Two days ago, when I compiled the Here’s The Rest Of The Christmas Stuff post, my intention was to never write about Christmas again. Along comes this clip of Megatron and Matthew Stafford starring in Kensington Church Christmas 2012, and I’m drawn back in for one last score.

There’s so much to love about this video, including:

1. The acting. MY GOD, the acting. They give the Kensington Church staff wacky lines where they playfully insult each other, and it’s like the between-songs dialogue in an episode of ‘Glee’ written by my Aunt.

2. Johnson and Stafford tossing around a football like they’re filming scenes for The Room.

3. Johnson and Stafford introducing themselves a la Resident Evil characters, as if we’re watching the Kensington Church Christmas video and aren’t gonna know who they are. “Picture this, me, Matthew Stafford, in a shotgun formation in Santa’s sleigh!” “And me, Calvin Johnson, the master of unlocking!”

4. Football players’ best idea being “say as much about football and Christmas as you can, whether it makes sense or not.” Seriously, listen to what they’re describing. It’s mind boggling. “I roll right to avoid the blitz from the Grinch!” And he throws “the tightest spiral you’ve ever seen” with a Christmas present. And then we dump Gatorade on the baby Jesus!

5. Megatron not being able to consistently say “present.” I CATCH THE PRESINENT.

And on and on. The precocious child who wants the play to be about Jesus! Jokes about pissing in a church video! Everybody involved just kinda swaying back and forth like they’re Street Fighter characters for no reason, because they aren’t actors and think they have to be dynamic! It’s truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Or the gift that never gives. However that works. Remember, everybody: DO NOT GO TO CHURCH.

[h/t to Diehard Sport]

Shut up, Greg Olsen.

Last week, we kicked off the first installment of the With Leather Fantasy Football Support Group, because Week 9 made perfect sense. Whatever, jerks. But Doug Martin was the seemingly overwhelming choice for the “I hate that guy so much” sudden point outburst, after he had cost me and so many other fantasy football owners victories. This week, the task of narrowing down one specific player performance that may have caused self-induced vomiting and hair loss, because it was a pretty standard week with the usual suspects leading the way.

Based on the most probably standard scoring, here are the Top 3 scoring performances at each offensive position this week…

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As I’ve mentioned in the past, much to your undoubted excitement, I spend way too much time on Twitter and Tumblr all for the purpose of entertaining you. I mean, if I don’t scour the Internet for GIFs of Brooklyn Decker and Kate Upton, then who will? Sure, I could be rewarded with a Pulitzer one day, but I’ll settle for a Peabody.

In between the GIFs and the jugs, though, I stumble across random sites that simply make me giggle. Today’s chuckle maker comes courtesy of the Tumblr page, The National Foodball League, which combines three of my favorite things – football, puns, and food. If I can appeal to Will Riggins, the artist behind these delightful food (and other) images, I would one day like to see Ryan Bananahill, Veggie Bush, and Flan Carpenter.

I’d make them myself, but I’m fat and it won’t end well.

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"Oh no, I'm falling, someone get me a pile of cash."

The Detroit Lions had suggested that they’d be announcing a new, super huge deal for Calvin Johnson today, and they sure didn’t disappoint. Megatron is now the highest paid non-quarterback in the NFL with a deal that makes Larry Fitzgerald look like a slightly less wealthier man.

Johnson’s deal will keep him a Lion through 2019 and tops the eight-year, $120-million deal the Arizona Cardinals gave Larry Fitzgerald last fall.

According to ESPN, Johnson’s deal is worth $132 million and includes $60 million in guarantees. That makes him the highest-paid non-quarterback in the NFL.

It also frees up a significant chunk of salary-cap space that the Lions can use to pursue free agents this off-season. Johnson was scheduled to carry a $21.1 million cap charge. (Detroit Free Press)

That’s important, because the Lions could probably use a quality RB that doesn’t get injured on every other play, or maybe even some upgrades on the offensive line. Regardless, this is a much deserved deal for one of the game’s true phenoms, and I only hope that he’s celebrating his success in the best way possible…

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"First the Cartoon Network Awards, then a Nobel Prize!"

Last summer, while both the NFL and NBA were locked out, I questioned why more athletes weren’t attending the Teen Choice Awards to try and gain a little favor from the public. Seriously, the athlete attendance was limited to Shaun White and 3 puppies from Air Bud’s litter, while half the NBA sat at home picking fights on Twitter. Well it turns out that the answer was pretty simple – make the whole thing about athletes and they’ll attend.

This was proven Saturday night when the Cartoon Network honored our favorite athletes at the second annual Hall of Game Awards, which is not to be confused with Spike’s F*CKIN’ ATHLETES, BRO! SLUTS! Awards, which are held on Vin Diesel’s birthday each year. Shaquille O’Neal played host for the Hall of Game Awards, and he was joined by dozens of child actors that I’ve never heard of. But plenty of athletes showed up to have their egos stroked.

You can wait and watch the whole show tonight (especially if you’re a fan of Flo Rida and who isn’t?) but I’ve got some photos after the jump. Shockingly, they did not name Jeremy Lin their new overlord.

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Four teams are still winless. Three of them seemingly don’t need quarterbacks. One team is starving for a franchise QB. And while one 0-4 team can’t seemingly keep losing with such a talented young offense, and another can’t keep losing because it has the best running back in the NFL, the other two seem poised for a collision course of suck for the remainder of this season. It should be quite exciting.

As a reminder, these rankings are in reverse order and are based on the theory that Stanford QB Andrew Luck will be the first pick of the 2012 NFL Draft, even though he’s a junior and may not even declare. There are clearly many teams that don’t need a QB, so they’re not going to be ranked toward the top of this list, especially if they win games. I only mention this because one of my friends actually complained to me on Friday that I ranked the Philadelphia Eagles too low because “they’re better than their record.” Settle down, this is just for fun. Also, they’re not.

What’s that you say? Enough with my imaginary friends and on with the Suck For Luck Power(less) Rankings? Your wish is Chad Henne’s worthless injured shoulder my command.

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