By now you may have heard that former Cincinnati Bengals and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Chad Johnson has a sex tape floating around out there. Maybe you’ve already stopped by to visit our cooler cousins at Kissing Suzy Kolber to check out the NSFW clip that most definitely proves that Johnson’s newest career venture is indeed pornography. And maybe you’ve even already read that Johnson has admitted that the sex tape exists.

Oh, but of course he didn’t leak it.

We’re told Chad has no idea how the tape leaked to the Internet … but insists he wasn’t behind it … and now he’s exploring his legal options in hopes of having the tape removed from the web ASAP.

So far, it doesn’t appear the entire video has made it’s way into cyberspace — only bits and pieces — but we’re told the entire tape is “substantial in length” … (Via TMZ, where “it’s” is the new “its”)

Sure. Chad didn’t leak it. I mean, why on Earth would he ever want to leak his own sex tape? After all, this is the guy who allegedly head-butted his wife when she discovered a receipt for condoms in his car. And this is the same guy who was exposed for using Twitter as his own Adult Friend Finder, when a famous Atlanta stripper spent way more than 140 characters bragging about how she’d been sleeping with then-Ochocinco, but how she wasn’t the reason that his divorce went south.

Or maybe she was, I can’t even keep track of this crap anymore. What I can keep track of, though, is a huge coincidence, and in this case that’s the fact that Johnson is unemployed with no shot of being an NFL starter anytime soon, and he’s probably hurting for money. So if you put two and two together, you get a guy who’d probably want the kind of money that comes with a sex tape.

Good thing PornHub already made Chad an offer back in August. Ahhhhhhhhh, coincidences. In case you forgot, I’ve included the original letter from PornHub’s CEO after the jump.

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It’s pretty safe to say that things aren’t going too well for Chad Johnson right now. The 34-year old receiver has probably played his last days in the NFL, as the Miami Dolphins have cut him in the wake of – but not necessarily because of – his arrest for domestic assault on his wife, Evelyn Lozada Ochocinco, and their VH1 reality show has also been canceled. Seeing as this is the second time that Johnson has dealt with domestic violence charges – the first incident occurred in 2000 – it’s safe to say the NFL won’t look too favorably upon Johnson playing for some time.

This fall from grace has caused some people to look back to a comment that Johnson made recently, as he declared that if the Dolphins cut him, he’d probably turn to a life in pornography. Joke or not, that can now be his reality, as the people at PornHub are offering Johnson a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

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Ochocinco and Terrell Owens got together at some point during the winter, shotgunned a marathon of ‘Necessary Roughness’ and decided they could get their shit together and have a Diva Wide Receiver Renaissance. T.O. showed up in Seattle to run the 40 in 4.45 and earn himself a one year, $1 million contract. Ochocinco showed up in Miami, legally changed his name back to Chad Johnson (because serious business) and focused on the finer points of his game, using the experience he’s earned from a decade in pro football to …

Wait, I’m sorry, what?

According to [Davie police captain Dale] Engle, Johnson and his wife, Evelyn Lozada, were driving to their home in Davie after dinner Saturday night when Lozada found a receipt for a box of condoms in the car, sparking an argument that got “heated.”

When they arrived at their home, the argument “escalated quite a bit,” Engle said, and Johnson and Lozada butted heads, giving Lozada a laceration on her forehead. Lozada told police that Johnson purposely head-butted her, while Johnson told police it was accidental. (via Palm Beach Post)

welp,

This is one of those situations where blogger analysis is useless, because Jesus, I’ve never found myself “accidentally headbutting” someone so hard it opens them up in an argument over condom receipts. Johnson was released from jail on $2,500 bond and Miami terminated his contract within the day.

You’d think the rest of the Dolphins would just throw up their hands, say “okay, fine, whatever” and move on with their lives, but we live in a world where everyone has an opinion, so someone’s inevitably got to have the “who cares if he rage-headbutted a lady, we’ve got football to play” one. Dolphins linebacker Karlos Dansby, everybody:

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In the worst nickname-on-the-back-of-football-jerseys news since He Hate Me revealed that He Actually Fairly Indifferent Toward Me, New England Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco, the man who wanted his nick on his back so badly he pulled an Ultimate Warrior and legally changed his name, will become Chad Johnson again soon.

The news comes via his Twitter account @Ochocinco:

Of course, the tweet before that reads, “A thug is being able to drive a Prius smoking a cigar getting a girls hair full of cigar smoke listening to Little River Band ‘Reminiscing’” so take that news with a grain of salt.

It’s a good call, though. On a day when the Patriots rendered one of their wide-outs the least important person in professional sports by resigning Tiquan Underwood three days after releasing him so he couldn’t play in the Super Bowl, putting “Johnson” on your back instead of an incorrect spelling of your number in Spanish is smart. Best case scenario, they’ll think you’re someone else and let you play a few more years.

Somewhere Terrell Owens is trying to get his name changed to Terry Teeoh.

Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco just told ESPN’s Trey Wingo that he intends to change his name back to “Chad Johnson” in time for the 2011 NFL season, assuming there is one. The former Chad Johnson changed his name to an amalgam of the Spanish words for “eight” and “five” before the 2008 season. Chad’s jersey number is 85…obviously.

So was he serious? Who the hell knows. It’s just Chad being Chad. No matter what his name is, he can’t stand not being talked about. We’ll keep watching his Twitter feed and see if Chad does anything else anytime soon, like starting his own country or building a car out of homeless people.

Three notable fines came out of the NFL’s offices today, and if you had to guess who was fined the most between Bears quarterback Jay Cutler [berating an official], Bears lineman Tommie Harris [punching an opponent in the face] or Bengals wideout Chad Ochocinco [waving a one-dollar bill in front of an official], which way would you go?

Harris got the lightest punishment [a $7500 fine]; apparently punching non-quarterbacks in the face isn’t as bad as saying mean things about an official. Cutler’s next game check will be $20,000 lighter this week, as will Ochocinco’s. Who would have expected the NFL to be upset about a player claiming he was trying to bribe an official?

The question that everyone asks about this bit of “fun” seems to be, “Did anyone think he was serious?” If you saw the game live, you saw a tight shot of Ocho’s hand, and then a quick cutaway–nobody knew that he wasn’t serious. And with all the scuttlebutt about games being decided by officials, the message needed to be sent–influencing our officials is not a laughing matter. The cameras eventually caught handing the dollar back to a member of the field crew. Maybe he should have hung onto it. More.