Hot off the news that Minka Kelly realized that canceled TV show after canceled TV show is no way to go through life, it appears that former WWE Diva Torrie Wilson has taken a page from Stacy Keibler’s book and found herself a sugar daddy of her own in New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez. Somewhere, Billy Kidman just hit a Seven Year Itch into a pool of his own tears.

Rodriguez is recovering from special surgeries that he recently traveled to Germany for, as miracle doctor Peter Wehling administered plasma platelet injections into the underachieving superstar’s shoulder and knee. According to the Daily Mail – which totally wins the Headline of the Day contest with the unrelated “Moobs (Looks like a Lady)” – Rodriguez and Wilson spent New Year’s Eve in Cabo, but that doesn’t really mean much.

After all, it’s only official for A-Rod when he gropes his woman in a fountain.

OBVIOUS DOUBLE UP-DATE: George Clooney and Stacy Keibler were in Cabo with A-Rod and Torrie.

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Last we checked in on Canadian pop superstar Justin Bieber, he was skating with the Toronto Maple Leafs as part of the Children’s Wish Foundation of Canada’s efforts to make a young girl’s dream come true, before he headed off to hand out food at the Daily Bread Food Bank. After all of that, he recorded a Christmas special for a Canadian TV station, and everyone was all, “Aw what a good kid who has more money than most African nations.”

So of course he deserved to take a little time off last night and have some fun at a Toronto Raptors game – as he was still in town after his grandparents were in a serious car accident. But those darn Raptors had to spoil the fun by sucking losing to the Indiana Pacers, 90-85.

However, the news isn’t that Bieber was at a game or that he wears his pants halfway down his ass like a schmuck. Nope, the tabloids are going crazy today because someone took a picture of J-Biebz looking in the general direction of the attractive female Raptors dancers. WHAT WILL SELENA GOMEZ THINK? OH THE HUMANITY! WHERE IS OUR GOD NOW? THE WORLD IS ENDING!

I need more coffee.

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The New York Jets are currently clinging to the No. 6 seed in the AFC playoff hunt, and as much as it pains most people to admit – *points to self* – quarterback Mark Sanchez has been pretty good. And he needs to be playing well since both he and his coach, Rex Ryan, claimed that the Jets would win the Super Bowl this season.

But screw the stupid Super Bowl and cancel Christmas, because Sanchez just ruined everyone’s life.

Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez may be limbering up for his big game on Christmas Eve against the Giants, but he’s also been keeping time with curvaceous beauty Kate Upton.

Sanchez has been paying frequent late-night visits to the Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated swimsuit model’s Flatiron apartment, we’re told. He’s been spotted several times at the voluptuous blonde’s pad since November, usually after games or before practices — sometimes as late as midnight — rolling up in his black chauffeur-driven Navigator.

(Via the New York Post)

A source tells the NY Post that Sanchez and Upton are denying that anything is going on between them – “They’re just friends.” Normally that’s a big bunch of BS that translates to “We’re actually doing it.” You know what, though? I might actually believe it. Because if I were making late night visits to Kate Upton’s flat, I’m pretty sure there’s not a skyline on this planet that wouldn’t be blocked by a billboard announcing that I was snogging Kate-freaking-Upton with a picture of the planet’s biggest sh*t-eating grin.

As we learned the other day, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant and his wife, Vanessa, gave their two young daughters the greatest gift of them all this year – a lifetime of two Christmases. The Bryants are divorcing after a 10-year marriage that began when the two met on the set of a rap video, which is just a shame because rap video marriages are supposed to last forever.

However now, not even a week after the story broke, another rap video starlet is being dragged through the mud, and this time it’s not for a feature in Dirty Girls magazine. Former Playboy Playmate Jessica Burciaga was named by TMZ as Bryant’s mistress, and the 28-year old cover model of Performance Auto and Sound and Lowrider magazines is irate over it.

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The other day I was at Publix, purchasing my daily requirements of condoms and bacon when I saw the latest tabloid rags bagging on the Kardashian Klan for what we all knew was the fakest marriage since Liza Minelli and David Guest. Of course, only weeks ago, the same magazines were calling the marriage of Kim Kardashian and New Jersey Nets mouth breather Kris Humphries the American version of the Royal Wedding. My point is that tabloids can all fist themselves.

But it was only a matter of time before the Kardashian spin machine, run spectacularly by matriarch Kris Jenner, got the rags back on the family’s side. Enter US Weekly, which is pathetically trying to convince us that not only was the marriage real, but Humphries was a total dick.

After lavishly tying the knot Aug. 20, Kardashian’s hubby soaked up the perks of being married to one of the most successful reality stars ever — staying out late at clubs in NYC and L.A., and demanding free bottle service and more wherever he went.

Even worse? He could be downright cruel to Kardashian, 31. “He belittled her in front of people,” one insider tells Us. “He’d call her stupid. It was truly sickening.”

Humphries also allegedly called Kardashian a “fat ass” which would be terrible if it weren’t totally true. But the main point here is that US wants people to believe that Humphries is an a-hole. I probably would if it weren’t for the fact that we know every second of their relationship was fake.

We know that Kim’s people reached out to Danilo Gallinari before she settled on Humphries, and we know that she had the engagement ring that Humphries “gave her” for at least two years before they even got engaged. We also know that the Kardashians received at least $17 million for their wedding on E! and we know that the entire family is nothing but a bunch of unapologetic fame whores. So please, lonely women who watch their terrible TV shows and encourage their celebrity status, let the Kardashians slip away into nothingness.

If not for the fact that they are worthless and offer nothing to organized society, then do it for the fact that they tried to get “Dancing With the Stars” viewers to vote for Rob Kardashian over an American soldier who was wounded for his country.

Matt Damon is currently in Mexico for production of his latest film, Elysium, in which he plays an ex-convict with a shaved head (what, I’m not on FilmDrunk’s dollar today), and he decided to go against every travel warning in North America and partake in some local cultures away from his highly-protected hotel suite. Seriously, I know Mexican people who won’t go to Mexico anymore, but Damon wants to party, so who’s going to tell him no?

Unfortunately, the cultural pastime in question was bullfighting, a controversial Latin American “sport” that pits a strangely dressed man with a red cape against a giant, pissed off bull that has already been wounded to make it easier for the dude in the bedazzled Capri pants to win. But while Mexicans love their bullfighting, us cultured folk here in the U.S. of A equally love passing judgment, and I assume that Damon has a huge heap of judgment coming his way.

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