With the Major League Baseball winter meetings under way in Dallas, this surprisingly stagnant free agency period is hopefully about to get a lot more entertaining. When the Miami Marlins are providing the only real excitement by signing Jose Reyes and overpaying Heath Bell, we’ve got a problem. Hell, I was at least hoping that 4 or 5 teams would be running smear campaigns against each other for the sake of signing Prince Fielder. But nope, bunch of jerks running these teams.

Thankfully, we have journalists like Jon Heyman, of Sports Illustrated and Scott Boras’ supple teat fame, who strapped a car battery to the testicles of this week’s meetings with a Tweet that would make Donald Trump proud.

If albert pujols wants to beat $200M 9-yr cardinals offer, he should produce birth certificate. skepticism abounds over 31 claim

Ah yes, the age thing again. You see, Albert Pujols is from the Dominican Republic, so he is most certainly lying about his age. It’s just like how all Iranians are terrorists, Greek men have sex with sheep and the Irish are all drunks. OK, maybe that last one is a bad example. But Heyman’s accusation – which echoes that of Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria – is pretty ballsy.

Let’s pretend for a minute that Pujols isn’t 31-years old. Let’s also go ahead and assume that he’s completely loaded up on steroids and HGH like some ignorant baseball fans like to believe to make themselves feel better about their teams sucking. Wouldn’t someone out there, some young, hungry bloodhound journalist, be trying desperately to reveal the truth? You know, instead of Tweeting it like a keyboard hard ass?

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Normally when you hear about an eye witness of a violent crime being killed, the story involves a hitman and mob justice. In the case of Matthew Lee, a friend who attended that fateful Los Angeles Dodgers game with Bryan Stow, the only assassin was food allergies. According to the police, Lee died after ingesting nuts in a salad.

Stow, of course, is the Giants fan who was brutally beaten by a pair of gang bangers at Dodgers Stadium on March 31, and has since been in a coma and only recently opened his eyes. Two men are currently in police custody, as they have been fingered by their lady friends.

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UPDATE: Best Week Ever has pics of the Watchmen premiere, and this is clearly Big Ben. You make the call.

TMZ released some photos earlier of what look like Ben Roethlisberger’s 27th birthday party in Las Vegas, which was held at Tao nightclub on Friday night. In other news, some people can still afford to fly to Vegas. But seriously, doesn’t he look überpuffy here? Even for him, that’s a puffy dude. He doesn’t even resemble the puffy quarterback that just won the Super Bowl last month. I see some larger gentlemen in the background that could easily be Willie Colon, Darnell Stapleton and Trai Essex, who were rumored to be in attendance. But I only see one Asian guy, and I’m pretty sure that’s neither Charlie Batch or PGA golfer Anthony Kim, who also made the trip. Eh, maybe they were all stung by bees.

Whatever. After these were taken, he probably ate marshmallows out of the ass of the three hottest girls there. Mmm, marshmallows. That would explain a lot.