Remember back in August when Anderson Silva appeared in a Burger King commercial, lauding the simplicity of having his dick in a cheeseburger? Apparently “Anderson Silva is weird about sex” is his best idea for a commercial, because Ford Brazil has given us that clip’s spiritual successor — hopefully only part two in a trilogy of increasingly-confusing sexual assaults.

Anyway, the plot (copied and pasted from the IMDB entry): A car-shopping man can’t remember enough information about the cars he’s buying and must pretend he’s under pressure to do so. At first he imagines he’s going to get beaten up by Silva unless he explains the Ford’s options (two year warranty, portable DVD, gas pass) and it works, but he gets trapped in the fantasy, and when he puts the moves on his girlfriend we jump back into dude’s head and see The Spider putting the moves on him, trying to force him into a threeway with the BK Stacker. Maybe he misinterpreted the term “gas pass”.

And you know, I think I’d honestly rather see him Dodge Ramming this guy than watch him do another Bieber-side Shuffle.

[h/t Cage Potato]

Normally I leave the television you can write about without expressed, written consent to Warming Glow, but the first episode of ‘StuntBusters’ debuts Tuesday night on Speed and I felt it contained the right amounts of things exploding and women in heels surfing the hoods of cars to justify itself as a sports recommendation.

If the headline synopsis didn’t do it for you, perhaps the hilariously-direct “viewers can expect to see us blowin’ up cars” in the clip will win you over. Worst case scenario, you’ll watch it and go “oh wow who is this blonde lady” and google “Vanessa Vander Pluym” for the next forty minutes*.

A quick synopsis from the official website:

Stuntbusters is going to explore and explode motoring myths as we reveal the facts and figures behind the latest, fastest and hottest automotive technology on earth! Join our two fearless human crash test dummy stunt drivers, Garrett Hammond and Vanessa Vander Pluym, as they take it to the redline and beyond using our high-tech test lab equipped with cutting edge automotive technology and eye-popping graphic interfaces. Each high-octane experiment will be captured at one thousand frames per second; allowing us to slow the action down and dive into the physics behind the vehicular carnage!

I have it on good review-copy authority that future episodes of the show feature men on fire, people shooting guns at cars to make them explode (for science!) and a standard 99% chance of someone blowing something up and walking away from it without looking back. For science. I know that sometimes I walk a progressive line with this blog, but I hope we never get to the point where beautiful people firing rifles into gas tanks becomes a thing we don’t want to see.

For archiving reasons I am re-purposing this website as a chart for all the times this show makes me go “oh sh*t” at my television.

*She played Stacy in the ‘Parks and Recreation’ episode ‘The Banquet’!

If LeBron James hadn’t spent so long in Cleveland, I think this lady would be the worst person to ever rep Ohio.

Sports

@Storytime with Darnell Dockett Part 2: The Casey Anthony Trial - Be sure to check out Dockett’s second live blog of important legal events, this one featuring a cameo from Kim Kardashian, a discussion about how much Casey Anthony is gonna be murdered and a small boy in extremely tight pajamas. [With Leather]

First Look: Nike Air Max LeBron 8 V2 Low “South Beach” - That thing about LeBron under the header was a joke, so please don’t try to hunt me down and kill me in real life. Although honestly LeBron and Casey aren’t that different. They both took way too long to reach a decision. [Smoking Section]

The Best and Worst of Raw 7/4 - If you didn’t read the column this week I dissected the emotional range of Vince McMahon, explained Kelly Kelly’s offense in terms of stiff independent workers and compared Evan Bourne to a Squirtle. Even if you don’t like wrestling you’d probably enjoy this thing. [With Leather]

Funny or Die’s Field of Dreams 2: A Breakdown - We put up a post about it yesterday, too, but KSK goes second-by-second through the trailer and points out every time Ray Lewis hilariously tackles someone (spoiler: a lot). [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Not Sports

