Conan O’Brien wrapped up his week in Atlanta last night with a terrific bit that combined a number of things very near and dear to me: 1) Dunks; 2) Charles Barkley; 3) Mean jokes at Shaq’s expense; 4) References to Dick Vitale’s penis (don’t ask); and 5) Stupid shenanigans involving trampolines and silly costumes. Pretty much the perfect storm for me.

Specifically, the bit was called “Weird Dunking Mascots,” and it featured Barkley and Vitale critiquing a number of awful dunk attempts by the insane mascots the show created, (examples include Obese Colonel Sanders and Superman With His Cape Stuck In A Toilet) and tossing some pretty decent burns at each other in the process. Say what you will about Dick Vitale as an announcer, I give him a world of credit for going back to the old fat joke well more than once for his digs at Barkley. That’s dedication. And I give Barkley a world of credit for blowtorching Shaq, his Inside the NBA co-host, with that Superman line. Charles ain’t care, not even a little.

But mostly I’m posting this so I can give a public shoutout to Obese Colonel Sanders, who somehow got the ball to go in the basket despite jumping off a trampoline while wearing a big poofy fat suit and fake facial hair on national television. That alone makes him more qualified to earn starter minutes in the NBA than Spencer Hawes.

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Charles Barkley showed up as part of ‘The Price Is Right’s’ second-annual “Celebrity Charity Week” alongside such luminaries as Demi Lovato and two of the four dudes from 98 Degrees, and while it’s cool to 1) be on ‘The Price Is Right’ and 2) win money for charity, what the hell is going on with ‘The Price Is Right?’

I know Drew Carey took over and shrank, but the last time I watched the show it was basically the same. Did the crowd shrink to parallel Drew? Is this “stand in front of a video screen and just make up shit” game part of Celebrity Charity Week only (because Demi Lovato doesn’t have the physical dexterity for Plinko or whatever)? Are there still beauties and Holes In One Or Two and such? This is terrifying. Is the entire effort fruitless if it doesn’t end with Bob Barker demanding the genitals of our pets? It’s like I’m watching a CD-Rom of a thrown-together ‘Price Is Right’ game.

See for yourself:

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Have you ever wondered what Charles Barkley thinks about America’s Presidents? So far his opinions have been mostly about whether or not he’s a role model (he is not), how everyone who isn’t Charles Barkley plays basketball (turrible), Weight Watchers (it’s a scam) and the Five Buck Box (it rocks, it rocks). Also, hey, have you ever wanted to imagine Ernie Johnson as a slave-master? I know I have.

Please enjoy this soundbite from the Sprint Halftime Report, wherein Sir Charles ranks Abraham Lincoln over his previous favorite, Barack Obama, because Daniel Day-Lewis hasn’t played Obama in a movie. Yet.

“Abe Lincoln’s my new favorite president. Know why? If it wasn’t for him we would be calling Ernie, Boss.”

Part of me wishes Barkley had gone with a less talked-about President (suggestion: “James K. Polk’s my new favorite president. Know why? Because he was the Napoleon of the stump.”), but I understand his choice. Abe was an important guy. He also loved sports, which makes Barkley’s pick even better. Want to know how awesome Abraham Lincoln was at sports? Here’s an historical drawing of him chokeslamming a dude:

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Yao Ming has an hilariously bad golf swing, but the undisputed master of the two-sport golf swing of shame is the “swing halfway down, stop, shake around a bunch, follow through” stroke of NBA legend Charles Barkley. I don’t wan to sound like I’m exaggerating for comic effect, but on a list of the objectively worst things in the world, it’s in the top ten. Famine, child abuse, callousness, Charles Barkley golfing, war. Something like that.

‘Inside The NBA’ decided to put together all the clips they could find of Barkley’s swing, and it’s as amazing and impossible as you’d hoped. They don’t just laugh at him about it, they ask the important questions, like “who are you trying to emulate?” and “what’s WRONG with you?” Sir Charles doesn’t have any answers, he just kinda sits there rubbing his face and apologizing.

What can you say? It’s the worst. But it’ll live forever, so that’s something.

[via The NBA Mistress]

Charles Barkley’s latest Weight Watchers has given hope to fat guys across the country … according to the narrator, you may gain an inch of penis length for every 35 pounds you use. It’s not a magical transfer system or anything, you just have less gunt covering your stuff so it looks bigger. Or, it’s magic, I don’t know how Weight Watchers works.

Charles doesn’t share any of that information. He just lists off euphemisms for penis. Johnson, willy, cyclops, Buster McThunderstick (?), they’re all here. It’s great and all, but I’m going to be pissed if there isn’t an extended cut where he gets to say all the ones he couldn’t say in a Weight Watchers commercial. Maybe it’s selfish, but Charles Barkley saying ‘f**kstick’ is on my bucket list. I also think they could’ve worked in a reference to the Five Buck Cock. It rocks, it rocks.

The clip (by way of our pals at Sportress) is below (get it).

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This is a video of Charles Barkley in a bar doing a karaoke version of “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men. Let all the parts of that sentence really sink in for a minute. 1) Charles Barkley. 2) In a bar. 3) Doing karaoke. 4) Singing “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men. 5) On video. YES. And as if all that weren’t enough, I have some more exciting news for you: Charles Barkley is a terrible singer. TERRIBLE. Like, he’s so bad that he blows right past “Ugh, get this guy off the stage” and lands firmly in “Jesus Christ, this is almost like performance art, let’s try to get him to sing ‘The Greatest Love of All’ or something just to see what happens.” As one of the Internet’s foremost experts on “End of the Road,” I can confidently say that the first 60 seconds of this video represent the single worst rendition of the song I’ve ever heard.

But then.

BUT THEN.

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