Today’s CBS Sports interview with Cam Newton features this line, a paragraph unto itself only two paragraphs down, and tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

Maybe that’s who Newton is: A kid in a man’s body.

“Maybe Cam Newton is like a smart-ish dog, but he looks like people.” Cam Newton is a robot, but not a very good one. You get the idea.

You think this thing about Newton (complete with a “Newton’s Theory” headline) is going to be ridiculous enough by itself, but oh, oh no, Cam Newton is always the most ridiculous part of a Cam Newton story. During the lockout, the Carolina Panthers organization sent Cam an Idiot’s Guide to Offense version of their playbook to help him ease into his career as an hilariously over-his-head NFL quarterback. When he got to camp he got a copy of the real playbook — the real playbook featuring a new offense, and he’s got about 40 seconds to learn it. Anyone would have trouble adjusting to that, but Cam was able to express his troubles with a wonderful comparison:

Newton’s head is spinning. Due to the lockout, the Panthers are forced to install a new offense at an accelerated pace. Newton had a playbook during the lockout to study, but he said it was a far cry from what he has now.

“That’s Dr. Seuss compared to doggone Shakespeare,” he said.

I also would’ve accepted “the playbook they sent me was Marmaduke, and this is dad-gum Doonsbury!” It makes you wonder what the book they sent him looked like. I wonder if it was just “throw football” written on a Post-It.

Cam Newton of the Carolina Panthers has it all. He won a Heisman Trophy, he was drafted first overall, and now he’s all over the Internet singing Justin Bieber’s “Baby.” Of course, to hear “Baby” is to sing it facetiously. There’s nothing more fun than doing the monotone, Rebecca Black-esque “bay-beh, bay-beh bay-beh” part and then going OOOHHHHH like somebody stabbed you center-ass with a fire iron. Try it, the more dramatic the “ooh,” the funnier the “bay-behs.”

If you stick around through the Bieber, you get to see Cam freestyle, which is somehow even more embarrassing and less masculine than singing “Baby.”

[via Orlando Sentinel]

Lobster Dog was just as shocked as anyone when the Houston Texans selected Mario Williams.

Originally, I was going to put together a first round mock draft to pretend like I had any clue how the 2011 NFL Draft was going to unfold and thankfully I talked myself out of kidding myself. Besides, all I have time to do is worry about the Miami Dolphins selecting Christian Ponder with the 15th pick tonight. Seriously, if that happens I will fully endorse the lockout until he’s old enough to retire. But that’s the fun of the NFL Draft – speculation, worrying, complaining, crying, protesting, cursing, stamping feet, blaming girlfriends, threatening lives, hoping players are hit by buses. You know, all the best of the “in good fun” stuff.

Instead of making predictions so you all can call me wrong – or more wrong than usual – or trying to outbest the best in mock draft coverage at Kissing Suzy Kolber, I figured I’d collect the latest and last of the big first round rumors before this little fun party begins.

Read the rest of this entry »

We’re gonna roll out a couple more posts before we head out today, but first I want to address a question in the comments of this Cam Newton post. Fellow Leatherhead Sandra left this inquiry about the general grumpiness directed toward the former Auburn quarterback, with my emphasis added.

I am looking for a serious and well thought out argument outside of the usual regurgitated media stuff as to why Cam isn’t a good fit anywhere in the NFL but Blaine Gabbert is?

First of all, I never brought up Blaine Gabbert. Sandra did, which is annoying. It’s like when you rave about Five Guys and somebody chirps, “Yeah, but it’s not as good as In-N-Out.” Who mentioned In-N-Out? That’s not the point. The point is that an NFL team is going to make this decision–and bet millions of dollars in doing so. Sandra asks fair question, and though I don’t necessarily agree with its premise, let’s answer it. I WORK FOR YOU, PEOPLE. Read the rest of this entry »

Cam Newton is being compared to a lot of quarterbacks in the NFL, and almost none of those are promising. Despite the parallel having been the likes of Michael Vick or Vince Young or Akili Smith,

Chan Gailey and Buddy Nix admitted quarterback isn’t the Bills’ biggest need because they believe veteran Ryan Fitzpatrick is a reliable starter. But both men made it clear they have to strongly consider taking a potentially great signal caller if he’s available with the third overall pick in the draft.[..]

“If you wait until you do not have a quarterback to draft one, you’re too late,” Nix said. “Now our greatest need is not quarterback. It’s definitely not quarterback. Invariably, if there’s going to be a franchise guy there and one we deem as a guy that can go eight or 10 years, be the face of the organization and take us to the playoffs and win every year, you can’t pass him up.”

Buffalo News, via FanNation.

The fact is that the Bills have not only struggled on the field (one winning season since 1999), but at the box office. And in a league where fans spend a fair amount of time following all of the teams, one doesn’t miss much by ignoring the Bills. Buffalo will have a hard time ignoring Newton if he falls to No. 3, because he’s tall and has a strong arm and all that other crap that has NFL scouts in a circle jerk. While someone like Julio Jones or Von Miller might address a greater need (and see the field a lot sooner), drafting Newton comes at a huge short-term cost, even if he eventually becomes successful.

It’ll be interesting if their first player to put on a white helmet happens to be an African-American quarterback who shows up in Orchard Park bringing more questions than answers. It would not surprise me, because it would be a stupid move, and the Bills are very fluent in stupid.

Mike Mayock of NFL Network is being accused of racism…kinda sorta. As quoted by one of the Tweeters at the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Mayock said, “Cam Newton is an unbeleivable athlete,” but that “you have to have the football IQ to make it work.” Fanhouse columnist David C. Steele did not take Mayock’s assessment lightly. Oh, and I should probably mention that Steele is black (and Mayock is not), otherwise this will make even less sense.

It never stops. Unless Mayock can give us conclusive proof, on air, about Newton’s “football IQ,” he should be fired. It’s 2011. I’m tired of this sh:t.

–via @David_C_Steele.

That’s tremendous reverse race-baiting, David, but I have some bad news. The reason Mayock has a job with NFL Network (and you don’t) is because of his ability to offer opinions on crap that nobody can really prove or disprove. And he didn’t reportedly say CAM NEWTON DOES NOT HAVE A HIGH FOOTBALL IQ so much as suggest that quarterbacks need more than athleticism to win in the NFL (See: Young, Vince).

And since when is Cam Newton above reproach? Oh, he won a national title. Yeah, so did Craig Krenzel. It stands to reason that Mayock was simply offering a judgement call about a one-year starting quarterback with documented character issues playing in a prolific offensive system. Or, he just loves objectively evaluating black NFL prospects, all of which he despises based solely on color. Makes perfect sense to me!