Bengals wideout Chad Ochocinco can’t stop being himself; during what was presumably a team trip to the movie theater to see G.I.Joe: The Rise Of Cobra, Ocho decided to take pictures of the movie and give a running commentary on the plot on Twitter, which I thought was hilarious…until I realized he was committing what I think should be a felony in all 50 states: using a cell phone in a movie theater.

I tweeted back to him, and then…oh, no! I’ve made myself part of the story! Oh, you don’t like that? Get your own damn blog. Anyway, I alerted him to his breach of proper movie etiquette (while calling him a bad name, for which I later apologized), and Chad was good enough to get back to me, citing what I believe was the cause of his bad manners:

OGOchoCinco @PUNTE my bad vagina!!!!
[about 1 hour ago from TwitterFon in reply to PUNTE]

In short, Ocho apologized for using his phone in a movie theater. By sending an apology through his phone. While he was in a movie theater. I think my head just exploded, which, from what I hear, would have been better than anything in that G.I.Joe movie. But seriously, if somebody murdered another person in a movie theater for using a cell phone, no jury would convict that person. And the studios wonder why nobody wants to see movies in theaters anymore.

So now you know. And knowing’s half the battle.

Bengals wideout Chad Whatzisname is on a mission to prove that his ludicrous antics were nothing more than a precursor to the bullsh that he’s going to pull in 2009. Ochocinco, who put up almost-career-low stats last season (540 yards, 4 touchdowns), was asked about his frequent use of Twitter during an interview by KGOW radio in Houston. From Sports Radio Interviews:

I have my own application coming out where people will be able to interact and follow me. You know more than through just the keyboard and reading my messages – you’ll actually be able to follow me and when the season starts, it’s going to get even worse. I’m going to really make it fun. I’m using Twitter during games, during halftime, after the games. I’m going to be taking it to the next level.”

I’m so tired of this prick. I get that some people find his personality to be an asset to the game, but when you can’t back it up on the field, it’s best for everyone involved to just button it until you can. YOU CAUGHT FEWER BALLS LAST YEAR THAN KEVIN FREAKING WALTER FOR THE TEXANS. Go to camp. Study film. I don’t know, maybe MAKE AN EFFORT TO IMPROVE. Quit trying to be Dennis Rodman. One Dennis Rodman is one too many, anyway.

Bengals wideout and end zone choreographer Chad Ochocinco compared the recent deaths of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett to 9/11, a claim so ridiculous that one could only assume that he was probably being honest. From his Twitter feed:

Okay, first Mrs. Fawcett now Mr. Jackson, please tell me that this is a mistaken rumor, if not this is just as sad as 9/11

KSK points out that Ocho later recanted:

The 9/11 was a bit over the top, i am just in an emotional state right now, bare with me while i regroup people, be back in 10 minutes

He then spent the rest of his evening listening to a Michael Jackson CD and irritating his neighbors, probably the only thing Chad will do with 100 percent effort this year. Yep, this is pretty much what we’re passing off as news this offseason. It’s probably time for the NFL to start playing year-round.

Nobody knows for sure whether the former Chad Johnson changed his name for purposes of marketing, publicity, general tomfoolery (my vote), or because he’s now married to Alberto Ochocinco of Sarasota, Florida. Whatever the reason, there seem to be more seats available on the Ocho Cinco bandwagon heading into 2009. From Darren Rovell, a swell guy who hands the ball back to the referee every time:

In October 2006, Johnson first unveiled “Ocho Cinco” on his jersey for a game in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month. Before the game, Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer ripped off the “Ocho Cinco” to reveal the usual “C. Johnson” on the back of his jersey. Even though Johnson was fined $5,000 by the league, he went ahead and made the name change permanent less than two years later.

Johnson sells T-shirts on a site that read “Ocho Cinco,” but the league will only let him wear and market official league products using the name as one word because that is how he filled it out on the name change application.

Has anyone destroyed his name in more of a literal and figurative sense than this guy? Chad has created two alternate names: the two-word name that he wished to be his current moniker, and the one-word name that he’s legally required to wear by the league. And now with Houshmanzadeh having bolted for Seattle, that case of Surname Envy should be long gone before training camp. But the herpes? That’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Goddam West Coast.  I wake up at 10:00 a.m. out here, and this is going on:

Ocho Cinco makes his way through the Best Buy store in Florence, Ky. He said was in the store to buy coach Marvin Lewis a gift. Seen with a Rock Band kit, portable stereo and a Cuisinart four-slice toaster, Ocho Cinco said, “I’ve been trying to call coach, but he doesn’t answer.” It was 5:25 a.m.

Holy crap, KSK’s Ocho and Marvin series is closer to the truth than anyone ever suspected. God bless the Artist Formerly Known as Chad Johnson.  The only way that list of purchased items could have been better was if it included some Michel Gondry DVDs.

[Via Fan IQ.  Photo credit: Cincinnati Enquirer/Michael Keating]

OCHO CINCO DEACTIVATED FOR STEELERS GAME — Bengals wideout Chad Johnson-Cinco has been suspended by the organization for an unspecified violation of team rules, although a Bengals blogger says it’s because Ocho overslept and missed a team meeting (link via PFT).  A team meeting at 8:30 p.m.

BRADY QUINN HAS A BOO-BOO — Brady Quinn, fresh off his first career win as the Browns’ starting QB, has a broken index finger on his throwing hand.  Experts such as myself suggest that may affect his throwing, and also his pointing on the dance floor.  Quinn will play, but doctors have warned that he “cannot damage the finger any further.”  Which is why he’ll keep it safe in another man’s ass until Sunday.

TOO BAD FOR LINEMEN — The life expectancy for pro football linemen is 52.  Hey, that’s great news!   As long as it’s still the 18th century.