commented-upon UPROXX thread ever. If you want to spend the next two hours laughing, go skim through that. I could’ve included 200 top comments.

- Before you read the Raw 1000 report, be sure you’ve read The Best And Worst Of WWF Monday Night Raw, Episode 1. The Executioners show up in it, and they’re pretty great.

- Thanks as always to Casey of Hammerlock Dialectic for gifs.

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather, follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and like us on Facebook.

And now, the Best and Worst Of Raw 1000 (July 23, 2012), lovingly presented by Tout.com.

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A ton of stuff happens in the sports world each week and there are only two of us here to try to scoop up as much as we can and shove into all into your eyeballs like an ocular smoothie of awesome. So of course we’re bound to miss a few things here or there. For instance, did you know former WWE diva and current George Clooney love interest Stacy Keibler went golfing on her vacation from standing still and looking hot? See, this is the kind of stuff we shouldn’t be missing out on.

Thankfully, I keep a few hundred folders of random sports photos on my computer to cover up my incredible collection of adult anime stills, and I figured that we could clear a few of them out with this new weekly feature, the Wednesday Wild Card. Today we’ll pay a visit to New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and see what he did to prepare for his loss to the New York Giants, while David Beckham signs some autographs, Kim Kardashian and Matt Millen cry, and the World Series of Poker pays out again.

Please hold your applause until the end.

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Links

Steve-O Breaks His Nose On Mike Tyson’s Fist - Any time I get confused about why people are so weird and confrontational about vegans, I remember that Steve-O AND Mike Tyson are vegan. Thanks for giving the haters a good reason, guys. [FARK]

David D.’s 25 Favorite Wrestling Matches Of All Time - If I’d known this could be an UPROXX feature I would’ve been doing one a day since I got hired. Totally doing a follow-up to this on Monday, if I can figure out how to get rid of all the Chris Benoit matches. [Smoking Section]

Eight Chapters in the Origin Story of Brad Pitt - Movieball is in theaters today, were you aware? [Moviefone]

The UPROXX Guide To Television’s 20 Most Lethal Show Killers - Summer Glau didn’t kill “Firefly”, Nathan Fillion’s accent did. It’s why I didn’t watch the show until earlier this year. Buffy season 7 was that bad. (p.s. Firefly is f**king great) [UPROXX]

Graphic Designer Dad Gives His Daughter An Ewok Adventure - Mean Girls-style Cool Moms are the worst, but This-style Cool Dads are the best. [Gamma Squad]

ABC to Make Nicholas Sparks Romance Porn - I’m glad they at least waited until Peter Falk was dead to make a sh*tty TV adaptation of Wings Of Desire. Can’t wait for werewolves to show up. [Warming Glow]

Abduction is getting Bucky Larson’d - In a better world, “Bucky Larson” will continue to be a verb describing a unanimous hatred of something. [Film Drunk]

The 10 Definitive Ron Swanson GIFs - I can’t tell you how happy I am that this show is back on TV. And why did Rob Lowe decide to grow his hair like mine? My hair looks terrible. [UPROXX]

18 Products Just As “Offensive” As Schweddy Balls Ice Cream - I haven’t clicked this yet, but I hope “Nut-N-Honey” made the list. [Buzzfeed]

Katie Holmes is the Slutty Pumpkin on ‘How I Met Your Mother’ - Does anything ever actually happen on this show? In my mind it’s just people walking onto bar or living room sets repeatedly while a studio audience laughs. [AOL TV]

Great Cast! Terrible Movie! 10 Awful Movies Despite the Awesome Talent Involved - Slackers, I’m looking in your direction. A movie with Max from Rushmore, Jason Segel, Big Pete from Pete and Pete and a James King/Laura Prepon lesbian kiss and somehow it’s still the biggest piece of sh*t I’ve ever seen. [Pajiba]

Sorry, I should have mentioned this one is a visual game.

My buddy brought this to my attention late last night as I was writing my review of the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen for our mother site, Uproxx, so I don’t know if this is a common knowledge thing since the last time I pulled up a NHL player’s profile it was practice making out with a picture of Manon Rheaume. But I thought it was pretty funny. Well played, Yahoo!.

So how about some links?

