In an announcement akin to holding a Christmas present that feels like it’s jeans and opening it to find out that, yep, it’s jeans, the Carolina Panthers have made rookie Cam Newton their official Week 1 starter against the Arizona Cardinals. To date, Newton has thrown one (1) 10-yard touchdown pass in handful of preseason appearances, but according to Panthers head coach Ron Rivera, that speaks for itself.

“It speaks for itself,” Rivera said. “With what Cam’s done and the direction we’re headed with this football team, in all honesty he is our starter. He is going to grow as a starter and we’re going to grow as a football team. It’s not just about him. It’s about the rest of us growing in our system.

“We didn’t draft Cam to the be savior. We drafted him to help lead this football team.”

Derek Anderson will be his back-up, with Jimmy Clausen sitting in the locker room somewhere practicing his John 16:33 facepaint, because Carolina totally needed a Tim Tebow that no one wants.

Unless you count the time he sang Justin Bieber in public, nothing about Cam Newton’s preseason was damning. Normal rookie mistakes, like locking onto receivers early, throwing into double-coverage and not being able to accurately hit a three-man target. He’s got a strong arm, he moves well and he looks more confident every time he plays … and if the Panthers really wanted the lowest-possible-rent Michael Vick, why not go ahead and start him?

“I did but I didn’t expect anything given to me. It doesn’t stop here. I can’t sit back and say I’ve arrived because we have a long way to go,” said Newton.

Some people are looking at the situation a little differently.

Read the rest of this entry »

"I'm just a man, damn it!"

FACT: There’s not a thing to be learned by watching a preseason NFL game. However, and this is something that is often ignored by the casual fan – the media doesn’t give a crap. And neither do I, so I figured we could talk about this past weekend’s games to pass this slow, boring Monday along. As always, I would like to point out that I do not profess to be an expert, merely a conversationalist with a love for potty humour. So please, offer your retorts and counterpoints in the comments and I’ll throw some more Earl Gray on the stove.

1) Alex Smith looked like, well, Alex Smith

To be fair, the San Francisco 49ers have never really given Alex Smith much to work with. But this isn’t about being fair, as much as it’s about winning. So far, Smith still doesn’t look like he wants to be the franchise QB that the 49ers thought he could be when they drafted him 6 years ago.

New coach Jim Harbaugh still hasn’t named a starter for Week 1, but neither of his guys – Smith or rookie Colin Kaepernick – were impressive against the New Orleans Saints. Smith was 2/7 for 10 yards while Kaepernick was 9/19 for 117 yards and 2 INTs. So how bad is it for the 49ers? They’re kicking the tires on Daunte Culpepper. At first glance, it’s incredible desperation. But deeper down, it’s probably to mentor Kaepernick, who is very similar to Culpepper.

Either way, don’t count San Fran out of the Suck for Luck sweepstakes.

UPDATE: And it looks like Culpepper is officially back in the NFL. The 9ers intend for him to play 3rd string and mentor Kaepernick, but as a fellow UCF product, I’d like to see Pepp roll one more time.

Read the rest of this entry »

Today’s CBS Sports interview with Cam Newton features this line, a paragraph unto itself only two paragraphs down, and tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

Maybe that’s who Newton is: A kid in a man’s body.

“Maybe Cam Newton is like a smart-ish dog, but he looks like people.” Cam Newton is a robot, but not a very good one. You get the idea.

You think this thing about Newton (complete with a “Newton’s Theory” headline) is going to be ridiculous enough by itself, but oh, oh no, Cam Newton is always the most ridiculous part of a Cam Newton story. During the lockout, the Carolina Panthers organization sent Cam an Idiot’s Guide to Offense version of their playbook to help him ease into his career as an hilariously over-his-head NFL quarterback. When he got to camp he got a copy of the real playbook — the real playbook featuring a new offense, and he’s got about 40 seconds to learn it. Anyone would have trouble adjusting to that, but Cam was able to express his troubles with a wonderful comparison:

Newton’s head is spinning. Due to the lockout, the Panthers are forced to install a new offense at an accelerated pace. Newton had a playbook during the lockout to study, but he said it was a far cry from what he has now.

