Continuing in the great tradition of Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s using very attractive celebrity women to help sell their otherwise terrifyingly high-calorie sandwiches, Carl’s will debut a new commercial later this month starring 39-year old walking Fountain of Youth, Heidi Klum. Sure, you could say that this has absolutely nothing to do with sports, but I can name two athletes named Carl – Edwards and Yastrzemski – so I’ve covered my bases.

The theme of Klum’s commercial is the classic film, The Graduate, which is awesome, because it should be every college-aged male’s dream to be seduced by a woman as amazingly attractive as Klum and afford a hamburger. And like all good commercials these days, Carl’s Jr. went behind the scenes with Klum to tell you what goes into making a 30-second spot about food. Trust me, it’s as fascinating as you think.

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Over the weekend, one of the most controversial subjects we’ve ever debated on this site came to a head, as Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model and 2011 With Leather Celebrity Sports Fan of the Year Kate Upton finally openly discussed the elephant in the room. And obviously that elephant is her, because she’s a fatty fatty two-by-four, can’t fit through the kitchen door.

Obviously I’m being facetious, but people on these here Interwebs are still trying to give Upton a complex about her curves, and I’ll say it a million times over – if Kate Upton is fat, then Kirstie Alley is a f*cking planet.

Over the weekend, though, Upton’s latest endorsement deal didn’t necessarily help her cause, as Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s released their newest commercial for the Southwest Patty Melt, featuring Upton forever altering the way we will look at our girlfriends as they eat hamburgers. I hope the people responsible for all of Geico’s commercials watch this ad and then think long and hard about their next screaming pig commercial. Seriously, guys, cut it out already.

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And now for the best thing you’ll read all day: an exclusive interview conducted by Fox News (of all people) about how Kate Upton is the new spokesperson for Hardees and Carls Jr. restaurants, featuring this thing about how she has to take off her clothes if her food is hot.

Uh,

Despite the chilly 50 degree temperature, Upton got things hot and bothered on the set. “It’s the Southwest Patty Melt, and it’s one of their classics, but now they’re adding a little spice–adding some jalapeños and making it a little bit hotter,” explained Upton. “I’m a ‘50s girl with a little cardigan on, a really sweet kind of a girl. But then I take a bite and all of a sudden, I’m sweating, and I’m taking off all of my clothes and I’m in my lingerie!”

And now, the phrase “erotic burger arts”.

Upton said her family firmly supports her venture in the erotic burger arts – up to a point. “Of course, I told them and they’re very excited about the commercial,” she said. “They realize that I can turn on the sexy, and they were probably like, ‘Tone it down!’”

With a knockout figure to maintain, the Southwest Patty Melt remains only an occasional indulgence for Upton. “I love burgers, but I definitely can’t have them every day,” she said. “It’s a special treat, for sure. Maybe once a week.”

This isn’t going to do a lot to help that “ugh look at how fat Kate Upton is” self-esteem-destroying meme we’ve got going in our comments sections, is it?

Watching Kate shove the highest quality of the low quality hamburgers in her mouth isn’t doing anything for me specifically — it sorta feels the way it feels whenever she shows up somewhere in a Yankees hat — but if they keep putting her in commercials I’ll drive to my local Carl’s Jr. and drop off a $20 in their drive-thru every week as tithes.

Another pic of Kate holding food she doesn’t eat in real life is after the jump. Video will follow as soon as humanly possible.

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