We’re less than a month away from the most important basketball event of the summer, and it appears that the NBA is trying to ruin the fun for everyone. I’m not talking about the 2012 Summer Olympics, because I’m an American who lives with the foregone conclusion that Team USA will destroy every other basketball team, so the importance of such an event is lost on me.

No, I’m talking about two diehard Miami Heat fans who simply want to show the world how much they love their team by orally pleasing any man who wants to stand in a line and watch every guy in front of them get a beej. I believe that’s called the American dream. But the NBA doesn’t share that dream, because apparently the new league slogan is “Where hummers don’t happen”.

At least that’s what this statement from the league’s lawyers is telling Sara Jay and Angelina Castro.

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Like this, but with just a little more sexual tension.

Skydiving instructor Alex Torres has found himself out of a job and under investigation by the Federal Aviation Administration after a recent stunt that he pulled off with the help of Skydive Taft administrative assistant, Hope Howell. Last weekend, the duo woke up early and took off in a company plane for a little tandem dive… *plays Barry White song* … and they had sex all over the sweet morning sky.

Torres, who I should also mention is an adult film star known as “Voodoo,” and Howell began having sex in the plane before jumping out and continued bumping uglies a few thousand feet over the city of Taft, California, all to get the attention of Howard Stern. And while no police charges are being filed because “no one complained,” the sex act apparently upset one teenage boy, and now the FAA is investigating Torres and Howell because:

“Anyone who allows an activity to occur that could affect his or her ability to concentrate on flying the aircraft or could result in the pilot being physically jostled or lose control of the aircraft could constitute a violation of federal aviation regulations.” – Ian Gregor, FAA Spokesman

Oh come on, Bobby Buzzkill. This is just the man trying to keep us down and flaccid. All that’s happening here is a case of a kid who didn’t like the mean man choking the woman’s bottom mouth so he told on them. And last time I checked, you can’t really punish two people for doing something that there’s not really any proof they did. It’s not like there is video of the whole thing going down.

Haha, just kidding, there’s totally video.

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