It’s Katherine Webb’s ass in case you’re confused as to what Ndamukong Suh is watching. Some people might think it’s inappropriate for a man to stare at a girl’s ass like that, but when you’re Ndamukong Suh and you have a history of stomping on guys or kicking them in the balls, I’m cool if you’d rather not hurt people with your inhuman strength.

Sure, AJ McCarron probably doesn’t like Suh or any other gigantic professional athletes staring at his girlfriend, but that’s the chance we take when Brent Musberger turns them into sex symbols with his magical old pervert drool.

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That’s it, folks. Shut down the news for the rest of the year. We’ve got the most incredible, most scandalous news that is going to rock the very foundation of journalism itself this morning – despite the fact that it has already been reported elsewhere. However, when we pick a story up, things happen. Outrage grows. Fists are shaken in rage. So first, Leatherheads, the backdrop for this intense scandal…

Last Friday, 15 women vied for the title of 2012 Miss Bum Bum Brasil, which if you remember from earlier this year, is the world’s foremost competitive pageant for determining which Brazilian woman has the nicest backside. Of the women in this year’s contest, 25-year old Carine Felizardo (middle above) was declared the winner. Andressa Urach finished in second, while Camila Vernaglia took home 3rd place. In our book, though, they’re all champions.

As for her new title, Felizardo was incredibly humble and grateful for this supreme posterior honor.

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Chicago Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall, while controversial and an all-around enigma to most NFL fans, will always be one of my favorite football players, because I was fortunate enough to cover his college career at the University of Central Florida. He was a goofball then and hardly the headache that he’d later become, so I’ve always been able to laugh off the majority of his antics. You know, as long as they didn’t involve domestic violence charges and whatnot.

Unlike some former UCF players – *cough, Atari Bigby, cough* – B-Marsh still shows plenty of love for his alma mater, where his four-year career culminated in an incredible 2005 Hawaii Bowl performance that earned him MVP honors, despite Matt Prater shanking an extra point to cost UCF the game. That leads us to this morning’s Tweets from Marshall, which included the above picture of a package he received from the UCF athletics department.

After he opened the package, Marshall Tweeted another picture of the new UCF gear that he received. Oh, and there’s totally a naked dude’s ass in the picture, too. NSFW after the jump, if you dare.

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I don’t mean to imply that we couldn’t watch any sports last night. For instance, I watched the Orlando Magic at the Chicago Bulls last night. But since Barack Obama had to be such a winner and whatever last night, the Bulls had to ruin that game for me, too. I mean, Joakim Noah was knocking down jumpers and Carlos Boozer looked like he had an actual pulse.

My point is that everyone was all fired up about the election last night, even though the only candidate who mattered was Kate Upton’s uncle. Oh well, at least we have some college football and NBA action tonight. And volleyball, I won’t ever exclude volleyball.

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Controversial Statement of the Day: Brazilian women are awesome. Stop it. Stop arguing with me. You cannot change my mind, no matter how hard you try. Why am I being so arrogant in my opinion? Because I discovered the Miss Bum Bum Brasil competition this week, and the way I look at competitions that feature very attractive women will forever be altered.

Now, my Portuguese is a little rusty, in that I don’t know any, so I had to depend on Google’s translation of the Bum Bum Brasil website to know what this contest is all about. So I’ll let the organization’s leaders explain:

In its second edition in Brazil, Miss Bottom 2012 will present the 27 candidates who will represent their states to choose the country’s most beautiful bottom. I wonder who gets this title?

Each year the competition gets more space in the media, in 2011 the model Rosana Ferreira took the title , second place with this presenter Graciella Carvalho who recently signed a contract with Multishow and “bronze medal” with this actress Mariana Freitas.

I think I get it so far. What else?

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Nobody likes an angry Schwartz.

Since last night’s NFL action was so boring – unless you’re a fan of watching Jay Cutler be the worst QB on the face of the planet, in which case that was pure pornography – I’m hoping for some of the weekend games to pick up the slack a little. That may be a rather lofty goal, though, since a quick look at the NFL schedule told me that the majority of the games will probably suck. Fingers crossed.

WWE Smackdown – 8 PM ET on SyFy

Will Daniel Bryan incite the crowd to yell, “NO! NO! NO!”? Will Randy Orton flop on the mat and pretend that he’s a snake only to be hit on the head by a hard object in the possession of someone he wasn’t paying attention to? Will Vickie Guerrero sneer and scowl and say something mean about someone? Find out tonight! (See, anyone can do this.)

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