Bengals wideout Chad Ochocinco is the latest athlete to grab hold of streaming video and beat it into the ground. The Ocho Cinco Show streamed earlier this morning on Ustream.tv and is already off the air. C’mon, Chad. Stephon Marbury was doing this for like 4 days and you barely made it past lunch. No wonder Carson Palmer hates you so much. Actually, that might have more to do with the fact that you run your mouth all week during the season and then perpetually come up short on gameday. Potato, p’totto.

During the stream, Chad praised himself for being out of bed before noon and spoke on the phone with NFL Network analyst Warren Sapp and Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis, but he decided that it was too early to call 50 Cent, a dude with whom he’s “not that close.”
When asked whom he preferred between Halle Berry and Tyra Banks, Chad suggested putting them together and “You got a Halle Banks!” And to think people are paying Stuart Scott money to sit in front of a camera when Ochocinco’s willing to do it for free.

Nobody knows for sure whether the former Chad Johnson changed his name for purposes of marketing, publicity, general tomfoolery (my vote), or because he’s now married to Alberto Ochocinco of Sarasota, Florida. Whatever the reason, there seem to be more seats available on the Ocho Cinco bandwagon heading into 2009. From Darren Rovell, a swell guy who hands the ball back to the referee every time:

In October 2006, Johnson first unveiled “Ocho Cinco” on his jersey for a game in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month. Before the game, Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer ripped off the “Ocho Cinco” to reveal the usual “C. Johnson” on the back of his jersey. Even though Johnson was fined $5,000 by the league, he went ahead and made the name change permanent less than two years later.

Johnson sells T-shirts on a site that read “Ocho Cinco,” but the league will only let him wear and market official league products using the name as one word because that is how he filled it out on the name change application.

Has anyone destroyed his name in more of a literal and figurative sense than this guy? Chad has created two alternate names: the two-word name that he wished to be his current moniker, and the one-word name that he’s legally required to wear by the league. And now with Houshmanzadeh having bolted for Seattle, that case of Surname Envy should be long gone before training camp. But the herpes? That’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Goddam West Coast.  I wake up at 10:00 a.m. out here, and this is going on:

Ocho Cinco makes his way through the Best Buy store in Florence, Ky. He said was in the store to buy coach Marvin Lewis a gift. Seen with a Rock Band kit, portable stereo and a Cuisinart four-slice toaster, Ocho Cinco said, “I’ve been trying to call coach, but he doesn’t answer.” It was 5:25 a.m.

Holy crap, KSK’s Ocho and Marvin series is closer to the truth than anyone ever suspected. God bless the Artist Formerly Known as Chad Johnson.  The only way that list of purchased items could have been better was if it included some Michel Gondry DVDs.

[Via Fan IQ.  Photo credit: Cincinnati Enquirer/Michael Keating]

Sadly, the jersey you see here was only worn for the short period of time before the Bengals embarrassed themselves on Sunday.  Even though Chad Johnson legally changed his last name to Ocho Cinco, the NFL and Reebok united to smother any fun from a player changing his name to Spanish numbers.

“While the NFL has recognized the legal name change of Chad Johnson to Chad Ocho Cinco, the league informed the Bengals today that certain issues remain to be resolved before Ocho Cinco will be permitted to wear his new surname on his jersey,” the league said in a statement. [..]

Contacted Sunday by The Associated Press, NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said, “He has a financial obligation to Reebok, which produces the jerseys available to fans. That has to be resolved before the on-field jersey can be changed.” [...]

“He’s legally changed his name, so we’re willing to recognize that,” [commissioner Roger] Goodell said. “There’s what I call a more administrative issue that has to be dealt with. There’s a large inventory of jerseys that are out there with 85 Johnson. Any player that changes a number or changes his name has to address that so that our licensing is not stuck with a large inventory.”

Put more succinctly, the NFL wants to sell more “Johnson” jerseys before it starts making “Ocho Cinco” jerseys.  Added Goodell, “Ja, ze NFL’s bottom line ist more important zan your pitiful American laws.  Now buy zome merchandise!!  SCHNELL!!!”

Yesterday in spite-related name-change news, we learned about the man who became War Machine.  Today, the word on the street is that lithium-needing Bengals receiver Chad Johnson has officially changed his last name to Ocho Cinco.

According to Miami radio station 790 The Ticket, which is in Johnson’s hometown, the receiver has legally changed his last name to “Ocho Cinco.” Johnson’s — sorry — Ocho Cinco’s reported name change has been rumored in NFL circles for weeks, and according to the station today, it’s official.

Johnson forewarned the public that a major surprise was coming during a recent interview with Chris McKendry on ESPN’s SportsCenter.

Some folks are already calling him an idiot, but I have to say, I think this is terrific.  We should all get to choose whatever name we want.  Pleasure to meet you, I’m Rock.  Rock Thunderballs.

The complaints of assault, criminal trespass, and pointing a gun at a person that were filed earlier this week against Bengals linebacker Odell Thurman were withdrawn yesterday, thus canceling the hearing that was scheduled for earlier today.

In case you're new to the story, With Leather ham-handedly first reported the story after speaking to people at the party where Odell Thurman (allegedly) kicked did not kick a man's face after the man asked Odell to please stop grinding on the man's girlfriend.  Other things that probably happened but will not be brought to light inside a courtroom: Odell leaving the party only to come back with guns and friends, Odell's brother sticking a gun in a partygoer's mouth, and Odell paying the accusers enough money to withdraw the complaint.  Hey, I said probably.  It's merely speculation.  I wasn't there.   Let the record show that no criminal charges were ever filed.

Too bad for Odell that that doesn't matter to Roger Goodell.  Thurman, who was suspended all of 2006 for his third violation of the NFL's substance abuse policy, must now get reinstatement from a man who cares about due process about as much as he cares about NFL fans, players, and the media.  True fact: Goodell is the NFL's first nihilist commissioner. 

Also see: the FanHaus, which might have a thing for Der Kommissar