"Knock knock... violence."

When not winning races against strange monsters on popular children’s shows or violently attempting to decapitate James Harden, Metta World Peace is quite the entertainment industry entrepreneur. Once known as Ron Artest, the Los Angeles Lakers forward has long aspired to branch out into other genres as his NBA career has entered its twilight phase. World Peace has famously tried to make his music career happen through his Tru Warrior label, and he and has given us such “hits” as “Get Lo”.

But what a lot of people forget is that World Peace tried his hand at stand-up comedy last year, and the effort was… courageous. I guess that every comedian deserves a second chance, though, and that’s just what World Peace is going for, as he will soon hit the stage again on Sept. 20 for his own charity event, “Comedy Slam Dunk” at the Laugh Factory.

“I’m definitely going to roast President Obama,” he says, “and I’m gonna roast the new guys, too: I have a cool joke about the new Lakers rock stars, Dwight Howard and Steve Nash, and about Kobe a little bit. And I have a couple of gay jokes that I’m going to say.”

“No, you can tell gay jokes — you just have to be funny,” he counters. “It’s like telling black or white jokes. And I do have a couple of racist jokes — you gotta throw out some racist jokes. There’s a difference between being racist and telling a racist joke. Every comedian does it. There’s no way around it. Gotta talk about your own race, obviously — I’m going to stereotype black people. You gotta stereotype everybody. Females, too.

“Hopefully people like it, and people laugh.” (Via ESPN)

I’ve only tried stand-up comedy a few times, but I’ve watched with fascination since I was a child, as the legends grew and the flash-in-the-pan hacks fizzled. I’ve also sat in comedy clubs and listened to deafening silence as guys with World Peace’s mentality bombed while they stood in a swimming pool of their own sweat.

That said, if he’s going for some sort of awkward, ironic, avant garde performance art, then it sounds like he’s ready to go.

Read the rest of this entry »

England and Ukraine will face off against each other at 2:45 ET on ESPN today in a match to determine which of the two teams will advance from Group D at the Euro 2012 tournament. England seems to be the favored team, as Ukraine’s top player and captain Adriy Shevchenko is all banged up. I don’t know what happened to Shevchenko, so I’ll assume that he was attacked by some of the stray dogs that have overrun his country.

As for England’s hopes, a lot of the attention today will be focused on the return of Wayne Rooney, who was suspended for England’s first two Euro matches for what I believe soccer experts call “being a big ol’ doody head”. Regardless of how he plays today and all of the ridiculous things he’s said in the past about his own fans, it seems that people still love the guy, because they’re willing to drop more than $90,000 (so far) on his custom motorcycle.

Read the rest of this entry »

My friends ask me all the time, “Burnsy, why are you always making all of those crazy photoshops and are you ever going to pay us the money you owe?” and my answers are “Because one day I hope that an athlete might notice something I did and truly appreciate it” and “HEY! LOOK OVER THERE!”

Well, that day is finally here, friends. Our beloved peers at Zoo With Roy recently had the incredibly adorable Awesome Emma interview Philadelphia Phillies ace Cole Hamels – a guy I truly enjoy watching pitch despite not being a Phillies fan – at an event for his Hamels Foundation. The entire video is worth a watch, because Emma is impossibly delightful and has a very bright future, but for those of you saddled with ADD, the payoff comes around the 3:15 mark.

A few weeks ago, Zoo With Roy sent out the battle cry for photoshops of a specific picture of Hamels, and I answered with a few. One was the above image of Hamels on Splash Mountain, and it turns out that he was quite fond of it.

Read the rest of this entry »

The bad news for Chicago Cubs fans is that their team is dead last in the NL Central with a 17-32 record, 11 games behind the first place St. Louis Cardinals Cincinnati Reds. The good news for Cubs fans is that they’re not the San Diego Padres. At least not yet.

But in another rebuilding year this was expected, so it’s nice to see that some Cubs fans are having fun with what will probably be another losing season. For starters, as you can see in the banner, one Cubs fan was quite ambitious; however, I’m willing to bet that his prediction didn’t come true. Other Cubs fans, though, were so fed up with the losing that they were willing to do some serious cardio.

A group of Cubs fans trying to break the famed “Billy Goat Curse” set out from Mesa, Arizona, in February, on a mission to walk to Wrigley Field, and “Crack the Curse.”

The five friends and their goat “Wrigley” arrived in Chicago on Memorial Day, but first Matt Gregory, Kyle Townsend, Blake Ferrell, Patrick Fisher and Philip Aldrich trekked to the CBS 2 studio. (Via CBS Chicago)

Well, at least a .347 record is bringing something positive for the North Side, as they collected donations through their website to raise money for the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center over the past three months. And hey, crazier sports comebacks have happened before, so keep your heads up, Cubbies.

Read the rest of this entry »

The people behind the website CharityBuzz operate under the philosophy “Do Good, Live Well” and with that one belief, they have helped raise more than $60 million by auctioning off special event packages that involve some of the biggest names in entertainment and sports. In fact, here are a few of my favorite auctions that I found after checking out the site:

• Meet Michael Douglas and Morgan Freeman and compete in Michael Douglas Celebrity Golf Tournament in Atlantis (and then marry a girl 30 years younger than you)
• Receive golf lessons from Butch Harmon (leave me alone, I love golf)
• Visit the Fox NFL set and meet the crew (how about I pay to not do that?)
• Spend 5 nights in a luxury hotel before attending the 2012 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, and have lunch with an Angel (!!!!!!!!)
• Spend a day in Los Angeles with Tesla founder Elon Musk (at first I thought that was the band Tesla and I was ready to take out a loan)

And perhaps the most intriguing CharityBuzz sports auction currently under way involves bidding on the opportunity for your kid to play catch with Brett Favre. Currently at $4,250, this package – pun really f*cking intended – is valued at $10,000. For your dollar, Favre will come to your kid’s school or practice field and teach him (or her, liberals) how to pass for 70,000 yards, 500 touchdowns and 8 billion interceptions, as long as you live in or near Sumrall, Mississippi.

It sucks that you either have to live in or be willing to travel to Sumrall, because I’d be interested in winning this auction just to pay a line of local kids to drill Favre in the nuts with footballs.

Read the rest of this entry »

The American Red Cross hosted its annual Evening of the Stars last Thursday in Normal, Illinois, and assuming hosting duties for the evening was none other than Fox Sports’ purveyor of smarmy matter of fact-ness, Joe Buck. Buck became another of many sports figures who have hosted this event – including Coach K, Peyton Manning, Mike Ditka and Bob Costas – but we’re pretty sure this year’s event will be one people are talking about for a long time.

Continuing the fine work of the MLB 12: The Show marketing team, Buck played to the Chicago Cubs fans in the crowd by allowing them to close their eyes and imagine what it would be like to hear him call their first World Series victory in 120-something years. Obviously, it hasn’t been that long, but as Buck refers to Starlin Castro as a 34-year veteran, it’s apparent that he, too, knows that this latest re-building effort is going to take some time.

Read the rest of this entry »