I’ve never been good at recognizing basketball penalties. I know the rules of the game, but I’m almost always wrong. LeBron James gets a pass at half court, tucks the ball under his arm and f**king Frankenstein walks 40 feet into a dunk and my brain goes HEY WAIT A SECOND, but nope, the person next to me helpfully explains that they “get two steps!” I’m never right. Also, LeBron James has never carried or traveled.

Amir Johnson has made me feel a little better about my eye-to-brain malfunctions with probably the worst violation I’ve ever seen a professional player get away with. It’s not even debatable. He dribbles the ball, stops, then just dribbles again and takes his shot. You can’t even get mad at it. Everyone who saw it just stood around laughing afterward, because holy shit there were three referees watching him do it.

Video vindication of my terrible basketball-watching abilities is after the jump.

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UPDATE: Jim Joyce is behind the plate for today’s Tigers/Indians game, and he came out with the waterworks flowing. Armando Galarraga presented the Tigers’ lineup card to Joyce, who then really turned on the tears. You almost feel bad for him until you watch the video below, which has been updated with a working copy.

Armando “Not So Big Cat” Galarraga flirted with history last night, as he was vying for the 21st perfect game in Major League Baseball history, the unprecedented third perfect game of this early season, and the first in Detroit Tigers history. But with two outs, Cleveland Indians shortstop Jason Donald hit a weak grounder to second that was cut off by Miguel Cabrera, whose throw to Galarraga covering first appeared to be in time. But veteran umpire Jim Joyce called Donald safe, and for the first time ever, the city of Detroit knew the meaning of sad.

Joyce’s insanely stupid bonehead call not only cost Galarraga his perfect game, but a no-hitter as well, leaving the 28-year old Venezuelan with a stinky old complete game shutout. Joyce was booed by Detroit fans throughout the final at-bat for Cleveland, and Detroit manager Jim Leyland put down his pack of Camel Wides long enough to give Joyce an earful, before the 23-year umpire was escorted off the field. After the game, Joyce watched the replay and made a humble admission of guilt for his blind-as-a-bat idiotic doodie-for-brains call.

Spurn your own, MLB.com:

Joyce blew a call, the most important of his life, and he knew it.

“It was the biggest call of my career and I kicked the [stuff] out of it,” he said. “I just cost that kid a perfect game after he pitched his [butt] off all night.”

“I had a great angle, and I missed the call,” he said. “I really thought he beat the ball. At that time, I thought he beat the ball. After I heard from the Tigers, who had obviously seen a replay, I asked the guy in the room to cue up the play as soon as we got in here, and I missed it from here to that wall.”

Galarraga, all things considered, handled the amazingly mind-blowingly batsh*t call with maturity and decency, as he offered only a smile after he realized that Donald was called safe. After the game, and after hearing Joyce’s admission, Galarraga commented: “He apologized. He feels really bad. Nobody is perfect.” See what he did there?

Despite his turd-a-riffic Corky-esque call of epic lunacy, Joyce is widely considered one of the best umpires in baseball. Upon hearing of this debacle, umpire Joe West called a press conference and took credit for the BP oil spill.

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The Twins beat the Tigers in that thrilling 12-inning playoff game to decide the AL Central yesterday, but not without controversy. En route to his team’s 6-5 loss in the Metrodome, Tigers batter Brandon Inge took a pitch in the top of the 12th with the bases loaded that brushed up against his jersey, which legally counts toward a hit-by-pitch. Inge headed for first base, but was called back to the batter’s box by home plate umpire Randy Marsh. As one might guess, Mr. Inge was not pleased.

“I want a hit as much as the next guy, but when it’s that important, it hit my shirt,” Inge said of the first pitch he took from [Twins reliever Bobby] Keppel, thrown with the bases loaded and one out in the 12th inning. “I’m not going to lie.”[...]

“It hit my shirt, period,” Inge said. “I don’t lie about things like that. I’m not going to try to weasel my way on base.”

Tigers manager Jim Leyland immediately ran out of the dugout to challenge the call. Read the rest of this entry »

Noted Caucasian Jon Scheyer didn’t get called for traveling on this play over the weekend against Virginia Tech, which is amazing considering that the referees surely saw this play from the week before and thought, “Hey, maybe we should look out for that.” But then Coach K called them a cadre of bat-eating Jews or something and they got all freaked out and forgot about it. Or, maybe they just don’t give a shit about college basketball. And fellas, if that’s the case, we should really hang out and not watch college basketball sometime. I could use some real friends.