The headline reads “Report: Smoking may be beneficial to long distance runners”. Some of the reasons presented?

-Serum hemoglobin is related to endurance running performance. Smoking is known to enhance serum hemoglobin levels and (added bonus), alcohol may further enhance this beneficial adaptation.
-Lung volume also correlates with running performance, and training increases lung volume. Guess what else increases lung volume? Smoking.
-Running is a weight-bearing sport, and therefore lighter distance runners are typically faster runners. Smoking is associated with reduced body weight, especially in individuals with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (these folks require so much energy just to breath that they often lose weight).

In the discussion, [author Ken Myers] goes on to point out that:

Cigarette smoking has been shown to increase serum hemoglobin, increase total lung capacity and stimulate weight loss, factors that all contribute to enhanced performance in endurance sports. Despite this scientific evidence, the prevalence of smoking in elite athletes is actually many times lower than in the general population. The reasons for this are unclear; however, there has been little to no effort made on the part of national governing bodies to encourage smoking among athletes.

Disclaimer: This study was posted in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, so it could be completely wrong. You know how they are in Canada. Don’t start smoking and send me an angry e-mail when you’re on your knees in the middle of the hurdles throwing up your guts.

Of course, when you dig a little deeper you find out that this was written less to advocate smoking for runners and more to prove that you can prove anything with a review article. I’ve been arguing this for years. Eventually you learn that everything in recorded history is wrong and the science we’ve been raised to believe as fact has been erased and rewritten every hundred years. And people are always like, “oh, no, this is true, I proved it with a bunsen burner” and I’m like “RAHHH PEOPLE USED TO PROVE THE EARTH WAS FLAT WITH A BUNSEN BURNER SHUT UP”.

Regardless, it’s a compelling argument. Next, he should prove how eating more will boost your metabolism and help you be skinny. Yeah f**king right.

I think the guy providing color commentary for this fight says it all.

Background guy: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! UHHHHHHHHHHHHH! UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

If you need more information, this is a Montreal-area theatre troupe reenacting important scenes from American History X during Monday night’s Canadiens/Bruins game at the Bell Centre in Montreal, using Bruins fans in place of black people. It starts off like any YouTube fight video you’ve seen — two jerks ganging up to kick-punch a guy with no shirt, a white guy who doesn’t know how to distribute his body weight throwing all-arm punches — and escalates into a chaotic mass of security guards and flailing hoodies, all in the name of pro hockey loyalty. The fight continues in the comments section of YouTube, where “drunk fans acting stupid to each other” has turned into a full-scale, passive-aggressive America Versus Canada.

Maybe the person who stood in the background making cow noises had the right idea. Stay out of it.

[h/t Puck Daddy]

David Martin, president and general manager of new independent baseball Frontier League team the London Rippers, doesn’t understand why people think he named the team after Jack the Ripper, the infamous serial killer who raped and murdered prostitutes. I mean, this is London Ontario, not London England, for crying out loud, and the mascot in the logo wearing a 19th-century top hat named “Jack” for your team called the “Rippers” is purely coincidental. And the prostitute who had her abdomen sliced open and uterus removed by Dave Martin during the team’s first press conference? Well now you’re just reaching for straws!

He said any association with Jack the Ripper is all a misunderstanding.

“I could have made it another fluffy animal that every other teams seems to do,” he said, adding he wanted to do something “edgy.”

The team logo shows Jack wearing a black top hat and trench coat that covers most of his face, except for his eyes. Martin says the connection to Jack the Ripper never came up when the logo was designed.

The best part of Jack the Actual Ripper never coming up during the creation of his team is the slogan at the top of their promotional posters: “Lurking in LaBatt park this spring …”

Come on, Dave, seriously? You can take the “we wanted to be edgy” route and name your team the Rippers as a statement against the extreme sensitivity of the modern sports attitude, but those posters might as well have Troll Gaze on them. They should reprint them with “Literally gutting you and removing your entrails in a dark alleyway because you’re a woman this spring …”

I’m going to start a Minor League team in Austin called the “Dahmers”, put a frozen cat head with a human penis jammed in its ear on my logo and spend the next six months issuing press statements that read, “heh, come on, get a life”.