“That’s Dr. Seuss compared to doggone Shakespeare,” he said.

I also would’ve accepted “the playbook they sent me was Marmaduke, and this is dad-gum Doonsbury!” It makes you wonder what the book they sent him looked like. I wonder if it was just “throw football” written on a Post-It.

Cam Newton of the Carolina Panthers has it all. He won a Heisman Trophy, he was drafted first overall, and now he’s all over the Internet singing Justin Bieber’s “Baby.” Of course, to hear “Baby” is to sing it facetiously. There’s nothing more fun than doing the monotone, Rebecca Black-esque “bay-beh, bay-beh bay-beh” part and then going OOOHHHHH like somebody stabbed you center-ass with a fire iron. Try it, the more dramatic the “ooh,” the funnier the “bay-behs.”

If you stick around through the Bieber, you get to see Cam freestyle, which is somehow even more embarrassing and less masculine than singing “Baby.”

[via Orlando Sentinel]

Lobster Dog was just as shocked as anyone when the Houston Texans selected Mario Williams.

Originally, I was going to put together a first round mock draft to pretend like I had any clue how the 2011 NFL Draft was going to unfold and thankfully I talked myself out of kidding myself. Besides, all I have time to do is worry about the Miami Dolphins selecting Christian Ponder with the 15th pick tonight. Seriously, if that happens I will fully endorse the lockout until he’s old enough to retire. But that’s the fun of the NFL Draft – speculation, worrying, complaining, crying, protesting, cursing, stamping feet, blaming girlfriends, threatening lives, hoping players are hit by buses. You know, all the best of the “in good fun” stuff.

Instead of making predictions so you all can call me wrong – or more wrong than usual – or trying to outbest the best in mock draft coverage at Kissing Suzy Kolber, I figured I’d collect the latest and last of the big first round rumors before this little fun party begins.

Read the rest of this entry »

Jimmy Clausen has been one of the worst quarterbacks in the NFL this season, and that’s not hyperbole. Look at this. He really is terrible at just about everything. Two touchdowns and eight interceptions. At this point, just rename the Panthers to the Carolina SMHs. Excuse me, let me pick up that Internet lingo I dropped down.

Some dude named Steve Reed at Carolina Growl did a comparison Stanford QB Andrew Luck, most certainly the No. 1 draft pick this year, to Clausen. As a sidenote, Luck hasn’t declared for the draft yet, as he isn’t sure if he wants to deal with the pros in a year where there might not even be football.

Let’s look at my favorite categories he compared:

What they say about him
Luck: CBS Sports draft analyst Rob Rang called Luck the best prospect he’s ever scouted.
Clausen: Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith said of Clausen, “He has a lot to learn (about being an NFL quarterback). He’s not at Notre Dame anymore.”

Education
Luck: Is getting a degree in architectural design and has a 3.5 GPA at Stanford.
Clausen: Graduated from Notre Dame in May with a bachelor of arts degree in sociology.

Here’s a last category I created:

Is Jimmy Clausen
Luck: No
Clausen: Yes

To sum it up, everyone loves Luck, and Clausen’s own teammates think he sucks. Also, Luck is really smart, and Clausen got a degree in sociology. Bachelor of arts? More like bachelor of FARTS! Seriously, this is the quality cut of comedy you get from me.

I know you’re supposed to give time for young quarterbacks to develop, but there’s a difference between having some things to smooth out and just being downright awful. Clausen was never projected to be a stellar quarterback and was never really that impressive in college anyway, in his stats or in his leadership. Should Luck declare, there’s no way he doesn’t get picked first. Clausen can find a great career in the form of a UFL jersey. If Luck doesn’t declare? Kyle Orton, you’re our winner tonight! Come on down!