As a Mariners fan, I tolerated Joel Piñeiro's mediocrity for years, and I was never once rewarded with him doing something as cool as this play. I guess crappy ex-Mariners just get cooler when they move to St. Louis and play for the Cardinals. Like Scott Spiezio. I would have been much happier if he drank himself out of the league before hitting .215 for the M's. And that was his good season with Seattle.
In conclusion, Spiezio sucks. And I wish Pineirio well… in that I don't wish him any specific harm.
THIS GUY'S FUNNY – Here's a video of Carlos Zambrano hitting people with 95+ mph fastballs. My favorite part is when the people get hit with the fastballs. Part of a series of spoofs, catch the rest here.
DAVID BECKHAM HAS A GOLDEN IPOD — "The gold 32 gigabyte ipod ran the team £600 ($1188) and is sure to be filled with Spice Girls hits." So I guess Spice Girls hits take up 16 gigs of disk space?
THEIR CULTURE IS SIMPLE AND INFERIOR — Masai warriors running the London marathon have been instructed in a four-page pamphlet to wear pants and not urinate in public during their time in the British Isles. Way to kill the buzz, pamphlet.
EIGHT-MINUTE STANDS-CLEARING BRAWL — Courtesy of organized thugs disguised as fans at a Brazilian futsal match. Complete with tear gas, batons, uprooted arena seats, and tables as makeshift shields. Fun for the whole family!
Cardinals utility man Scott Spiezio, best known for his totally zany dyed-red goatee/soul patch that endeared him to thousands of dim-witted St. Louisans (not to mention hitting .215 and .064 for the Mariners in consecutive years), has been released in the wake of getting charged with six different crimes, including DUI, hit and run, and assault with a deadly weapon other than a firearm.
According to a release issued by the Orange County district attorney's office, Spiezio attempted to drive home after having "several vodka drinks" at a bar in Newport Beach, Calif. The release charges that Spiezio sped, veered across several lanes and through oncoming traffic before driving over a curb and hitting a fence.
Further, the release states that Spiezio is accused of fleeing the wreck on foot, running to his condominium complex in Irvine, Calif., and visiting a friend's home. From there, per the statement, Spiezio vomited in his friend's room, grew angry when confronted about doing so and attacked the friend.
Spiezio faces up to two years in the hoosegow, but assholes like Spiezio never go to prison. He'll just get probation and counseling and then go wild with the $2.3 million owed on his contract this year, plus an extra 100 grand when the Cards buy out the rest of the contract. So kids, remember: go ahead and drink and drive and beat up your friends. You'll probably just get 2.4 million dollars and a yearlong vacation.
The St. Louis Cardinals will trade Jim Edmonds and $1 million to the San Diego Padres for minor league third baseman David Freese pending approval form the Commissioner's office. Great, just what the anemic Padres' offense needs, a high-average hitter in the prime of his career. I imagine Jim will get at least 100 at-bats before he injures himself show-boating on a routine catch in the outfield. The Padres traded for this dynamic star because they couldn't come to terms with Mike Cameron, who may go to the Cardinals now. Wow, exciting. This is like if Mickey Mantle was traded for Willie Mays.
Anyway, can Russell Branyan play outfield? Because no one has signed Geoff Jenkins yet, and with Mike Cameron on the market, one major league team has the opportunity to create the 500 Strikeout outfield. That would be awesome. Can you imagine the 3-4-5 batters going 0 for 12 with a dozen Ks? (Note: This exercise will be easier for Cubs fans.) In other thrilling Hot Stove action, the Diamondbacks traded for Dan Haren from the A's and some other guys from the Astros. Have fun reading about it – I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon researching the highest K total for an outfield in MLB history or looking at porn. -KD
Tony LaRussa pleaded guilty and took full responsibility the other day for the charges of his DUI arrest eight months ago. And the local Florida police department awesomely released the video of his arrest. It starts out hilariously, as he claims that he was asleep at the wheel because he got up early and had only two glasses of wine. Then it gets kind of depressing after he gets put in the squad car and gets further testing at the police station.
True story: Friday, June 15, 2001. The day I graduated from armor school at crappy-ass Fort Knox. I got up extremely early that morning, went for a run, had a little graduation ceremony, then finished packing all of my stuff to drive to California. That night, a friend (commenter "ihopethisgetsmattmoney") and I went out in Louisville. I was driving, so I only had two gin and tonics over the span of two-plus hours, while my friend got loaded. On the way back, with my friend passed out, I started nodding off behind the wheel, and a cop pulled me over on Highway 31W in a stretch of dry county that's dry because a drunk driver killed a family or a busload of kids or something. Not exactly friendly territory. Faced with the possibility of a DUI, I was INSTANTLY wide awake. Then I passed all of the field sobriety tests because I was only sleepy, not drunk.