Yup, That’s A Burn: The Very Best Jokes From Comedy Central’s Celebrity
Roasts |UPROXX|

Best and Worst of the 2011 Emmys |Warming Glow|

Get Your Very Own Ol’ Dirty Bastard Food Stamp Card |Smoking Section|

Kenny F’n Powers Will Use The Force All Up In This B |Gamma Squad|

James Franco to Direct Cormac McCarthy Necrophilia Story |Film Drunk|

The Best And Worst Of WWE Night Of Champions 2011 |With Leather|

The Best of #Troy Barnes |UPROXX|

Minimal Movie Posters Are All The Rage These Days |UPROXX|

Reports of Gordon Ramsay’s Porn Dwarf Being Eaten by Badgers Have Been
Greatly Exaggerated |Film Drunk|

Many Television Stars Are Attractive |Warming Glow|

“Suck For Luck” NFL Power Rankings: Week 2 |With Leather|

Own A Handcrafted ED-E From ‘Fallout: New Vegas’ |Gamma Squad|

Casey Veggies Feat. Feat. C-San, Dom Kennedy & Kendrick Lamar – “Ridin’
Roun Town (Remix)” |Smoking Section|

10 Things Apple Is Worth More Than |Buzzfeed|

The long awaited “National Lampoon Canadian Vacation” starring Randy
Quaid and Dog the Bounty Hunter is finally underway |FARK|

Evangeline Lilly Worried She’ll be a ‘Black Mark’ in ‘The Hobbit’ |Moviefone|

The 10 Least Promising Shows for Fall |AOL
TV|

9 Best Web Contents of the Week |Adult Swim|

7 Great Franchises That Never Got a Decent Video Game |The
Smoking Jacket|

The 28 Most Dominating Emmy Winners of All Time |Pajiba|

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The above image is an ESPN illustration from a Page 2 piece called “Charlie Sheen vs. Mike Tyson quote quiz”. Or “What If Mike Tyson Were White?”, I can’t remember.

Sheen once shot Kelly Preston in the arm with a revolver and enjoyed a 20-plus year career despite beating up more than one woman. Mike Tyson liked to drag his wife down the hallway by her hair and was convicted of rape. Now, the hilarious star of The Hangover is set to skewer America’s irrepressible bad boy in “The Roast of Charlie Sheen”! Because this is how the world should work!

From TMZ:

Cocaine … hangovers … and mug shots — Mike Tyson and Charlie Sheen are a match made in Comedy Central Roast heaven … and TMZ has learned Iron Mike is officially on board to skewer the Warlock next month.

Sources heavily involved with the Roast tell us … Mike will be on the dais on September 10 … along with Steve-O from “Jackass” … comic Anthony Jeselnik and Roast legend Jeff Ross.

I guess my first question is, “when did Jeff Ross become a ‘Roast legend’?” Doing something doesn’t really make you a legend at it. Second question, how sad is it when comic Anthony Jeselnik is the second biggest star appearing at your roast? Is it more or less sad than being less of a draw than Steve-O?

I think most people have moved on from our two-week obsession with drug-addled Charlie Sheen, so hopefully “The Comedy Central Roast Of” is just a ruse and they’re setting up a two-hour intervention where they berate him for being one of our nation’s most legitimate creeps. Best case scenario, Jeff Ross shows up with a stack of index cards with nothing but Chuck Norris jokes on them and uses them indiscriminately for the next five Comedy Central Roasts.

The Arizona Diamondbacks let Charlie Sheen take batting practice prior to yesterday’s 5-3 win over the New York Mets, and while it’s bad enough that people continue to pay attention to his depressing antics, the reason that he was there is even worse – he’s trying to get into shape for Major League 4. And this isn’t one of those “I’m getting a show on HBO” rumors that he likes to make up. This is for real.

I had heard this rumor earlier in the year – that Sheen, Corbin Bernsen and even Wesley “I was too good for Major League 2 but Lord knows I need the money now” Snipes were on board for another installment, and even the first film’s writer and director, David S. Ward, was down. Apparently the plot will involve the Cleveland Indians signing a washed up, burn out Rick Vaughn to mentor a wild rookie, who may or may not be Wild Thing’s son. The only potential in this idea is to show Willie Mays Hayes as a universally-loathed HGH addict in denial. Other than that, no. Just no.

Even the gods have stepped in and showed their disapproval, as Sheen ruptured the ulnar nerve in his elbow during batting practice. And if that isn’t bad enough, even Juggalos hate Sheen. Seriously. Juggalos.

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