[via London Free Press, h/t to Fark Sports]

From Twitter, where the right teenager can say “hamburger” and make it a Worldwide Trending Topic:

And such is the aftermath of LudaDay Weekend, the Labor Day festivities at the Morehouse Forbes Arena in Atlanta featuring a charity basketball game championed by the black star of white movies and a 17-year old Canadian pop singer who looks like Kim Darby circa True Grit and commands more instant, teary-eyed response than any popular basketball player. The event raised $10,000 for charity, and at first you’re like “oh, okay, that’s cool” and then you realize Bieber probably paid $10,001 for his Hummer limo ride to the game.

Regardless, it’s nearly impossible to find pictures of Chris Paul or Kevin Durant from this game unless they’re in Bieb’s background, so check out this mini-gallery of pictures courtesy of Gossip Center and try to find your favorites. Also, if you go to Gossip Center you can watch a video of Bieber emulating Steve Nash’s crossover and jumping almost one inch off the ground for a lay-up while his 17-year old Chinese girlfriend Knives Chau claps along happily from the sidelines.

Two things to note as you flip through the gallery:

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NASCAR stories are tricky. They can be huge news and the video can have 500,000 views, but chances are 90% of your audience completely missed it. It is in that spirit that I present to you the best moment from Saturday’s NAPA Auto Parts 200 in Montreal — Patrick Carpentier’s crew chief Jerry Baxter responding to a questionable move from driver Steve Wallace by pulling his hair. YouTube user SupaLatinaHeat sums up the events with an Apollo-style class: “When Black guys get angry they fight with their fists. When White guys get angry they pull each other’s hair.” I guess that explains why everybody in UFC shaves their head.

The post-catfight interview is also pretty hilarious, as Wallace sneaks “only girls pull hair” into the standard “we faced obstacles but did our best” speech, apologizing profusely for spinning out Carpentier and still managing to call Baxter a wimpy d-bag. Because, honestly, who pulls hair? The whole thing was a Baby Buster short away from being one of Arrested Development’s “Boyfights”.

I’m going to watch the next race with my hand on Print Screen. I don’t want to miss Carl Edwards getting his panties tossed in the freezer.

[hair tip to Larry Brown Sports]

It is being reported today that American Olympic swimming hero Michael Phelps, winner of 8 gold medals at the 2008 Summer Olympics, is dating a Canadian. While competing at the Canada Cup recently, Phelps was seen holding hands with Ashley Firestone, who is undoubtedly Canadian intelligence and looking to flip Phelps. Even worse, it is believed that the couple has been together for at least the past two years, while Phelps was making us believe that he was dating quality, wholesome American beauty queens and Las Vegas bar staff.

According to the Daily Mail:

‘Their relationship started a little over two years ago when they met staying at the same hotel in South Beach over New Years,’ the insider said.

‘Ashley [Who has a boy's name - Ed.] has always been concerned with showing Michael that she would keep their relationship on the down-low and private first and foremost.’

‘She stayed with Michael at Hotel Auberge Universel for the whole weekend and even got VIP tickets to his race for her and her friends’

Phelps was recently linked to a few other women – American women – including Miss California USA 2009 Carrie Prejean, who caused a stir with her opposition to gay marriage a few years back, but more recently her successor, Miss California USA 2010 Nicole Johnson. While I can’t fault Phelps for doing the damn thing, to borrow a Doritos-stained phrase from Jason Whitlock, I must warn that if Canada continues to use its women as weapons against our most prominent athletes, we will have no choice but to send Antonio Cromartie and Travis Henry after them.

In the meantime, here’s a brief look back at Phelps’ past conquests. I recommend you listen to Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” for best results.

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