By now you may have heard that former Cincinnati Bengals and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Chad Johnson has a sex tape floating around out there. Maybe you’ve already stopped by to visit our cooler cousins at Kissing Suzy Kolber to check out the NSFW clip that most definitely proves that Johnson’s newest career venture is indeed pornography. And maybe you’ve even already read that Johnson has admitted that the sex tape exists.

Oh, but of course he didn’t leak it.

We’re told Chad has no idea how the tape leaked to the Internet … but insists he wasn’t behind it … and now he’s exploring his legal options in hopes of having the tape removed from the web ASAP.

So far, it doesn’t appear the entire video has made it’s way into cyberspace — only bits and pieces — but we’re told the entire tape is “substantial in length” … (Via TMZ, where “it’s” is the new “its”)

Sure. Chad didn’t leak it. I mean, why on Earth would he ever want to leak his own sex tape? After all, this is the guy who allegedly head-butted his wife when she discovered a receipt for condoms in his car. And this is the same guy who was exposed for using Twitter as his own Adult Friend Finder, when a famous Atlanta stripper spent way more than 140 characters bragging about how she’d been sleeping with then-Ochocinco, but how she wasn’t the reason that his divorce went south.

Or maybe she was, I can’t even keep track of this crap anymore. What I can keep track of, though, is a huge coincidence, and in this case that’s the fact that Johnson is unemployed with no shot of being an NFL starter anytime soon, and he’s probably hurting for money. So if you put two and two together, you get a guy who’d probably want the kind of money that comes with a sex tape.

Good thing PornHub already made Chad an offer back in August. Ahhhhhhhhh, coincidences. In case you forgot, I’ve included the original letter from PornHub’s CEO after the jump.

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It’s pretty safe to say that things aren’t going too well for Chad Johnson right now. The 34-year old receiver has probably played his last days in the NFL, as the Miami Dolphins have cut him in the wake of – but not necessarily because of – his arrest for domestic assault on his wife, Evelyn Lozada Ochocinco, and their VH1 reality show has also been canceled. Seeing as this is the second time that Johnson has dealt with domestic violence charges – the first incident occurred in 2000 – it’s safe to say the NFL won’t look too favorably upon Johnson playing for some time.

This fall from grace has caused some people to look back to a comment that Johnson made recently, as he declared that if the Dolphins cut him, he’d probably turn to a life in pornography. Joke or not, that can now be his reality, as the people at PornHub are offering Johnson a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

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"If you're just gonna keep throwing to Gronk, I'm gonna go check out some boobies."

If the NFL counted Tweets as receiving yards, then Chad Ochocinco would have been the greatest single season receiver in New England Patriots history last year. Sadly, that idea will have to wait for the next CBA meetings. Ochocinco – who may or may not be changing his last name back to Johnson – has told the Patriots that he will drop his $3 million salary to $1 million just to keep his spot on the roster in 2012.

In the meantime, Ocho is still Tweeting away, and one man recently reached out to the once-boastful Pat to help put an end to his lack of confidence and non-existent love life. Ocho’s advice?

I’d love to produce a talk show for Ocho on which lonely losers ask him advice and his answer to every problem is: “Strip club.” Because, honestly, that is pretty much the perfect answer to any problem. Well, except maybe a combination of sex addiction and no money. In that case, the advice should be whatever the opposite of a strip club is. I guess that would either be church or a WNBA game.

Nevertheless, the girls at Tootsie’s in Miami have risen to the challenge and welcome Ocho’s lonely pal with open… um, arms.

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In the worst nickname-on-the-back-of-football-jerseys news since He Hate Me revealed that He Actually Fairly Indifferent Toward Me, New England Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco, the man who wanted his nick on his back so badly he pulled an Ultimate Warrior and legally changed his name, will become Chad Johnson again soon.

The news comes via his Twitter account @Ochocinco:

Of course, the tweet before that reads, “A thug is being able to drive a Prius smoking a cigar getting a girls hair full of cigar smoke listening to Little River Band ‘Reminiscing’” so take that news with a grain of salt.

It’s a good call, though. On a day when the Patriots rendered one of their wide-outs the least important person in professional sports by resigning Tiquan Underwood three days after releasing him so he couldn’t play in the Super Bowl, putting “Johnson” on your back instead of an incorrect spelling of your number in Spanish is smart. Best case scenario, they’ll think you’re someone else and let you play a few more years.

