In the wake of what has turned into one of the sissiest bar fights to ever involve two hip hop stars, multiple people are now looking for pay days. For starters, a few girls have come forward to claim that they were injured during the bottle fight at a night club in New York City that was started by members of Drake’s and Chris Brown’s respective entourages. And the bigger news was that San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker was also partying in VIP – supposedly with Brown – and he was hit in the face with a bottle. Parker suffered some eye damage, but isn’t expected to miss the Summer Olympics. Nevertheless, he’s also suing for $20 million.

And now, a celebrity boxing promoter that you’ve never heard of has stepped forward to cash in on this beef jerky. Damon Feldman is offering $1 million to a charity that supports abused women if Drake and Brown agree to fight, with Rihanna as a ring girl.

The fight, he said, would feature three minute-long rounds with the participants donning oversized gloves and protective head gear.

Feldman is no stranger to publicity. He has put on fights featuring ex-baseball outfielder Jose Canseco, Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael and Rodney King.

Feldman says he has not received a response from either Drake or Brown. (Via CNN)

Is this all it takes to get your name in the media these days? Fine. I’ll pay $1 million to a charity that supports blind orphans if Kate Upton and Mila Kunis accept my challenge to become my Mormon wives. Someone let me know when CNN has my article up.

Last week we shared with you the news that turd-mouthed ex-ballplayer Lenny Dykstra would be taking the place of White House party crasher Tareq Salahi in an upcoming Celebrity Boxing match with Jose Canseco. “Canseco ruined my career by spreading lies,” said Dykstra in a statement. “I called Tareq and begged him to let me take his place in the upcoming fight against Canseco.”

Well, as it turns out, Canseco wasn’t the only person spreading lies. Somewhere between that statement and last night’s “Battle of the Baseball Bad Boys” (their name, not mine) Dykstra pulled out of the fight, and he might’ve pocketed $5,000 of the promoter’s cash before doing so. This is where the story gets very Sports By Brooks, so try to stay with me. From the Philadelphia Inquirer, by way of The Hall Of Very Good:

(Fight promoter Damon) Feldman said moments ago that he and main promoter Alki David met Dykstra on Thursday and paid him cash. The former Phillies star was to receive another $10,000 after the fight but informed promoters around 6 EST tonight that he would not show up.

Dan Herman, who until severing ties tonight with Dykstra had served as a manager for him, arranged Dykstra’s participation in the bout and confirmed that Dykstra was paid a portion of his purse in advance and has pulled out of the fight. “I grew up idolizing Lenny Dykstra but it was all a lie,” Herman said.

That makes both Canseco and Dykstra liars, for the record. But who can show up to call the promoter a liar? Why, a local weatherman, of course!

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If you’ve ever wanted to see two desperate-for-fame baseball players from the 1980s sadly destroying each other while an Octomom and possibly an also-ran Kardashian cheer them on, this is the story for you — embattled former slugger and mouth-haver Lenny Dykstra has been named a replacement opponent for Jose Canseco’s upcoming Foxy Celebrity Boxing match. He’s got a great reason for doing it, too, that has nothing to do with money or people looking at him through cameras!

Via the press release, by way of Market Watch:

Alki David, founder and CEO of FilmOn.com Networks, announced today that he has approved the last minute change in the upcoming title fight between controversial baseball player Jose Canseco and Tareq Salahi, the White House Party Crasher.

“Canseco ruined my career by spreading lies. I called Tareq and begged him to let me take his place in the upcoming fight against Canseco,” said Dykstra in a statement.

I want to see Canseco punch him in the jaw and cause the left side of his face to explode like a tobacco-filled pimple.

The press release then quickly jumps to explaining what “virtual cable television” is and spends seven paragraphs explaining how it works. Here’s the gist: You can watch television on the Internet, and on one of that television’s channels is a title fight (not sure which title, possibly “most depressing person”) between a 48-year old convict in physical and emotional shambles and a 47-year old who once fought Danny Bonaduce to a draw. Oh, and that 48-year old had to beg a guy who got temporarily famous for sneaking into parties to get his spot. On a different channel you can watch somebody catch and gut a fish, which should be a more humane and competitive thing.

Perhaps the saddest celebrity boxing news is that Tila Tequila is still scheduled to fight “TBA”. Can’t we find a ballplayer to fill in? How about Milton Bradley? I bet he’d kill her.

By all accounts, Jose Canseco is a delusional maniac, unfolding mentally in front of more than 400,000 followers on Twitter. But damn it if he’s not entertaining as hell. So it’s only natural that the guy who spends his time telling us to “stop hateing and start loving” or asking for lawyers to help him get his chandeliers back would take a huge step forward in his career and participate in “Celebrity Fight Night.”

I’m not going to pretend to be an expert, but apparently there is a group of people who consider themselves celebrities and they travel the country making promotional appearances under the guise of the Celebrity Boxing Foundation at bars and night clubs, where they fight each other. And these fights all lead up to the main event, a pay-per-view sh*t show that opens the gates of hell just a little bit wider.

To be somewhat fair and positive, some of the proceeds will go to the Muhammad Ali Parkinson Center, so that’s good. In fact, here is Celebrity Fight Night’s honest-to-God press description:

Celebrity Fight Night is one of the nation’s most elite, star-studded charity events that uses the mediums of live auctions, musical performances and appearances by special celebrity guests to raise funds for the famous boxer’s foundation.

I assume that these famous-in-their-own-mind pseudo-celebs will receive some sort of appearance fee, and whoever is behind this whole thing will probably have some “other fees” to handle. Either way, I’m sure that this prestigious event will raise hundreds – nay, thousands! – of dollars for a fantastic, honorable charity that will probably ask them to leave in an envelope under the doormat.

Let’s take a look at the matchups, shall we?

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David Eckstein is living the dream. Despite showing no obvious talent for baseball and being the size of a petite woman, Eck spent ten years in the Major Leagues, won two World Series championships, and somehow (according to Wikipedia) got a grown woman to sleep with David Eckstein. After a career of doing the impossible, he’s taking on a new goal: convincing people that baseball players can be decent human beings.

The Eckstein family is really into donating kidneys, and David is next on the list. He hasn’t officially retired, either, which means that he could show up on the Astros or the Marlins or whoever this season with only one operable kidney, hitting .270 and stealing 11-ish bases like nobody else possibly could.

Today’s Dugout is in tribute to a loving man who never stopped being kind of okay and trying really hard.

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Fans of celebrity boxing (Read: broke gamblers) were incredibly disappointed Saturday night when they realized that Jose Canseco wasn’t himself when he showed up for his fight at the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Florida. It was actually his twin brother Ozzie Canseco pretending to be Jose, and the scheme was busted by some fans who noticed the difference in the brothers’ tattoos. This of course begs the question – why the hell do people know what Ozzie Canseco’s tattoos look like?

Celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman expressed his disgust with the entire situation, explaining that he already paid Jose $5,000 up front and Ozzie demanded the other $5,000 in cash when he arrived to fight. Feldman explained that he needed to pay by check, and then someone yelled, “Hey, that’s not Jose Canseco!” resulting in a few thousand monocles shattering on the floor.

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