If you’d stumbled upon an off-key parody song about Dwight Howard throwing the Orlando Magic under the bus set to Cee Lo Green’s 2010 hit ‘F**k Forget You,’ you’d probably say “wow, this is dumb,” followed by “this must be pretty old” and “some weird Internet guy made this.” But no, here is a Dwight Howard ‘Forget You’ parody song made with South Park technology released YESTERDAY by THE ORLANDO NEWSPAPER.

No, for real.

Dwight Howard’s ex-Orlando Magic teammates channel Cee-Lo Green to deliver a message for their departed Superman and the hated Los Angeles Lakers. Produced by Rich Pope, Sean Pitts and Todd Stewart. (via Orlando Sentinel)

I don’t even know what to say. As a sports blogger, my brain is set to “make fun of people who still make Harlem Shake videos” right now, and if I see a ‘Gangnam Style’ or ‘Call Me Maybe’ parody I get to deride whoever made it for being sloth dinosaurs. How do I even BEGIN to handle the Orlando Sentinel aping a hit so old that ‘Glee’ covered it TWO YEARS AGO?

Holy shit, Orlando Sentinel, get your shit together.

[h/t to Sportress]

"Yes, you - the lowly, pathetic ant in the back of the room pretending like I should even acknowledge you."

In case you were trying to block it out of your mind, or if you have simply pretended that the Super Bowl hasn’t had a halftime show since 2004, Madonna is performing a 12-minute set at Super Bowl XLVI on Sunday. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the NFL believed that we wanted to see a 53-year old woman in fishnet stockings perform osteoporosis-friendly dance moves while lip syncing 30-year old songs, she also had a chance to speak with reporters yesterday in Indianapolis, and I hate to say it, but I think we’ve had Madge all wrong.

Golly, I reckon she’s just a small town girl tryin’ to make a dream come true so she can tell her pa that she finally made it, gosh darn shuck ‘em.

“This is a Midwesterner girl’s dream to be performing at the Super Bowl halftime show,” said Madonna, who was born in Bay City, Michigan.

“In over 25 years of performing that I’ve done, I have never worked so hard or been so scrupulous or detail-oriented or freaked out as much as I have … trying to make the most major show at this Super Bowl,” she added. (Via Reuters)

I can’t even imagine the insane prep work that goes into picking out a medley of old songs and sending them to a producer with a note that reads: “Make modern, K?” Luckily, she’s receiving some performance help from younger, hipper artists like Cee Lo Green, Nicki Minaj and LMFAO. So basically, you could staple live squirrels to your nude body and you still wouldn’t be the worst dressed person at the Super Bowl.

But we’re being too tough on Madonna, who spent at least a decade pretending to be British. This performance, she said, is the one thing that she’ll have done in her career that her father would be most proud of. When asked for comment, her father’s spirit responded, “Yeah, no sh*t.”

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Your now standard pre-report bullet points.

- As always, you are this column’s voice. Please take the time to drop a comment if you read, and know that you sharing it with your friends (who are hopefully sane, like-minded individuals who appreciate attempts at entertaining wrestling writing on the Internet) is the coolest thing ever and deeply appreciated by the author. I also like “likes” and retweets and +1s, but not as much. Okay, I’m lying, I need those too.

- I paid $55 for this and did not stream it illegally on the Internet. That’s why the screen caps are so pixelated, I have an old TV. I mean a new one. Whichever excuse you believe. Also, to my knowledge, everyone involved in this PPV was 18-or-more years old. And no animals were harmed, unless you count Michael Cole’s weird thing against vegan athletes.

- I don’t have a third bullet point, so I’ll use this space to say “keep Derrick Bateman on NXT”. I don’t know how redemption points work, I don’t know how long this season is supposed to run (we’re on week 40-something right now, I think) and I’m still not 100% on how to vote, but do what you can to keep this guy on WWE TV. Even if it’s WWE TV on the Internet.

Enjoy the Best and Worst of Summerslam.

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Similarly to last week, I’d like to cover a few things before we begin.

1. If you like these reports, be sure to click the Best and Worst of Raw tag and read through some of the old editions. I build on a lot of previous points and try not to repeat myself too much, so checking out the older columns helps fill in some of the jokes. If you don’t want to do that, here are my jokes: Kelly Kelly is awesome, I don’t ever want to see Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler again, and … well, actually I think that’s all of them.

2. I’m trying to create a community of people who don’t think I’m stupid for covering wrestling, so if you read this, please consider sharing it with other wrestling fans, “liking” it, giving it a +1 (we have a button for that now) and, most importantly, leaving a comment. Comments are the only way I can tell if I’m doing a good job, and they help me put my own opinions into context. I actually give a sh** about what you say, and you can’t say that about 99% of people writing about wrestling on the Internet.

3. Kaitlyn still hasn’t called me. What the hell, you guys.

4. If you’re the type who just clicks through for these reports, yes, we just redesigned, so there’s a lot more white. A lot more white. If you think hard enough, a rack of machine guns comes flying out from either side of the column. It’s pretty cool, so stick with it.

Enjoy.

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I’m hyperbolic about … basically everything.

The title of “best pay-per-view of all time” is a hard one to bestow. A lot of people will say Wrestlemania 3, or Wrestlemania 10, or Wrestlemania X-7. As an NWA kid, I might say Starrcade ’85, or The Great American Bash ’89. Maybe Wrestlewar ’92. That’s lofty company, and I don’t want to sound hyperbolic when I say that last night’s Money in the Bank show seems like it’s as good as any of them. How do I come to terms with that? How do you admit that this new thing is just as good as the old stuff you’ve been building a love on your entire life?

I am a nerd about wrestling on the Internet, and to me, it was wonder.

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