The Top 10 Floppiest Flops of 2011 - My definition of a flop and the Internet’s are two different things. These days if you don’t make a billion dollars people call you a flop. Like “LOL booster gold the movie cost 80 million to make and only made 120 at the box office what a florp”. Natalie Portman (star of Your Higness, which is on this list) is our Lovely Lady of the Bottom Half today for committing the film equivalent of Casey Anthony, going from Black Swan to Ashton Kutcher Presents F**kpalz. [Film Drunk]

Patton Oswalt’s Rejected Pitches To DC Comics - Wow, that previous link got really long. Here’s a comedian pitching crummy ideas to a comic book company. [Gamma Squad]

The Best And Worst Of #AskObama - I got looped into this, and ended up doing an #AskObama about how I’d want to marry Flo from the Progressive commercials. I have not yet figured out what this has to do with Our President. [Uproxx]

Picture Me Rollin: 50 Rap Songs About Cars - Rap songs are like John Fogerty songs, there’s always one part you can barely understand. It’ll be going along fine, and then Mystikal (or whoever) will be all, “droppin funny in my runny smoke swift wit da snag fo”. I just assume that part is about cars. [Smoking Section]

We didn’t do a full day of updates yesterday, so we missed out on a few important stories, including the wedding of Tony Romo (aka “the only way he’s ever going to get a ring”) or Man U vs Barcelona in the UEFA Champions League Finals (neither team won), but the most important thing we missed is this video from the Indy 500, wherein a guy in a car drives down a big for-real Hot Wheels track and breaks a world record. It’s cool, but not as cool as that time I drove my big wheel down the hill.

From the YouTube description:

The Yellow Driver of Team Hot Wheels breaks the world record for distance jump in a four-wheeled vehicle at the Indianapolis 500 on May 29th 2011. Watch as the Yellow Driver, Tanner Foust, drops 10 stories down 90 feet of orange track and soars 332 feet through the air.

Of course a guy named “Tanner Foust” would want to drive on a life-size Hot Wheels track. Now that we’ve played out this exercise in American excess, we should concentrate on more pressing issues, such as building a stunt track around an active volcano or creating a car that changes color when it drives through water. Or maybe our President can finally get around to pulling all of our G.I. Joes out of the Middle East.

These things are called “V8 Supercars,” and they’re sort of like the Australian version of NASCAR, only they aren’t piloted by Larry the Driving Guy and can turn both left and right. What you see here, specifically, is an exploding V8 Supercar and an Australian guy trying to escape a bunch of fire without dying. I guess “resistance to fire” isn’t one of your Supercar’s super powers. The last time I saw a car explode like that it had my beautiful teenage Italian bride inside.

The driver in question is Karl Reindler, Australian superdriver, and he managed to escape the explosion with only minor burns. If that’d been an American guy driving he would’ve hurt himself before the car blew up.

[Viva SBN by way of Jay Busbee]

As Jim Tressel was booking his flight for a mandatory NCAA compliance seminar next month, more questions arose over the integrity of the Ohio State football coach’s program. The school announced over the weekend that they would be reviewing car sales from two Columbus-area dealerships to at least eight Ohio State football players and their families. More than 50 sales from 2004 to 2010 will be under investigation.

Public records show that in 2009, a 2-year-old Chrysler 300 with less than 20,000 miles was titled to then-sophomore linebacker Thaddeus Gibson. Documents show the purchase price as $0.

Mauk could not explain it. “I don’t give cars for free,” he said. Gibson said he was unaware the title on his car showed zero as the sales price. “I paid for the car, and I’m still paying for it,” he said, declining to answer further questions.

–Columbus Dispatch.

To be fair, that’s about as much as I would pay for an American car these days.

But the Buckeyes are giving us an argument to bring the NCAA’s death penalty–a one-year ban from competition–back to Division I football for the first time since Texas’s Southern Methodist got the chair in 1987.

If both this and the “Tat Five” investigations are determined by the NCAA to be major violations, Ohio State would be slapped with the “repeat violator” label, placing the football program within the proper criteria for such a ban. Of course, Jim Tressel probably knew all about this, but just wasn’t sure who to tell about it. Oh, quiet Jimmy. I bet when he was nine years old, he was a Catholic priest’s wet dream.