This makes me want to plug my ears with my fingers and shout-sing DO WAH DIDDY DIDDY DUM DIDDY DO. (via Cosby Sweaters)

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10 Athletes Who Would Have Been Greater If They Listened To Kenny F*cking Powers - If you missed this yesterday, kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone. (but no, seriously, read it) [With Leather]

10 Celebrities Who Look Like Abandoned Mattresses - Somehow this may be the greatest meme in Internet history, simply for how accurate it is. Poor January Jones. [UPROXX]

Madonna Joins Twitter For A Day, Flirts With Deadmau5 - Prince should join Twitter, he should have a midi of one keyboard note playing in the background and every tweet should be the continuation of the same non-stop sentence. [UPROXX]

5 Directions Medicine Can Go In Now That Cancer Is Toast - More stuff that gives 70-year olds boners, please! [Gamma Squad]

Quick Hits: Verdicts and Renewal Odds on 5 New Television Series - Everything on CBS: loved and renewed. Everything on NBC: good stuff canceled, stuff that looks like it should be on CBS renewed. [Warming Glow]

Hunger Games Review: The Future is Blurry - I sure am excited to keep hearing people talk about this movie when I’m in line at the grocery store. [Film Drunk]

Question Of The Day: Who’s Copping The Air Yeezy 2? - I don’t know what that means. [Smoking Section]

20 Supporting Actors From ’90s TV Shows Then And Now - A nice follow-up to my Waldo Geraldo Faldo joke in yesterday’s Best and Worst Of WWE Raw report. [Buzzfeed]

‘Zou Bisou Bisou’ & 15 Other Awkward TV Serenades - David Brent and Greg Brady absolutely do not count. Uncle Jesse absolutely does. [HuffPost Comedy]

Forget Kony 2012, getting Steve Holt in the Arrested Development movie is the most important cause of the year - Steve Holt! Not getting arrested for public masturbation! [Fark]

‘Downton Abbey’ Gets an American Spoof With ‘Downton Arby’s’ - Great, now I want jalapeno poppers, a roast beef sandwich the size of my face and a Mountain Dew the size of the rest of my body. [The FW]

The 10 Best Shows in the Fox Network’s 25 Year History - I’m sure ‘Woops!’ is number 11 and Pajiba just made a mistake. [Pajiba]

As we’ve already discussed, the week of Super Bowl XLVI has already started off with the standard, lazy storylines of guarantees and misconstrued words, with Tom Brady and Antrel Rolle providing the cannon fodder for the media thus far. Of course, we’ve also been treated to the rematch hype and David Tyree’s catch, as expected, but I’ve really been hoping that we could really stretch the limit of what is qualified as sports news this week.

Oh thank God, Tiquan Underwood got a haircut.

As a backup who has only three receptions this season, Underwood doesn’t get much notice, even with his skyscraper hairstyle.

But now that he’s going to the Super Bowl maybe he can attract some attention on Media Day with the artistry that has been added to his coiffure. (Via USA Today)

I get the idea that a wide receiver who was drafted in the 7th round and spent time being bounced between teams and practice squads might relish a little attention this week, seeing as he was released by his current team back in November and re-signed because of lack of depth.

But when I Googled “Super Bowl media day”, the Top 5 results were about things don’t matter worth a poop. Everything is about the goofy people (more on them just a little later), Ochocinco reveling in his first Media Day (that he worked so hard for), Peyton Manning’s future and Underwood’s hair. So if I were running News Corp, what kind of story would I want to see?

Read the rest of this entry »

During the hockey game between the Philadelphia Flyers and Vancouver Canucks on Wednesday night, the Flyers ran the above commercial, titled “Hockey Fights Cancer,” on their Jumbotron. The video features hockey players imploring fans to help them raise money and awareness in the fight against cancer. When the video ran, a number of Flyers fans booed upon seeing rival hockey players displayed in their arena, and almost immediately people starting falling all over themselves to talk about Philly fans “booing an anti-cancer ad.” Puck Daddy has a nice collection of tweets on the subject (as part of a very reasonable take on the situation), and I’m sure you won’t be surprised to see a number of people going to tired cliches, including, of course, the time Philly fans booed Santa Claus (pictured, at right).

As Uproxx’s resident Philadelphian, this crap drives me bonkers. First of all, you idiots, they were booing their hated rivals, not cancer prevention. I know it fits your narrative to shoehorn everything into the “Haha Philly fans are jerks” angle, but come on. If this happened in Buffalo or San Jose, it’s not a story. And the Santa thing. GOOD LORD, the Santa thing. Do you know when Philly fans booed Santa? 1968. Timely reference. It’s not like they just showed up at a shopping mall and started pelting the guy with ice, either. There was a backstory that actually made it somewhat understandable in context. But every time something like this happens, people trot out these lazy cliches and demonize me and my brethren for the actions of one rogue goon, or things that happened 10-20 years before most of us were born.

