A late start today means that this story has spread like a, um, wildfire… but nevertheless, I feel compelled to speak of the plight of one "A.B.," a teenage girl who's suing the St Louis Cardinals for helping spread nasty rumors about her, rumors that spread like, uhhhh, room-temperature butter on a hot piece of toast.

The message appeared on a scoreboard that allows fans to display custom remarks via their cell phones. According to the lawsuit, she was at a game with her high school in May 2006 when a female classmate sent the offending message.

It claimed the plaintiff “has an STD! Eww!” [...] Almost all of her friends were at the game, the suit says, and afterwards “boys that she was friends with would no longer associate” with her.

There's an entire treatment clinic full of jokes I could tell here, but since it's the USMC birthday, I'll share a story instead: a Marine I knew came home early from a six-month deployment on a MEU because he got an STD in his eye.  He had brokered a deal with a Thai hooker and wore a condom during the act, but it was hot in the room, and it's not like you stop having sex to wash your hands when you wipe sweat out of your eyes.

So keep that in mind when you go to Thailand: condoms are essential, but don't forget rubber gloves and goggles too.  It sounds like a lot of work, but you should already have those on hand if you're planning ahead to get rid of the body. 

[Deadspin and everyone else] 

Just hours after Rick Ankiel powered the Cardinals to another win with two home runs and 7 RBI against the Pirates, the New York Daily News revealed that Ankiel received a shipment of human growth hormone in 2004.

According to records obtained by The News and sources close to the controversy surrounding anti-aging clinics that dispense illegal prescription drugs, Ankiel received eight shipments of HGH from Signature Pharmacy in Orlando from January to December 2004, including the brand-name injectable drugs Saizen and Genotropin.

This may be the last straw that forever taints baseball with zzzzzzzzzzzzz. 

Wha?  Oh.  Anyway.  Deadspin's got a nice, heartfelt piece on this, if that's what you need to set your mind at peace in the wake of this earth-shattering revelation.  You know what would set my mind at peace?  A license to kill.  You want some change, do ya?  *BLAM!*

The Minnesota Twins' Scott Baker almost threw a perfect game last night:

[W]ith a Metrodome crowd of 24,986 cheering, he went to a 3-0 count leading off on John Buck. Buck took a strike before the next pitch went inside and plate umpire Jim Wolf called ball four. "I thought the first one was borderline," Baker said. "But the umpire did a fantastic job . . . All I can say is when you have a child or something of that nature, it just puts things in perspective."

Travis Henry agrees – it lends the perspective that perfect games are a mundane, everyday occurrence just like fathering a child.  But wait, doesn't John Buck play for the Kansas City Royals?  I could have thrown a perfect game against them last night, and I was bloated with 2 cans of whipped cream and half a fifth of whiskey.  Bachelor parties are fun.

In other MLB news, the Cardinals acquired Russell Branyan and his 199 K's per 500 ABs from the Phillies for the playoff push.  Smart thinking.  And the Chicago Cubs picked up Steve Trachsel, which is just fucking great.  This move means that the Cubs' NL Central championship will be longer and more excruciating to witness, especially every 5th day.  Of course, if they are passed by the Brewers or St. Louis, it will prolong North Side fans' agony.  Either way, watching college football will be slightly more exciting than seeing Trachs deliver the ball every 52 seconds. -KD      

Former pitching prospect turned head case turned failure turned outfield prospect Rick Ankiel made his re-debut as a Cardinal last night, hitting a three-run homer that powered St. Louis past the Padres 5-0.  It was kind of surprising that the Cardinals called up Ankiel at all — they are, after all, firmly ensconced below .500, and Ankiel had only hit 32 home runs in Triple-A this season.  It just didn't make any sense to bring a young power hitter into the lineup.

But anyway.  As expected, people were all giddy that a guy whose promising career imploded has been reincarnated at a different position.  Tony LaRussa:

"Short of winning the World Series, it's the happiest I've seen our club. I'm fighting my butt off to keep it together. Next to striking out [Brandon Inge to win the World Series], that's the happiest I've been in this uniform."

And here I was thinking Adam Wainwright got the last out of the series last year.  I had no idea it was LaRussa on the mound.  That LaRussa!  So versatile.  A baseball genius, really.

The Cardinals scored all ten of their runs in the fifth inning last night, chasing David Wells and sending them on to a 10-5 victory.

Much more interesting: Padres play-by-play man Matt Vasgersian made some off-the-cuff remarks about St. Louis that will almost certainly land him in hot water.  From Awful Announcing (edited for clarity):

[I've] had it with this place already… [about the fans] Get back in your El Camino and drive back to the ozarks… [faint] I'm done with this place.  I'm so tired of losing here.  It's hotter than shit.  We get our asses kicked every time we come here. I'm not coming here next year.

What a shame.  What a shame that he'll get in trouble for speaking the truth.  San Diego is paradise on Earth and St. Louis is the muggy armpit of the Midwest.  Hell, JoeSportsFan has a weekly feature that produces photos of Cards fans like the one seen here.  You tell me: is this guy from Ladue or the Ozarks?  And yet it's Vasgersian who will be punished because St. Louis sucks.  

Well Matt, at least you won't be going to St. Louis next year.

Refreshingly candid update: Vasgersian emailed AA directly with a sensible explanation.

The Philadelphia Phillies suffered their 10,000th all-time loss last night to the St. Louis Cardinals after the Redbirds roughed up Adam Eaton for 6 runs in 4+ innings.  The Fightin' Phils became the first professional baseball team and the first professional sports franchise ever to lose that many games.  That is saying a lot since the Cincinnati Reds and the Chicago White Stockings/Colts/Orphans/Cubs are charter members of the National League which began in 1876, 7 years before the Philadelphia Quakers compiled a 17-81-1 record in their inaugural season of 1883.  That can't be right, can it?  It seems like the Cubs have lost at least 10,000 games in my lifetime, and the Philadelphians have won 3 pennants and 1 World Series.  However, the Phils only won 2 league championships from 1901 to 1980 (in 1915 and 1950) and no world titles.  Only 2 pennants in 70 years, who did these guys think they were, the Chicago White Sox?

Contributing factors to this ignominious record include playing in the shadow of Connie Mack's mighty Philadelphia A's squad for over 5 decades.  Also, Phillies owner William Baker raised the right field fence 20 feet in 1915 so he wouldn't have to pay Gavvy Cravath more money.  Old Gavvy was hitting home runs at an alarming rate over the right field wall that was only 280' from home plate in the Baker Bowl.  Smart thinking, and we complain about cheap owners. -KD