Yo girl, your titty.

If you’re worried that the special lady in your life has been packing on a few extra pounds this holiday season, you’re in luck. Kim Kardashian wants to help women look more like her and starting after Christmas, they’ll be able to when they watch her new workout DVD, Ultimate Butt Body Sculpt.

Basically, as that title implies, Kardashian’s ass is the “Ultimate Butt” and it is the derriere that all women should aspire to have. So all they have to do is follow Kim’s quick and easy workout routine that involves two tiny dumbbells and the ability to step up and down, and VOILA! They’’ll have an ass like two honey baked hams.

A DVD as genius as this should have been given to us years ago. So what the hell took so long?

The DVD, which was made in conjunction with Kardashian-endorsed weight-loss supplement Quick Trim in 2009, will be released in the UK on December 26.

The decision to promote the video comes after Kris, whom Kim filed for divorce from on October 31, made derogatory comments about the star’s shape.

(Via the Daily Mail)

Ah yes, that whole thing with Kris Humphries calling Kim fat. How convenient. But that Quick Trim bit, that’s pretty interesting. You see, Quick Trim is just another BS “lose weight fast” product that doesn’t actually do anything for people and really only ends up making them fatter.

Honestly, I’m just surprised that Kim hasn’t teamed up with the transgender doctor in Miami Gardens and endorsed women injecting cement into their asses. I’m sure that’s on the burner for Valentine’s Day, though.

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"FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!"

Last week, it was reported that 13 current Miami Hurricanes football players were declared ineligible after a former booster and current prison inmate, Nevin Shapiro, blew the doors open on a decade of recruiting violations, paid players, hookers, and abortions, among other accusations. The number of suspended players almost immediately dropped to 8 – or it was initially misreported – and the NCAA promised Miami that it would reach a decision within a few days, and it sure did.

Eight players have been given suspensions for this season, and they must repay the benefits. Then they can play. Seriously. Those players include:

QB Jacory Harris – 1 game
WR Travis Benjamin – 1 game
DT Marcus Forston – 1 game
DE Adewale Ojomo – 1 game
LB Sean Spence – 1 game
TE Dyron Dye – 4 games
S Ray-Ray Armstrong – 4 games
DE Olivier Vernon – 6 games

(Via CBS Sports)

In all, the NCAA found that Shapiro indeed gave these players benefits in the forms of cash, food, transportation, and/or night club trips, but the amounts were so low and genuinely insulting to people with any common sense, that nobody is really getting in trouble. Factor in that Miami apparently began covering its ass cooperating right away, and that is supposed to explain why Jim Tressel not reporting the exchange of autographs for tattoos is such a more shameful act.

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The Dallas Cowboys are hell-bent on making Super Bowl XLV the highest-attended event in the championship game’s history. Or, I should say, Jerry Jones is, as he’s resorting toward selling four-packs of what are being called “plaza tickets” at $800 each.

NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy said Tuesday that season-ticket holders who purchase tickets for a party plaza outside Cowboys Stadium will be “counted toward attendance.”

Party plaza ticket holders will be in an area in the east end zone plaza, where they can watch the game on big video screens and theoretically enjoy being part of the atmosphere surrounding the game. They will be exposed to the elements, however, instead of nestled comfortably inside in a covered, climate-controlled stadium. –Bahston Herald.

Great, so three of my friends and I can spend $200 apiece to drive to the stadium, park, get frisked at the gate and then WATCH THE GAME ON A TELEVISION. That’s a joke, and how anyone can consider that “theoretically” being part of a game is damned fool and I will punch that person in the face. Theoretical punching. Obviously.

The Cowboys would have to sell about 12,000 plaza tickets to break the Super Bowl XIV record of 103,985; That was Steelers-LA Rams at the Rose Bowl. That’s right, the Rams had home-city advantage for the game and still lost to the Steelers. I guess it’s no bother. Look how well the Rams are doing now!

Hey, remember when the Chinese gymnasts won Olympic team gold with girls who were obviously under the legal competitive age of 16?  As it turns out, at least one of the girls is under the age of 16.

Just nine months before the Beijing Olympics, the Chinese government's news agency, Xinhua, reported that gymnast He Kexin was 13, which would have made her ineligible to be on the team that won a gold medal this week. [...]

The International Gymnastics Federation (FIG) has said repeatedly that a passport is the "accepted proof of a gymnast's eligibility," and that He and China's other gymnasts have presented ones that show they are age eligible. The IOC also checked the girls' passports and deemed them valid.

Oh, it's good to know that the Chinese girls all have valid passports saying they have valid ages.  The only way they could get their ages faked would be if an iron-fisted communist government hellbent on Olympic domination deliberately altered their birthdays on official documents.  Thank God there's no way that could happen.

The rich history of the Green Bay Packers — 12 NFL titles, including the first two Super Bowls and Super Bowl Favre — is the Wisconsin hamlet's only claim to fame, a claim the town solidified by adopting the nickname "Titletown, USA" decades ago.  According to Wikipedia, "The name appears on the city seal, is used by the Green Bay Chamber of Commerce for its web address (www.titletown.org) and variations of the word appear in the name of more than two dozen local businesses."

Well, too fucking bad, Green Bay.  ESPN thought a good way to boost web traffic over the quieter summer months would be to hold a contest to determine the real Titletown, and you lost.  To someplace in Georgia called Valdosta.

For years, it’s been called Winnersville. Now, the south Georgia town of Valdosta has another name: TitleTown USA, thanks to ESPN. The cable sports network is coming to Valdosta today to declare Valdosta the winner of its summer promotion that earlier this month featured the city as one of its 20 finalists for the national award.

I've never heard of Valdosta and I could give a shit about Wisconsin, but this might be some of the most presumptuous bullshit ESPN's ever pulled.  "Hello, New York?  Yeah, you're not the 'Big Apple' any more.  Sorry, but we had an Internet vote, so that's that."

the latest scoop on Cowboys QB Tony Romo and his active love life.  And by "scoop" I mean they saw him in Vegas LA, where he was propositioned by some chubby drunk bar skank:

Britney Spears [was] enjoying herself big-time Friday night at Hollywood hot spot Les Deux. Her good time seemed to have a lot to do with enjoying the company of big-gun Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo. Hunky sports hero Tony knows a thing or three about picking up blitzes, but he seemed caught off guard by Britney's southern charms. Say what you will about Britney, she doesn't seem to have any problem attracting men.

Listen, Tony Romo is mildly retarded and all, but I have a real tough time believing that a guy who can convince Sophia Bush to come watch people play video games would do anything more with Britney Spears than maybe tolerate her presence.  Unless he's got a time machine in his cock that can screw Britney back to 2000, there's no way he's interested in her.  Although if he does have a time-cock, I totally respect him now.  And also understand why he spends all that time in the graveyard.