Somewhere Terrell Owens is trying to get his name changed to Terry Teeoh.

Sports

Spider-Man Basketball Looks Spazzier Than Vampire Baseball - I’m not the first one to notice it, but it’s weird how much they want the next Spider-Man movie to look like Twilight. Wait a minute, Spider-Man 3 had Bryce Dallas Howard in it. Have they been doing this all along? Do I secretly like Twilight? Do I even realize it? [Film Drunk]

Ochocinco Says “F**k All Defensive Backs” - It’s true, that does seem like something Ochocinco would say. I take seriously all comments from a man who changed his name to numbers. [Smoking Section]

Cowboys Linebacker Keith Brooking Gets His Two Daughters Ready To Go For Six Flags - Sports news should be less “this guy got a DUI” and “this guy beat his wife” and more “this guy is going to take so many old timey photos it’s gonna be SICK”. I’m going back to Six Flags Fiesta Texas in a few weeks, remind me to get KSK to write up a report about it. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Ultra-Pro Cards, The Least Valuable Objects Ever Produced - What’s worth less, these baseball cards or that Marvel Knights comic about Ghost Rider and Johnny Blaze that my Dad wouldn’t let me take out of the polybag and read 15 years ago? [SBN]

With Leather

Punte Talks to Patrick Willis - In case you were unaware, With Leather is now a legitimate news organization, and we get to talk to athletes about things in real life. And by “in real life” I don’t mean saying “you are awesome” to some D-league guy and having them retweet it. [With Leather]

Jay Cutler and Chad Ochocinco and the Models of the Diesel Swimsuit Show - In about an hour I’m putting up a gallery of 40,000 Kate Upton pics (thanks, Burnsy), so spend the next sixty minutes looking at women who aren’t her. Two Ochocinco links this morning. I should go for eight and title it “Ocholinko”. [With Leather]

The Most Disgusting World Record You’ll See This Week - This is from last week, but you probably won’t see anything grosser this week either. Still gonna try to set the world’s record for “most food just thrown on the ground so nobody can eat it”. [With Leather]

The Best and Worst of Raw 7/11 - Because we are legitimate, here’s a thing about wrestling. Last night WWE put on what might be their best pay-per-view event ever (I’m not kidding), so read this and establish context before you read 10 pages of me swooning about it later. [With Leather]

Not Sports

It Was a Harry Potter Sort of Weekend - I don’t share in the Harry Potter enthusiasm, but it’s basically the only thing the non-sports world wants to talk about right now. The final film in the series opened and broke box office records by bringing in 600,000 billion dollars and bankrupting everything in the world, so now all we’ve got left to constitute “a world” is China and Harry Potter. Here is a picture of Emma Watson. [Uproxx]

Adult Swim’s Most Awkward Comic-Con Memories - My most awkward Wizard World Austin moment: trying to sneak past the cast of The Human Centipede without making eye contact. [Adult Swim]

The Bang Bus Guy Lives in a Van Full of Animals - I thought I needed to share this with people. What’s next? Are we gonna find out the MILF Hunter is a vagrant drifter? (actually, that would make a pretty good MILF Hunter storyline) (does MILF Hunter have storylines?) [Film Drunk]

A Gallery of When Pixar Comes to Life - Some of these are interesting, some are cute, some are terrifying. Pretty sure I don’t ever want to see that family dressed as The Incredibles again, and I’m the guy who just wrote like five sentences about the MILF Hunter. [Unreality]

"Yo Ocho, yo dude dressed like me... that's my chick. We're getting married and stuff."

The good news is that it appears that the NFL Lockout could end very soon. Not soon like today, but probably sometime next week. Regardless, the NFLPA* and the owners are ironing out the final details of rookie wages, which were a big obstacle, and the players could file to lift the lockout as early as Monday. The better news is that Jay Cutler’s doing fine. How fine? He was partying last night at the Diesel fashion show at the Raleigh Hotel in Miami Beach, Florida as part of the Merecedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2012 events this weekend.

J-Cutty took his sore knee to Miami to support his main babe, Kristin Cavallari, as she walked the runway for Diesel’s new swimsuit line. Joined by Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco, Cutler chilled and mingled with the peeps, probably downed a few brews. Nothing special, brah. Check it out for yourself after the jump, but don’t stare at J-Cutty’s babe, OK? He’s not down with that.

And yes, this was a very obvious and unapologetic way of posting photos of hot models. Happy Friday!

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