A ton of stuff happens in the sports world each week and there are only two of us here to try to scoop up as much as we can and shove into all into your eyeballs like an ocular smoothie of awesome. So of course we’re bound to miss a few things here or there. For instance, did you know former WWE diva and current George Clooney love interest Stacy Keibler went golfing on her vacation from standing still and looking hot? See, this is the kind of stuff we shouldn’t be missing out on.

Thankfully, I keep a few hundred folders of random sports photos on my computer to cover up my incredible collection of adult anime stills, and I figured that we could clear a few of them out with this new weekly feature, the Wednesday Wild Card. Today we’ll pay a visit to New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and see what he did to prepare for his loss to the New York Giants, while David Beckham signs some autographs, Kim Kardashian and Matt Millen cry, and the World Series of Poker pays out again.

Please hold your applause until the end.

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The big horse racing event of the weekend was clearly the 28th Breeders Cup Turf at Churchill Downs and its $26 million purse on Saturday, as 18-year old Joseph O’Brien, riding St. Nicholas Abbey, became the youngest jockey to win the event. And while that’s all fine and dandy if you’re a fan of Irish horses, the real horse racing fun began last Thursday in Australia with the Crown Oaks race during Oaks Day. I mean, as if I even had to tell you that.

The race was a “star”-studded affair with celebrities like Elizabeth Hurley, Joan Collins, some girl named Ruby Rose, former Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins, and a slew of other people I’ve never heard of showing up to watch horses run in a circle. But the brightest star of the bunch was Sarah Jessica Parker, who was in the country/continent to promote her new, incredibly aptly-titled film, I Don’t Know How She Does It. Parker looked fantastic as she waved to the crowd and posed for pictures with the winning jockey, Danny Nikolic. However, there was a brief scare when she tripped on the track and medical personnel attempted to put her down.

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Yesterday, I brought you the sad news that the incredibly real marriage between Kim Kardashian and the missing link Kris Humphries may be on the rocks. Today I regret to inform you that Humphries was spotted recently without his wedding ring, and Kardashian’s mom, Satan Kris Jenner, sent out a press release confirming that her daughter is just too busy for love.

Humphries is also being accused of getting phone numbers from random girls while he’s out partying, and I would like to meet these girls so I can explain to them that he’s a clumsy backup forward who somehow managed to average a double-double last season by playing garbage minutes for a crappy team. I mean, they could at least hit on Brandon Bass.

But I’m an optimist, friends, and I think this couple that made $17 million off their wedding and could probably double that by getting a divorce is just going through a bumpy phase and there’s a darn good reason why Humphries wasn’t wearing his ring. And if there’s not a darn good reason, I came up with a few excuses that he can use since he isn’t exactly a Rhodes Scholar.

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It feels like the U.S. Open has turned into the NBA Playoffs, what with rain causing the tennis tournament to last the better part of a month, but we’ve definitely seen our fair shares of excitement. For instance, did you catch that semifinals match between Roger Federer (3) and Novak Djokovic (1) on Saturday? Hoo boy, that was some tennis excitement. Djokovic’s come-from-behind win in the 5th set was far and away the highlight of this year’s Open, but today’s Finals matchup between Djokovic and Rafael Nadal (2), who defeated Andy Murray with much less excitement in the semifinals, will probably be the stuff of legends as well.

On the women’s side, 9th-ranked Samantha Stosur defeated Serena Williams 6-2 and 6-3 to win the Women’s Championship, and of course Williams blamed it on the officiating. Williams yelled, “Come on” during a rally and umpire Eva Asderaki docked her a point for a code violation. That’s when Williams became a little miffed.

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Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game festivities began yesterday in Phoenix with the Futures game but more importantly – Kate Upton. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit model took part in this year’s Taco Bell Legends & Celebrity Softball Game, which featured “A-list celebrities, athletes and MLB legends” but seeing as the participating “celebrities” were Greg Gunberg, Chord Overstreet and Jason Aldean, we’ll go easy on that A-list label.

The score suggests that the National League team, featuring Mark Grace, Larry Fitzgerald and Ozzie Smith, defeated the American League team 5-3. However, the AL team had Upton and Erin Andrews, so that’s pretty much an automatic win. Sure, the NL team had Jennie Finch and Jordin Sparks, but come on – Kate Upton. Seriously. Kate. Upton.

And that brings me to today’s thought. I can understand the point of having guys like Overstreet, Aldean, and Nick Jonas in the softball game, because they have some current star power. But why not just load the rosters with girls like Upton, Jessica Stam, Chanel Iman, and Chrissy Teigen, who is friends with Andrews and Upton and Tweeted about the damn game enough that she should have been there? Last time I checked, baseball was America’s game, and our America likes very attractive women.

After the jump, check out Upton, Andrews, Sparks, Jennie Finch, and the other, far-less-important celebrities from last night’s Legends & Celebrity Softball Game.

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Ever since I was a young St. Louis Cardinals fan, and therefore generally regarded as a classier and more intelligent young baseball fan, I have gotten a kick out of the idea of having celebrities throw out a ceremonial first pitch. Watching male celebrities throw baseballs like they are battling through a lovebug swarm is an unparalleled joy for me, and no matter how many times some actor makes an ass out of himself in front of a crowd of thousands, teams keep inviting them and these celebrities keep answering the calls. (My joy turns to rage, though, when these same actors try to play baseball players in movies, because nobody wants to see Freddie Prinze, Jr. show off his 52-mph antics and pretend like he could score Jessica Biel.)

But while I enjoy watching the men make asses of themselves, it’s the opposite when the ladies take the mound (awesome sports porn film title, BTW). Take Avril Lavigne, for instance, as she threw out the first pitch as a Tampa Bay Rays game over the weekend, in case you didn’t read yet another outstanding installment of The Dugout below. Avril and her Hot Topic “riot grrl” demeanor became yet another sad example of the female celebrities who throw out a first pitch and go from cute to disappointing-but-still-bangable in just seconds. I don’t know how to describe it other than it’s like the first time you witness a girl fart.

Like I said, I don’t care if a guy makes an ass of himself, but with all those players readily available, does nobody step up and offer the ladies some assistance to at least make an effort? Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the standard for every girl. Some of them really pull it off, but others are just flat out DERPtastic, as you can see after the jump.

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