Seems like quite the prophetic photoshop now.

Cristiano Ronaldo is a world class athlete who is immensely wealthy and considered to be one of the most attractive men on the planet by women everywhere. So it’s no shocker that the Real Madrid superstar has once again found himself at the center of the tabloid gossip universe, this time amid rumors that he cheated on his girlfriend of three years, supermodel Irina Shayk.

At the center of this controversy, though, is an old friend of ours – Miss Bum Bum Brasil 2012 runner-up Andressa Urach. The same runner-up who spent the week after last year’s pageant on a boat, hooking up with the winner, Carine Felizardo. And now Urach claims that Ronaldo is “obsessed” with that runner-up butt, enough that they recently had sex in a hotel on the night before Real Madrid’s 4-1 UEFA Champions League semifinals loss to Borussia Dortmund.

But Ronaldo denies that it ever happened, according to a super serious Twitter statement.

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Life sure is tough for this loser.

Real Madrid star and athlete No. 647 to have dated Kim Kardashian, Cristiano Ronaldo was none too pleased with the officials of his team’s 1-0 victory over Dinamo Zagreb on Wednesday. He complained that the top priority of the Champions League referees should be to protect the awesomeness that is Ronaldo. After all, he is the most important athlete on the face of the planet.

“We are very happy with three points we took, but I’m not so satisfied with the refereeing,” he told reporters. “I hope we never have this referee again. People talk of fair-play, of protecting good players, but I never get any of that. I don’t understand a thing.

“I’m sad because I hear referees saying they will protect skilful players, but while some are untouchable it seems I can be mauled.” (Via The Guardian)

Pretty standard bitching and moaning about officiating, nothing to see here. But it’s the follow-up quote that really sprays the money shot.

“I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me. I don’t have any other explanation.”

How could there be any other explanation? He’s clearly so humble and respectable that the only reason people might boo him is because it’s just so impossible to take our eyes off of him. In fact, I wrote this entire post with my erection.

So Arsenal got smashed in its Champions League semifinal match with Manchester United last night (those names are linked up because this is America and you’re under no obligation to know anything about soccer). And apparently one of their fans took it a little too close to heart. I just spent ten minutes working on a ‘tie’ joke, which you’d think would be somewhat easy with a low-scoring sport like soccer and a fan from Africa that hung himself after his team lost. And I have nothing…except this bus ticket to Hell sitting in my lap. Eh, as long as it’s an aisle seat…

Suleiman Alphonso Omondi, a 29-year-old Kenyan living in the capital Nairobi’s Embakasi neighbourhood, hanged himself in his Arsenal shirt late Tuesday after the match, police said.

“We were watching the match at Bamba 70 pub, and when Arsenal was defeated, Suleiman just walked out in protest and he was crying,” Calvin Otieno, one of his friends, told reporters.

I can only say that I wish more Cowboys fans would start doing this. Seriously, I can appreciate that this guy didn’t just suddenly start rooting for the Red Sox after this game was over. Or whatever the English equivalent of the Red Sox would be. The Burgundy Knickers Cricket Club, perhaps? It just feels to wrong to be making such callous jokes when I haven’t even eaten lunch yet.

|IOL via Unprofessional Foul|

I haven’t read much about this new “swine flu” “epidemic,” (sorry, I have a life) but I was a bit surprised to learn that this particular slice of real life invaded the UEFA Champions League tournament when Arsenal had one of their players quarantined by his own team in fears of a swine flu outbreak. From the monolith:

Vela, 20, was told to stay away from the Gunners’ training session following a visit by some friends from Mexico, where more than 150 deaths have been blamed on the virus.

Mexico is the centre of the outbreak of the disease and Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger said: “It looked to be a massive problem because we were asked yesterday to keep him at home and not get him to the training ground.”

The AP reports that more than 60 cases of the H1N1 virus commonly referred to swine flu have been reported in the US so far. Whatever. This is like anthrax all over again, where everyone goes bananas for a few months but the casualties are barely significant. Kinda like when a 16-year-old girl gets her driver’s license or when Tony Danza puts out a new show. There’s a low supply of Tony Danza vaccine this season. Get yourself immunized early.

The Champions League final is on ESPN, and everyone's pretty much going batshit over this one, as the upstart Chelsea take on the old power of Manchester United. It's about 20 minutes in and nobody's scored yet, so you still have a chance to see the one goal in this game before they score it. 

Update: 26 minutes in, Ronaldo heads one in. I thought Ronaldo was Brazilian?

Update: Chelsea with THE EQUALIZER at the end of the first half. Not sure who scored it. Don't really care.

Update: They're playing this game in Russia?! Why?

Update: Man U won on penalty kicks. This sport is lamer than that new Taco Bell commercial…