Chael Sonnen is now three days away from his Light Heavyweight Championship match against Jon ‘Bones’ Jones at UFC 159. Yesterday, we shared the pre-fight conference call, wherein Chael eschewed his traditional spew of wordy hatred to lovingly cradle Jon Jones’ reputation in his arms and gently kiss its forehead. We wondered what was up with Chael, and reader Iron Mike Sharpie put it best when he said he reads Sonnen’s comments as, “Please don’t put me in a coma, okay?”

That overwhelming sense of “what the f**k are you doing” continued on SportsCenter, where an interview with Sonnen started with his totally normal white person request to touch the reporter’s hair and ended in a WWE-style promo so sing-songy it could’ve come from the mouth of The Rock himself. You know, if Rock could say that many words in a row without having to stop and catch his breath.

Here’s the clip. Warning: If you are Jon Jones, this is somehow going to make you even less scared.

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Chael Sonnen has a big fight coming up on the 27th at UFC 159 against UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon ‘Bones’ Jones. About now is when you’d expect The American Gangster to go Full Chael Sonnen and start cutting promos about how he could beat Bones with both arms and a leg tied behind his back. About how if the fight goes longer than a round he’ll take off his fightshorts and eat them in front of New Jersey. After all, when Jones refused to fight him on short notice at UFC 151, Sonnen called Bones every name he could think of, from “bratty, entitled kid” to “chicken shhhh.”

Sorry. You aren’t getting that this time. This time, they’re BFF.

To get you hyped for UFC 159, here’s a paragraph of transcript from the pre-fight conference call featuring Chael kissing Jon’s ass so hard he might force a ref stoppage. Either that, or Sonnen’s trying to work in Chuck Norris jokes facetiously.

“As great as Jon is, I don’t think he understands how good he is. For him to pay tribute to Mike Tyson and Muhammad Ali earlier was a very nice thing for him to do. The reality is, Jon Jones could beat up Mike Tyson and Muhammad Ali in the same day. And when he says he wants to be the best ever – Jon, news flash, buddy – you are the best. As far as tying Tito Ortiz, yeah maybe he had a couple more wins, but he hasn’t had the competition that you’ve faced. He’s the world champion, he’s the best in the weight class and he’s the best the weight class has ever seen.”

That’s all well and good, but someone made the mistake of asking Chael to compare Bones and Anderson Silva.

Remember back at UFC 117, when Chael Sonnen faced Anderson Silva, submitted to a triangle armbar and lost the fight? Remember the rematch at UFC 148, when Chael went for a spinning backfist and fell on his ass, allowing Silva to just kinda stiff arm him against the cage and punch him in the head until the ref stopped the fight? Chael Sonnen doesn’t!

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UFC Tonight has the scoop on the rumored Dana White vs Vince McMahon superfight. Could this be the real deal? Chael Sonnen and Kenny Florian break the two presidents down for a better look.

This is my new favorite Not News story, because everyone involved is handling it properly, and even Chael Sonnen is hitting the right notes.

Vince McMahon suggested to Dana White that they “do something.” In Vince terms that means “Dana White should show up to WrestleMania, and I’ll let him promote his stuff and if I’m in the right mood, I’ll let him bloody me with a trashcan and shave my face and toss me into a garbage truck, which will then carry me out of the arena and explode.” The other idea was to get into the octagon and duke it out for real, because Dana White is the president of an MMA company and Vince McMahon is way too confident and out of his f**king gourd. Dana’s response, from Dana’s mouth, was “you’re crazy.”

Chael Sonnen provided some analysis (after a spectacular “tale of the tape”) and followed-up like any UFC fighter should — by saying that Vince McMahon would literally die in a fight with Dana White, and that even the Undertaker couldn’t save him. Here’s the video:

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One of the reasons that social media sucks is because people think that their friends actually want to see pictures of their kids. Sites like Facebook and Twitter were actually created as platforms for people to post pictures and videos of animals dressed as humans; however, they’ve been largely hijacked by people with stupid, smelly children that give nothing back to society. Those kids need to get off their asses, learn how to speak (English preferably), go outside and GET JOBS.

But some parents actually make their dumb, booger children enjoyable, and one of those parents is UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon “Bones” Jones. Jones became a father for the third time, as his daughter Olivia was born yesterday morning. Naturally, Jones Tweeted through most of the ordeal, as his significant other, Jessie Moses*, popped out their third daughter in one push.

According to Jones, in the most Jon Jones way imaginable, little Olivia is doing just fine.

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We’re all on the same page, right? The International Olympic Committee suggesting that wrestling should be removed from the 2020 games due to a lack of ticket sales or whatever is stupid, because it’s wrestling, and more or less the definitive human sport.

All we need now is for the IOC to hear passionate comments from athletes who value amateur wrestling, and are beloved and respected enough in the world of sports to be undeniable. People like … uh, Chael Sonnen, that punchman who preps for fights by calling his opponents super coward dummies.

A transcript of his thoughts:

“How do you get rid of wrestling? It is the oldest sport in existence. In no walk of society can you tell me seniority does not matter. Nothing can date itself back as far as wrestling. They didn’t have bikes, they didn’t have balls and they didn’t have bats — they were pushing and pulling on one another.”

“We have an idiocracy known as FILA that has ruined the sport. We have two knuckleheads that you couldn’t trust to run your local donut shop regulating our sport of wrestling. Wrestling has cannibalized itself from 10 spots on the world and Olympic team to nine, to eight, to seven. This is where they’re at it. It’s basic science, the number one rule in biology, you either evolve or you become extinct.”

That’s … actually pretty astute. If you need stupider comments, TMZ spoke with former WWF Heavyweight Champion The Iron Sheik, a 1968 Olympian for Iran who is most famous in his post-wrestling career for being a sort-of profane Wesley Willis who reacts to every situation with threats of violence and anal sex.

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Chael Sonnen, on Jon Jones:

“I have friends on the card. I have fighters who and scratching and clawing their way through the undercard to the prelims, even the main card guys … their whole future depends on the check that they were gonna earn for doing their job next week. That’s all been taken away from them, because one selfish brat didn’t want to go in there and fight. You know, I just don’t understand it. I don’t understand how you could put yourself in front of the company and the industry. … He’s with Nike, Nike should change their motto with Jon Jones to ‘Just Do Nothing’.”

Jon Jones, on Chael Sonnen:

“The things you say about me hold absolutely no weight, you disrespected Anderson and his country but fought like a child. If you’re going to disrespect me out of nowhere, at least disrespect me to my face like a man. And you call me a punk, I’m more man than you’ll ever be. #Coward #Cheater. You’re not worth my time. Earn a title shot instead of trying to talk your way into one and I’ll be glad to hurt you.”

They’ve got a title fight set for April 27th and have been named as opposing coaches for the next season of ‘The Ultimate Fighter’. This is serious business, and shit’s about to go down. Here’s a picture of them palling around at Thanksgiving, taking cheesy holiday pictures.

Wait, what?

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