World’s Dumbest Thief Targeted A Law Enforcement Hockey Game

Written by Ashley Burns / 03.25.13

As a proud, tax-paying American who has never been arrested and occasionally makes donations to police associations (because someone once told me the sticker stops cops from pulling you over), I’m a big fan of law enforcement. I’ve always found that it’s good procedure to befriend police officers and not piss them off, because then they won’t frame you for murder. Not that all cops do that, but I constantly live in fear of being sent to prison, so I just try to be nice.

I wouldn’t, for example, ever think it was a smart idea to break into a locker room during a law enforcement charity hockey game and steal all of their stuff, because I’m not an a-hole with a death wish. Too bad I can’t say the same for one moron in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia

Two teams of deputy sheriffs and correctional officers were playing in a charity hockey game for the Make-A-Wish Foundation when someone broke into the deputy sheriff’s locker room and stole cell phones and a few wallets.

The theft was discovered by one of the off-duty officers during the second intermission.

“It was a pretty big downer for everybody,” said player Chris Kelly.

“Everybody was having a good time all the players, it was hard to finish the game in the mindset where some of your belongings are gone maybe your clothes.”

But the officers finished the game anyway. (Via CBC News)

Because every story deserves a happy ending, the thief was caught after the game and most of the stolen belongings were returned. I’m not sure how the Canadian justice system works, but I believe that the punishment for stealing from cops is to be drawn and quartered by mooses. Wait, is it meese? Just moose. Either way, I hope they celebrated in true Nova Scotia tradition.

Read the rest of this entry »

2 Comments TAGS: , , , ,

#BeefThursday: Canada And Mexico Waged War In The World Baseball Classic

Written by Ashley Burns / 03.14.13


The 2013 Major League Baseball season hasn’t even started yet, but it has its work cut out for it, thanks to the World Baseball Classic. Last Saturday, Canada and Mexico faced off in a first round game of the D pool at Chase Field in Phoenix, and Canada’s merry band of hosers walked away with a 10-3 victory. No big deal, right? Wrong.

In the 9th inning of the game, with Canada up 9-3, Mexico’s pitcher Arnold Leon didn’t quite care that his allies to the north were paying attention to the WBC rules and trying to put up as many runs as possible. Instead, Leon pitched inside on Rene Tosoni, which drew a warning from the umpire, and Leon followed that up by drilling Tosoni in the middle of his back. What resulted was a bench-clearing brawl that would have made the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox blush.

Read the rest of this entry »

9 Comments TAGS: , , , , , , ,

O Canada… Oh No No No No No, Canada

Written by Ashley Burns / 02.28.13

"F*ck this, I'm outta here."

When it comes to the Canadian National Anthem, I know approximately two words and they’re both in the title. Because of that, I don’t bill myself as the kind of person who is qualified to sing the “O Canada” before sporting events, although I could offer a righteous air guitar and/or beatbox performance sans lyrics if the right lingerie football league team requested it. I’ll leave that up to them, though.

Not knowing the lyrics to “O Canada” didn’t stop singer Jeff Fuller – the tenor, not the former NFL receiver – as he showed off his pipes before yesterday’s Spring Training game between the Houston Astros and Toronto Blue Jays in majestic Dunedin, Florida. Fuller knew several more words to the official jam of America’s hat, but not enough to actually finish the song. So instead of honoring Blue Jays fans, he did a fantastic Tracy Jordan/Frank Drebin impression.

Read the rest of this entry »

6 Comments TAGS: , , , , , , , , ,

Tennis Pro Pierre Ludovic Duclos Loses To Chris Hansen In Straight Sets

Written by Ashley Burns / 02.22.13

Pierre Ludovic Duclos Lasnier is currently the No. 334 ranked men’s tennis player in the world, and it doesn’t take a huge tennis fanatic to know that’s awful. With an ATP career singles record of 1-3, the highest ranking that the 27-year old Duclos has ever achieved is No. 229, and that was about one year ago. But despite that awful mediocre ranking and record, Duclos is still considered the best men’s tennis player in all of Quebec and the sixth best tennis player in all of Canada. So he has that going for him.

And now he’s probably going to be the best tennis player in all of the Florida penal system, because Duclos was just arrested for soliciting sex from a 13-year old girl in Sarasota. Someone better start learning how to sharpen the handle of a tennis racquet.

Read the rest of this entry »

12 Comments TAGS: , , , , , , ,

The University Of Toronto Is Basically Hosting A Massive Student Orgy

Written by Ashley Burns / 01.16.13

"I'm here for the gangbang, eh?"

If you thought the SEC was just a dominant force in college football and something that lets wealthy people get away with ripping off the rest of us, then you’ve never heard of the University of Toronto’s Sexual Education Centre, which has just become my favorite SEC on this planet. Why? Because it is hosting what is essentially one giant open invitation for an orgy for UT students next Monday.

Damn, Canada. Why you gotta be so cool?

The University of Toronto Sexual Education Centre (SEC) is kicking off its annual Sexual Awareness Week next Monday at Oasis Aqua Lounge, a downtown club that bills itself as a water-themed adult playground, where swingers are welcome and sex is allowed everywhere but the hot tub.

“U of T is holding an orgy, and you’re invited! You just need your student ID” one Reddit user posted in a University of Waterloo forum. (Via the Toronto Star)

The group’s “mission” is apparently to “foster a sex-positive attitude in the greater U of T area”, but this just sounds like one of the most diabolical plots for a student government official to get his freak on. Hey, I’m not judging anyone. Lord knows it’s better than the old begging-until-I-cry trick that used to work for me 2% of the time.

But before you go booking your tickets to Toronto for this insane orgy, please know that it’s not an orgy. Right, winking giraffe?

Read the rest of this entry »

10 Comments TAGS: , , , , ,

The Best And Very, Very Worst Of Vintage WCW Promo Photos – Part 2

Written by Brandon Stroud / 01.16.13


WCW Promo Photos

On Monday, we shared with you the best (Cactus Jack) and very, very worst (Hail) of World Championship Wrestling’s 8×10 promo photos from the 1990s. If you thought Dave Sullivan petting a rabbit was as deep as the well ran, you’re in for a treat.

Behold, part two of our epic WCW promo photos quest, once again visiting the pro wrestling company that threatened to put WWE out of business before collapsing in on itself and folding in the shadow of stars like Kwee Wee and Disqo. The next 50 WCW photos tell the story of the company … full of amazing pro wrestling talent, but also (unfortunately) full of everything else. Take a long, hard look at that picture of Ric Flair. If you can’t see the terror in his eyes, you’ll start to pick it up around slide 30.

If you showed part one to everybody you know, follow-up with this one.

Read the rest of this entry »

145 Comments TAGS: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Partnered With

Sign Up

Follow Us