The whole thing makes me so angry I could wing batteries at their stupid heads.

This is one of those stories where there has to be more to it, because honestly, Jesus: Boston Red Sox pitcher John Lackey has filed for divorce from his wife, Krista.

“What’s so bad about that?”, you might ask, assuming it has something to do with her being pretty and him looking like an older, fatter, grosser version of Xander from “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”. What’s so bad about that is Krista is currently in the middle of a battle with breast cancer. She underwent a double mastectomy back in March and was in chemo as recently as June. Keeping all of that in mind, please read John’s reason for divorce, courtesy of TMZ:

Lackey filed on August 30, according to court docs in Texas, claiming “the marriage has become insupportable because of discord or conflict of personalities.” Krista and John got married in November, 2008.

The divorce petition says John and Krista had a prenup. It also says Lackey has “separate property” he wants to keep for himself.

See what I mean about hoping there’s more to it? We don’t know the specifics of what went down between the two and chemo is rough; it is literally poison and can change the way your brain works. Everything you read about this is going to be designed from the headline down to make Lackey look like a piece of sh*t, and with good reason — if it turns out his “conflict of personality” was Krista being a dying wife and John not wanting to deal with it, yeah, he should get tossed in that John Edwards and Newt Gingrich pile of irreparable douchebags who never deserved a wife in the first place. If it turns out that these are three dimensional people going through the same problems as everyone else … well, Jesus, there’s really no way out, is there?

Here’s to hoping breast cancer had nothing to do with it, and Krista divorced him because he couldn’t keep his ERA under six.

My job as a sports blogger is to be snarky and judgmental about everything, but earlier today I posted a video of a grateful kid being happy about baseball so I might not have any idea what I’m doing. Looking around for stories to close out the week, I browsed through cheerleader slideshows and BMX failz until I came across Lily Anderson’s performance of the Star-Spangled Banner during Thursday’s “Rally Night” at Turner Field. She has cancer (stage 4 neuroblastoma) and received the longest standing ovation Braves reliver Peter Moylan has ever seen.

I thought to myself, “oh, this would be nice” and figured I’d close out the weekend with that, instead of the NASCAR lady who used to model bikinis.

And then I started looking for a picture for the header.

[Lily] thinks peace signs are really cool, loves turtles and playing with her friends. She loves to ride dirt bikes with her Dad, and looks forward to the weekly Sunday visits with her Grandma and Grandpa. Lime green is her very favorite color and as with most girls her age, clothes are really special; in fact she is often known by her nickname “Style Anderson.”

I browsed through her Facebook fan page to see if there were any high res pictures of her performing at the game. That’s sorta my job. I’ve been on the Internet a long time, and nothing really gets to me. I looked at her wall photos, and down at the bottom is a dimly-lit picture of her in a hospital bed, losing a little bit of her hair, holding a big sign that says “I made millions of stem cells!” She’s smiling so big, and it just sort of hit me, right in the middle of my chest, in the part of the heart that gets the brain’s credit for feeling the weight of things.

I typed something, then deleted it. Stared at the screen. Typed, deleted.

I’m not sure what I want to tell you. Just … show this video to people. “Like” her Facebook fan page, if that matters, and visit her website. Let her know goddamn stupid life is, and how awesome she is for being okay with it. I don’t know how to say it, but I want to, and am going to spend the rest of the day figuring out how.

The chances of getting hit in the temple by a flying golf ball during the AT&T National are pretty slim — most golfers are able to properly drive a ball off the tee, and most spectators are aware enough to move out of the way. The chances of getting hit by a flying golf ball and having it indirectly diagnose a malignant tumor on your thyroid gland is even more rare, but hey, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.

During last year’s 18th hole at Aronimink Golf Club, former PGA rookie of the year Sean O’Hair hit a wayward shot off the tee and struck 25-year old spectator Chris Logan in the side of the head. As Philly.com reveals, the sh:tty excuse for golf was a blessing in disguise.

As emergency medical technicians hustled him to a nearby tent to be examined, Logan had no idea this would be the luckiest day of his life.

While checking him out for a concussion, a doctor inquired about a lump just below his throat and urged him to visit his family doctor to get it checked out. The lump turned out to be a malignant tumor on his thyroid. He underwent two surgeries less than six weeks after being struck by the ball.

And now, a year later, Logan is completely cancer-free and spending quality time during this year’s practice round with the golfer who saved his life. I’m always happy to read positive stories like this, and who knows, maybe those women Tiger Woods slept will waltz into a Planned Parenthood and come out knowing they’d accidentally contracted gout. All of them.

[h/t Devil Ball Golf]