Brandon and I were trading emails yesterday, discussing our respective regional weather calamities (me = underwater, him = on fire), when he asked if I could help him out with a feature or a couple posts today. I responded, “I’ll try to do a feature if I see something worthwhile. I promise. If not I’ll probably end up doing something stupid like a series of five posts about my favorite Phillies players and what I think they smell like. (CHASE UTLEY SMELLS LIKE GRITS BEHCUZ HE’S GRITTY!)” I then went to bed laughing to myself about what a funny joke I just told, and tried to think about something that I could turn into a feature.

However, because Brandon is a delightful maniac, not only did he thank me for offering to help, he strongly encouraged me to follow through with my joke idea. So here we are. Instead of just doing Phillies, however, I’ve branched out to cover the whole major leagues. This is easily the stupidest and/or best thing I’ve ever done.

[Ed. note -- Be sure to tell us what you think players who didn't make Danger's list probably smell like in the comments section. The best one wins a prize, which will probably be scratch-n-sniff stickers]

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For every beginning there is an end.

That’s the tagline for Final Destination 2. In case part of their audience considered that philosophy, the second tagline is

More Speed. More Horror. More Death.

…and I’m guessing “these people are dying and Lol it is crazy” is right behind. Anyway, The Dugout returns (in 3-D! Not really) with part two of SFinal Destination, from guest writer Bill Hanstock. If you didn’t read part one, please be sure to do so before reading today’s strip because it picks up right where part one left off without any exposition. Kinda like Final Destination 2. The real humor in this is knowing that while the injuries have been exaggerated a bit, literally everything going on in these comics happened in real life. Even Brian Wilson’s face.

Please click through and enjoy the comic. The thrilling conclusion happens tomorrow.

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Sports

Carlos Beltran To The Giants - Hopefully by “Giants” they mean “Cleveland Indians”. Jason Fry (as always) said it best, via his Twitter: “Watching Beltran’s final #Mets AB. Hope #sfgiants fans appreciate him more than WFAN morons did. Those of us with a clue will miss him”. [Yardbarker]

Camp Ryan is Back in Business - It’s sort of like a Dugout, but about football and they get to curse as much as they want. Okay, so it’s not really about football. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Submission Namesakes: Five Fighters And The Holds That Bear Their Name - Is the LeBell Lock on this list? What about the Scorpion Deathlock? Urgh, I need to learn more about MMA. [Cage Potato]

If Brett Favre Doesn’t Return, The NFL Shouldn’t Bother To Come Back At All - The best thing about Brett Favre since Michael Vick thought “Brett Farve” should come to Philadelphia and be his back-up. I’ll take it one step further — if Dan Marino doesn’t come out of retirement and give me a football player to like, the NFL should fold completely. [SBN]

With Leather

Poor Little Guys: The Seattle Mariners Losing Streak As Told By Sad Dogs - I’d like to think we single-handedly willed them back into baseball existence. If you haven’t check this out since yesterday, we added an extra dog to reflect Wednesday’s game. [With Leather]

The Dugout by Charles Bukowski - The second in our Celebrity Guest Writers series tackles the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, and was written before they no-hit the Indians. Today’s Dugout is just a picture of me scowling with the words F**K YOU ANGELS underneath in scrolling letters. [The Dugout]

The Best and Worst of Raw 7/25 - It’s Thursday and the comments are still surging, discussing whether CM Punk’s return to the show was “rushed” or just part of the plan. Be sure to check out the comments to these things, because (at least right now) it’s the most sane, peaceful collection of wrestling fans ever. And so many of them think John Cena is gay, I don’t know. [With Leather]

Pine Tree Loses Its Nuts - Want to watch a bear convince a kid he should be a bad sport and kick a tree in the balls? Of course you do. Watch this video. [With Leather]

Not Sports

The Whitest White People Movie In History - New Year’s Eve is the sequel (basically) to Valentine’s Day and features your 60 least favorite white actors and Ludacris. Ludacris is the new Ice Cube, and should give up rapping and just be the wacky uncle on somebody’s terrible sitcom. Can’t turn a ho into a housewife! Hoes don’t act right! [Film Drunk]

Funny, Sexy and Awesome Cosplay Of The Week - I legitimately don’t care about cosplaying women, I’m sharing this because of the people that dressed up like Ice Climbers. Extra points if they have a polar bear wearing sunglasses. [Gamma Squad]

Jon Stewart Turns on President Obama - And I’m not just linking this because he mentions our WONDERFUL FREE FANTASY BASEBALL WITH DRAFTSTREET in the first paragraph. At this point Obama needs to just say “welp” and turn over the country to literally anyone else. You seem like a nice guy, but sh** or get off the pot for God’s sake. [UPROXX]

Summers Eve “Hail To The V” - I don’t want to type “smdh” every day, but I am shaking my damn head so hard at how even our douche commercials have to be irreverent. They’re DOUCHE COMMERCIALS. Not everything has to be the f**king Old Spice Guy. [Smoking Section]

The Mets ensured that the NLCS will end in New York by clubbing the shit out of the ball in Game 4 last night. Carlos Beltran hit two home runs and Carlos Delgado homered and drove in five runs to power the Mets to a 12-5 victory. David Wright — Third Baseman McDreamy — added another home run, but his name isn't Carlos, so fuck him, you know?

Honestly, I'm surprised the Cardinals have managed to win two games in this series without Albert Pujols getting seven RBI in a game. I mean, I know that the Mets entire starting rotation is injured, but I really didn't think starting pitchers would be necessary against a playoff team as bad as the Cardinals. That Tony LaRussa really knows how to do just enough to not get fired.

Yikes. That's the kind of thing you're supposed to say about somebody who works in a cubicle, not a dugout.