In the worst nickname-on-the-back-of-football-jerseys news since He Hate Me revealed that He Actually Fairly Indifferent Toward Me, New England Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco, the man who wanted his nick on his back so badly he pulled an Ultimate Warrior and legally changed his name, will become Chad Johnson again soon.

The news comes via his Twitter account @Ochocinco:

Of course, the tweet before that reads, “A thug is being able to drive a Prius smoking a cigar getting a girls hair full of cigar smoke listening to Little River Band ‘Reminiscing’” so take that news with a grain of salt.

It’s a good call, though. On a day when the Patriots rendered one of their wide-outs the least important person in professional sports by resigning Tiquan Underwood three days after releasing him so he couldn’t play in the Super Bowl, putting “Johnson” on your back instead of an incorrect spelling of your number in Spanish is smart. Best case scenario, they’ll think you’re someone else and let you play a few more years.

Somewhere Terrell Owens is trying to get his name changed to Terry Teeoh.

Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco just told ESPN’s Trey Wingo that he intends to change his name back to “Chad Johnson” in time for the 2011 NFL season, assuming there is one. The former Chad Johnson changed his name to an amalgam of the Spanish words for “eight” and “five” before the 2008 season. Chad’s jersey number is 85…obviously.

So was he serious? Who the hell knows. It’s just Chad being Chad. No matter what his name is, he can’t stand not being talked about. We’ll keep watching his Twitter feed and see if Chad does anything else anytime soon, like starting his own country or building a car out of homeless people.

Three notable fines came out of the NFL’s offices today, and if you had to guess who was fined the most between Bears quarterback Jay Cutler [berating an official], Bears lineman Tommie Harris [punching an opponent in the face] or Bengals wideout Chad Ochocinco [waving a one-dollar bill in front of an official], which way would you go?

Harris got the lightest punishment [a $7500 fine]; apparently punching non-quarterbacks in the face isn’t as bad as saying mean things about an official. Cutler’s next game check will be $20,000 lighter this week, as will Ochocinco’s. Who would have expected the NFL to be upset about a player claiming he was trying to bribe an official?

The question that everyone asks about this bit of “fun” seems to be, “Did anyone think he was serious?” If you saw the game live, you saw a tight shot of Ocho’s hand, and then a quick cutaway–nobody knew that he wasn’t serious. And with all the scuttlebutt about games being decided by officials, the message needed to be sent–influencing our officials is not a laughing matter. The cameras eventually caught handing the dollar back to a member of the field crew. Maybe he should have hung onto it. More.

Bengals wideout Chad Ochocinco can’t stop being himself; during what was presumably a team trip to the movie theater to see G.I.Joe: The Rise Of Cobra, Ocho decided to take pictures of the movie and give a running commentary on the plot on Twitter, which I thought was hilarious…until I realized he was committing what I think should be a felony in all 50 states: using a cell phone in a movie theater.

I tweeted back to him, and then…oh, no! I’ve made myself part of the story! Oh, you don’t like that? Get your own damn blog. Anyway, I alerted him to his breach of proper movie etiquette (while calling him a bad name, for which I later apologized), and Chad was good enough to get back to me, citing what I believe was the cause of his bad manners:

OGOchoCinco @PUNTE my bad vagina!!!!
[about 1 hour ago from TwitterFon in reply to PUNTE]

In short, Ocho apologized for using his phone in a movie theater. By sending an apology through his phone. While he was in a movie theater. I think my head just exploded, which, from what I hear, would have been better than anything in that G.I.Joe movie. But seriously, if somebody murdered another person in a movie theater for using a cell phone, no jury would convict that person. And the studios wonder why nobody wants to see movies in theaters anymore.

So now you know. And knowing’s half the battle.

Bengals wideout Chad Whatzisname is on a mission to prove that his ludicrous antics were nothing more than a precursor to the bullsh that he’s going to pull in 2009. Ochocinco, who put up almost-career-low stats last season (540 yards, 4 touchdowns), was asked about his frequent use of Twitter during an interview by KGOW radio in Houston. From Sports Radio Interviews:

I have my own application coming out where people will be able to interact and follow me. You know more than through just the keyboard and reading my messages – you’ll actually be able to follow me and when the season starts, it’s going to get even worse. I’m going to really make it fun. I’m using Twitter during games, during halftime, after the games. I’m going to be taking it to the next level.”

I’m so tired of this prick. I get that some people find his personality to be an asset to the game, but when you can’t back it up on the field, it’s best for everyone involved to just button it until you can. YOU CAUGHT FEWER BALLS LAST YEAR THAN KEVIN FREAKING WALTER FOR THE TEXANS. Go to camp. Study film. I don’t know, maybe MAKE AN EFFORT TO IMPROVE. Quit trying to be Dennis Rodman. One Dennis Rodman is one too many, anyway.

Bengals wideout and end zone choreographer Chad Ochocinco compared the recent deaths of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett to 9/11, a claim so ridiculous that one could only assume that he was probably being honest. From his Twitter feed:

Okay, first Mrs. Fawcett now Mr. Jackson, please tell me that this is a mistaken rumor, if not this is just as sad as 9/11

KSK points out that Ocho later recanted:

The 9/11 was a bit over the top, i am just in an emotional state right now, bare with me while i regroup people, be back in 10 minutes

He then spent the rest of his evening listening to a Michael Jackson CD and irritating his neighbors, probably the only thing Chad will do with 100 percent effort this year. Yep, this is pretty much what we’re passing off as news this offseason. It’s probably time for the NFL to start playing year-round.